May 0002


Jim Wanger & Lloyd Prosser, Star Wars, Burger King, Marie Antoinette & Rasputin & That Crowd, Glaciers.

AN UNUSUAL LEGAL CASE.

Pastor Jim Wanger of the Angels and Saints in Triumph Church inc. of Normal, Illinois, had a major reputation as an exorcist in the early 1970’s. One day he was called out to a particularly troublesome case. A young car mechanic, Lloyd Prosser, was possessed and delirious. Jim exorcised him. He’s never revealed the details of what happened that night, but it took him six hours to rid Lloyd of the dark forces that had taken hold of him.

Unfortunately, Lloyd turned out to be extremely ungrateful. Not only did he refuse to pay Jim’s modest in the circumstances $500 bill, but he also sued him! Lloyd alleged Jim had “feloniously and without just cause deprived him of his lawful tenants, to whit, 15,000 demons, 12,500 incubi, and more especially, 13750 succubi” and required their immediate return, or half a million dollars in compensation. Judge Harris reserved judgement, citing a lack of compelling evidence.

 

SHORT FACTOID.

The film “Star Wars” is entirely based on fact.

 

A NEW VENTURE FOR BURGER KING,

In our increasingly health conscious and faddish society, major international junk food purveyors like Burger King are feeling the pinch as people become fussier and fussier. Roy Menendes, President for New Products explains:

“Here at Burger King we know a lot about teeth. We’ve decided to get into the dentures business. We can mould a full set, any normal size, out of compressed sugar, and sell them alongside our regular products, for only five dollars a set. They’ll last you a good month, and you’ll always have a great taste in your mouth. We’re planning to do them in Cinnamon, Fresh Mint and Strawberry and Cream flavors.”

Environmentalist critics have alleged Burger King plans to use special genetically modified flavorings in both their dentures and regular products, so customers will only be able to eat Burger King foods. Anything else will react horribly with the chemicals in the dentures, leaving the customer with a really nasty taste in the mouth. Burger King declined to comment further.

 

IMAGINARY PEOPLE.

None of these people existed!

Did you know that quite a lot of supposedly historical people are actually entirely fictional? What happened was that novelists would write a book of fiction, and historians would assume the contents were true, and described real people. Here are some examples of people who are widely believed to have existed, but are really imaginary.

Marie Antoinette, supposedly last Queen of France, but actually a minor character in the novel “Les Dames de Vincennes” by Antoine Caligari. She entered mainstream history through “La France en la Siecle XVlll” by Louis de St. Pierre, published in 1832.

Julius Caesar. No one had heard of him until Shakespeare wrote his play of that name.

Rasputin. He actually had no existence until the Hollywood epic “The Russian Revolution” which was released in 1924. The director was, of course, D.W. Griffith.

Queen Victoria was invented by Lytton Strachey. Serious historians are irritated by the fact that everyone in her, and is therefore entirely ignorant of Henry lX. Henry X, and Charles lll. This is the reason the present Prince Charles will be Charles lV when and if he is crowned.

William the Conqueror. He and the Norman Conquest are entirely fictional. Sir Walter Scott first wrote about them in his novel “William of the Normans”. The prosaic truth is that there was an entirely peaceful migration of French people from Normandy to England, and the Anglo-Saxon dynasty expired through a lack of heirs.

Due to the prosperity the French immigrants had found in England, they were able to produce the first authentic Norman King, who was Henry l.

Myron Goldstein. Famous as the first Jewish prime minister in Europe, supposedly of the Austrian half of the Habsburg Empire, from 1855 to 1862. Actually an invention of Karl Kraus, the Viennese satirist, in 1921.

George Washington was first described by Washington Irving. The real first President of the United States was Nathaniel Milton. As you enter the White House, you will see a list of Presidents on your left. This gives the correct names and dates.

 

GLACIER COLLECTING UPDATE.

Bisman Bo, United Nations Director for the Environment, has announced a major new Glacier Park. She explained (in a press release available from the UN in New York: ask for document UN/E/CenAs/Dv/218566974145963321241775588) that global warming is threatening the survival of all the world’s glaciers. As a result, a large part of the Himalayas will be leveled. The tops will be taken from some of the taller mountains, and used to fill the valleys between. This will provide a cold plateau where all the world’s glaciers can be concentrated in safety. The Sherpas and other indigenous peoples will be relocated to Patagonia, and the displaced Patagonians to Chicago. Mount Everest will be reduced from its present height to 22,000 feet. The Chinese and Indian armies have already begun work. No protests will be permitted anywhere, and there will be a complete news embargo until work is completed.

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