Cocaine. We all use it. It’s become a condiment almost. We’re used to seeing it in Soho greasy spoon cafes, inside a white tomato on the table. But what is the true cost of this most delicious of aperitifs?

The Independent newspaper blew the roof off what had previously been thought of as a kindly caring industry, where gentlemen in fetching hats would stand on the corner of certain streets dispensing the requisite jazz salt for a small recompense.

But it seems that all sorts of beastly behaviour in Columbia goes into supplying the necessarily for a quick snifter in the Groucho gents. Which is why a select group have decided to do something to rehabilitate this most invigorating of powdered reliefs.

That’s right, A slight increase in the price of a gram of angel dandruff will change the whole system for the better. Here’s how it works.

TERRORISM

It seems that in Columbia, all sorts of ghastliness are funded by this most innocuous of trades. All suppliers of Fairtade cocaine will sign a piece of paper saying that they are not terrorists and if any terrorist comes round with a collecting tin, they’ll send them away without any pesetas or whatever coin of the realm they use over there. 

LAND MINES

It gets worse. Apparently some entrepreneurial gak farmers have taken things a little too far, protecting their crops by blowing up any interlopers if they get too close. All Fairtrade cocaine suppliers will dispose of their mines via the proper authorities and join a local Neighbourhood Watch scheme instead, protecting their precious chang plants while improving community relations.

DESTRUCTION OF FORESTS

Peter Rabbit and Jemima Puddleduck beware! In order to escape American bounders unsportingly fumigating crops from helicopters, farmers have been cutting into Columbia’s forests, disrupting wildlife and ruining the picturesque view. Fairtrade cocaine suppliers will all have anti-aircraft weaponry installed, so they can continue to grow crops in the traditional areas, without being pestered by Uncle Sam.

REFUGEE CRISIS

Millions have been thrown out of their homes, as paramilitaries fight to control the cocaine trade in Columbia. Fairtrade cocaine growers pledge to let these types stay in any spare fields (previously occupied by mines). Also, any Fairtrade cocaine purchaser will have his or her address recorded and will promise to let a Columbian refugee stay over for a couple of nights, until they get themselves sorted. No more mind, we may be Fairtrade, but we’re firm as well.

KIDNAPPING

This is just not on and will stop immediately. The slight increase in the price of buying a wrap of charlie will reduce the necessity for farmers to turn to kidnapping as a second source of income, by providing a fair wage for a fair high. If necessarily, the farmers promise to take in laundry instead.

ENDANGERED TRIBES

The nomadic and indigenous tribes that inhabit the dense jungle have bumped into the current traffickers one or two times, leading to them falling out, holding a grudge, and occasionally being killed along with their entire families. Fairtrade cocaine will ensure that documentary makers for More4 will record their way of life, give them a chance to air their greviances, and then profit from the sales of any DVDs. Which should put everyone in a good mood – even more than after snorting a line of the heavenly grit itself!

DRUG MULES

Those pesky customs people cause all sorts of problems, and sometimes they won't let narcotic trade through, even when under the Fair Trade banner. As a result, Fair Trade drug mules only travel with primadonna pop stars who kick up such a fuss, and distract attention in the Customs areas, allowing our drug mules to not only get an autograph which they can sell on eBay, but to slip through unnoticed. They are also first trained as sword swallowers, so as to make the condom swallowing an easier affair. Only extra-safe condoms are used, to avoid unpleasantness caused by intra-stomach splitting. And products made by Soho's finest chocolateries are the only laxatives used to extract the funbags in question.

DEALERS 

The book "Freakonomics" points out that drug dealers often live with their mothers, because they can't afford a place of their own, often making less than minimum wage. We ensure, they get a fair cut of the proceeds as well as the original farmers. This will enable them to buy their very own crack dens and become self sufficient. Look for the Fair Trade Cocaine logo on beack of their puffer jackets, or tattooed across their neck.

 HAPPINESS ALL ROUND

The Farmer, now able to afford the latest New York fashions.

The Trainee, included in the profit sharing scheme.

The Happy Columbian Workforce and their Fairtrade cocaine representative, ensuring they're not being exploited by staying at their side all day and night. In the same tent, if necessary.

The Fair Trade Druglord, increasing profits, reducing tortures.

A Paramilitary being retrained to hunt for slugs

 Volunteer Kidnappees from the West, taking the place of Columbians, and keeping the Kidnap market viable for tourists.

 The American Soldier now free to liberate the rest of the world from other nouns.

The American Gangster finding redeployment

"Are you sorted for charlie, my dear?" The Soho Dealer getting a makeover. Look how many bags of beak she's got!

The popstar/model/media tartlet. No longer guilty for the deaths of thousands of Columbians.

Yes, everyone’s happy with Fairtrade cocaine. And you can have a snort of blizzard-of-Oz in the toilets of any major broadcaster without troubling the smallest of consciences. If you would like to know more about Fairtrade cocaine, please contact RichAndMark.