June 0002

New At Kew, An Announcement, Ted Nugent, Yayy!!!


London’s leading botanical and horticultural centre of excellence can be found at Kew Gardens. It is about to open a new building, the Albany House. Most of the money for this was provided by the Albany Trust. The new building will be a large greenhouse, like most of the other structures at Kew, and it will be used to house imaginary plants. These will be cultivated from cuttings, using advanced genetic modification techniques. You will be able to see a genuine Deadly Upas Tree from the safety of a protective cage, and a collection of Mountains of the Moon Marigolds. These will be unlike anything you have ever have seen before, as the flowers are ultra-violet coloured, and are made visible to the human eye through an unusual stimulant effect of the pollen that comes from the flowers. There will also be a Bee Tree, and some Marshmallows. Due to the delicacy of the specimens, the house will only be open from 7-8 pm on Sunday evenings.



This year’s Ropkind Scharf Prizes will be awarded shortly. Tickets for the awards ceremony will cost 30,000 Swiss Francs (standing), and 55,000 (seated). For full details, contact the Salle des Congresses, in Geneva, Switzerland. As usual, the press will not be admitted.



Veteran rocker Ted Nugent’s real name is Sebastian Blenkins. He took his stage name from a First World War fighter pilot, who served with the Royal Flying Corps, and achieved distinction by shooting down five Fokkers and one Spad in a single afternoon. The Spad was French, and he shot it down in error. He was going to becourt-martialled for this, until it was realized that the Spad had crashed on a secret German ammunition dump, exploding it, and wiping out an entire German salient.


A communication from Ted Nugent.

Dear Dr. Scharf,

I’m Ted Nugent, and my real name isn’t Sebastian Blenkins, it is Albert Finney. How this name came tobe used on the West End stage is a story which I’ll tell another time. The rest of your account is true.


Another communication from Ted Nugent.

Dear Dr. Scharf,

The Ted Nugent above is an imposter. I’m the real one. My name is Sebastian Blenkins, but the rest ofyour story is completely fake. Bob Dylan made it up, to embarrass me, when we got drunk together one night.


A communication from another Ted Nugent.

My name’s Ted Nugent, but I’m not the famous one. I’m a pest control officer from Surtsey. Would any of your readers like to exchange e-mails about rat catching?



Wonderful World Factoid.

The world’s oldest known “Do not step on the grass” notice is 3,000 years old, and is a baked clay tablet from Babylon. You can see it in the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. Some archaeologists claim it is the only surviving fragment of the Hanging Gardens.



This column has been assessed by the Truth in Media Project at Simon Fraser University. The project digitally analyses news reports and the like, and checks them for accuracy and truthfulness. Our score, we are pleased to report, is 97.807%, which is actually higher than that of the Dow Jones index! In contrast, the New York Times scored only 82%, although this is still quite a respectable figure. The Wilmington Post-Intelligencer got a mere 14%, although they defend themselves on the grounds that on the day in question, most of their paper was taken up with an in-depth interview with President George Bush.