15th August, 2006 

Liquid Explosive In Soft Drink, Just Shaken Up Cans

By our reporter Inda Field.

Mass panic in airports. Terrorist suspects arrested. Security clampdown. Almost all hand luggage, including all drinks banned for any flights in or leaving the UK. And Great Britain on high alert. But is it all a storm in a can of Lipton Ice?This poor-attempt-at-comedy website has received valuable new information which reveals conclusively that the only terrorist plan concocted by the 14 arrested suspects was to take a can of the popular soft drink Coca-Cola and shake it up a bit before pulling the ring top and exclaiming "Stickiness To All Infidels". The ensuing spray would have inconvenienced fellow travellers, possibly making their hair all sticky, and result in a mess that they would then have to wallow in for the duration of the flight. There was some early talk amongst the suspects of breaking into the cockpit and spraying the sucrose liquid over the controls, making them uncomfortable to operate, but in the end, even this was abandoned.

However, there was a darker side to this jape. One of the suspects had considered dropping a packet of Mentos into his can, with predictable results. This would have resulted in a total smothering of everyone in a six seat radius from the point of Mentos delivery, in the sweet brown solution. 

There has been concern expressed that the acidic nature of the brown beverage could have eaten through the floor of the cabin, shorted out a number of important electrical circuits and caused the "Attention" seat light that summons a steward or stewardess, to malfunction. If found guilty of attempting to cause passengers mild discomfort, the suspects could face twenty years in jail or an indefinite period in Guantanamo Bay. 

Moderate Islamic groups in the UK have condemned the suspects for their callous disregard for dry cleaning bills.

"Britain? She Was Asking For It, The Tart!"

By our official busybody, Marjorie Droops.

Look. I’m not saying that British aeroplanes deserved to be blown up half way across the Atlantic, okay? No one’s saying that. But well, what do you expect? Hmm? When you think about it I mean? What I'm saying is that Great Britain is no better than she ought to be. And no one else is willing to say it apart from me, Majorie Droops, official spokesperson for old woman everywhere. So listen to the voice of experience. I've been there, done it, seen it all. You young whippersnappers think you invented international acts of terror. I lived through the Blitz you know!

Look. You go out to Iraq, dressed in that skimpy little body armour number, then behave the way you do, hollering, shouting, shooting your guns off, flashing your headlights, it’s going to have an effect, isn’t it? A little bit of torture here, a little bit of carpetbombing there, shaking it all about, you’re going to get noticed.

 It’s only expected that you’ll excite the natives. And their brains work differently, they can’t just turn their fundamentalism on and off like a switch. I’m not saying that justifies them blowing up a train, or an aeroplane or whatnot, but you’ve made yourself available. You’ve put your transport system on a platter. You can’t blame them for taking the temptation you've put in their path. And then you get all upset when they do!

And stay away from that Yank friend of yours, they're the ones getting you in all trouble. Yes, I know she's all glamourous, has the lipstick, the nylons, the piercings.

Now when I was silly and young, I got myself into a spot of bother over in Egypt. Yes, I'd had quite a lot of contact with the Israelis. Yes, I'd encouraged the Egyptians. And if I hadn't made a hasty retreat from the world stage, who knows what would have happened. I was lucky. But did my American friends step in to help out? Not a bit of it. They ignored me. Same when you had that trouble down in the Falklands. They just cut and run and leave you carrying the can!

So the next time you strut around the world stage, invading and occupying countries, declining to call for ceasefires, or generally putting yourself about a bit, think twice. Maybe wrap up a little. Doesn't have to be a burkah, just don't flash your policies about the place.

Otherwise, you're just no better than you are. You brazen hussy.


Lake District Hotbed Of Terrorist Training B&Bs

From our regional correspondent Hetty Thump

Wordsworth country used to be a tourist destination of choice. However, after the Foot and Mouth and Boompsadaisy epidemic, revenue plummetted. But enterprising Bed & Breakfast owners turned from tourism - to terrorism.

"When the forces of Al Qaida asked if they could book three rooms for a week, I wasn't sure" said Cauliflower Jones, owner of a B&B in the village of West Twattington. "They looked a rum sort, all those beards and prayer mats. But they are a very clean people, and all I had to do was change the breakfast bacon to lamb chops, which to be honest, even I prefer."

Everyday, across the Lake district, groups of young extreme fundamentalist men gather to practice their assualts on Western democracy, watched only by sheep and the occasional badger. Common activities include "storming the cockpit", "marching against cartoons" and "blowing oneself up in the middle of a crowded train". Dry stone walls are used for platform edges, wooden swing gates make rather useful aeroplane doors and bramble fills in for rubble.

Neighborhood businesses have benefitted as well. The nearby chemist, run by Cynthia Desk, has reported an upswing of all sorts of chemical compounds. "It's like my Christmases have all come at once, and it's only August!"

As to what the purpose of these training weeks is, the local constabulary has it sussed. PC Old Sterotype told us "I think they're planning a mission to Mars."