July 0003


 

Good Places To Eat. Gunk. That rare thing, a complaint about

Wonderful World.

One of our readers has been eating too much Gorgonzola too late at night. Here's what she sent us.

MY FAVOURITE RESTAURANT

You can find my favourite restaurant in the city of N, and in the year of X. It is called “La Casa Lucrezia”. Perhaps you plan to go there with some friends. Maybe six of you agree to meet at eight by the fountain. As we are in the south, or maybe the east, nine of you meet under the statue at ten. You take a fiacre (you are visiting the past, or maybe the future) to the restaurant. You talk to a little old lady, dressed in black, who is always seated behind a window. You ask to go in. After five minutes, ar possibly two or three hours, the doors are opened, and you enter. The waiters lead you to your table and light the wax candles. There is a waiter for every customer, for this restaurant is not cheap. The waiters tell you that the restaurant specializes in exotic mushrooms, and give you your menu.

Usually, you are the only customers. While you are looking at the menu, a violinist starts to play. He is good because he has sold his soul to the devil. Also, he is under a curse, and cannot leave the restaurant. His fate is romantic, but unenviable. Unknown little animals scurry and rustle in the straw beneath your feet. There is a log fire in the hearth. It is necessary even in the summer.

When you order, you have to choose the dishes at random, as you have never heard of any of them before. While you are waiting for them to arrive you can read the newspapers provided for the customers, such as “The Delirium” or “Infamy”. They are authoratative, badly written, and difficult to find anywhere else.

After a few hours, your meals are brought to the table. They are very strange looking, and very original.

The plates have silver covers, which rapidly turn black in front of your very eyes. The food is always exquisite, but it has different effects on different customers. One turns green, and his eyes rotate in their sockets. Smoke comes from the ears of another. A third is turned to stone, and so on. In each group of customers, there is one survivor. If you are lucky, it is you. If you do survive, you will be immune to any poison for the rest of your life. When the last victim is still, the waiters applaud, and the violinist stops playing. The bill arrives. It is written with a goose quill on a large sheet of parchment. The survivor pays, always in gold, and goes on his way.

The only restaurant in the world similar to “La Casa Lucrezia” is “The Serpent”,  its neighbour, which is also in the Cadaver Street in the city of N.

 

Here’s the irrepressible Gunkster again:

 

Just time for a short one today! Here’s some really good news:

 

I got another letter from the Dean. HERE’S WHAT IT SAYS!

From: Dean Ira B. Stanton, University of Alabama in Hicksville:

To: Marvin Gunk,

Re: As in text below.

Sir or Madam,

I have concluded that your contribution to the popular internet site “Wonderful World” constitutes favorable publicity for this institution. Consequently your period of rustication is annulled. This means that for all administrative purposes you were a student in good standing throughout the current academic year.

P.S. I will expect you to start work on the roof Saturday at the latest. You need to bring a ladder and some nails.

Wow, wow wow! Double wow! Treble wow! The Gunkster is PLEASED! Praise the Lord!

To remember in your prayers:

Agnes Schwarz: May she close her curtains at night. And discover the Lord in the daytime.

Vince Harlow (that’s his name today!). May he overcome his grievous problems, especially with that foreign woman.

And may Al Terego remember to pay him.

Al Terego: May his memory improve.

Love in the Lord (Great sign off! Where did I get it from?)

Marvin Gunk

 

A NOT ENTIRELY UNJUSTIFIED COMPLAINT.

How come Wonderful World is full of all these weird people all of a sudden

(This is due to the large number of people reading it. Also, I don’t think they’re weird RS)  I liked it more when it was full of facts. Here’s what I want to know. People in England have lots of titles. If you’ve got, say twelve of them, how do you know what order to put them in?  Like if a guy’s a Duke and a Priest, do you call him Father Duke or Duke Father?

Bensfield Codrington, Texas.

Thanks

Thanks for the question Bensfield. It’s easier than you think. First, the formal rule: Everyone is either Mr. or Miss, Ms or Mrs. That always goes first. Then the rest of the titles come in strict alphabetical order. So formally the Queen is known as Mrs. Baroness Chairwoman Colonel Dame Duchess Father* Her Honour** Lady Mother Superior Queen Reverend* Elizabeth Windsor-Mountbatten the Second and First***. Informally, Mrs. is dropped, but you must say all the rest, except in the Soke of Wrexham, where, as a relic of Cromwellian times, she is known informally as “The Lady First Citizen”. In the East End of London,” Oi! You!” is considered the height of courtesy, and so is extended to her as well, but this is emphatically not true anywhere else.

Not many people know this, but she is a member of both the Church of England and the Church of Scotland.

**Never spell this “honor”. In this context it would be seen as an extremely rude reference to the setbacks encountered by George lll.

*** Not many people know this, but she is Elizabeth ll in England, but only Elizabeth l in Scotland.

Here’s a little exercise to see if you’ve understood:

Supposing a man is a dental surgeon, a knight, and a senior academic. What is his correct title?

That’s right! Mr. Mr. Professor Sir.

Easy, isn’t it?

R.S.

 

Thanks!

Bensfield Codrington.

PS I can’t wait to get over to England and practice this!

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