Goin' Spanish


One time, me an the boys was in a spot of bother, cos we’d bin a-robbin of the Deadwood Stage for the second time in a week, and this darn sherrif, Sheriff Howson his name was, if I kin recall it rightly, and his posse was hot on our tails, musta bin fifty of ‘em at least. Lord, they was angrier with us than a squaw that’s just sat on a cactus. I just dang knew we’d a-robbed that stage one time too many. An’ that posse was just too close for comfort. A few times, we could hear ‘em a-whoopin’ an’ a-hollerin’ on the horizon behind us. Course, normally St. Jake here can outrun any posse west o’ the Pecos, an’ probly any posse east o’ the Pecos too. That’s cause I bin a-doin’ of plenty of practicin’ in outrunning posses and sheriffs an US Marshals an’ Texas Rangers an’ even danged Mounties. Any lawman you can be a-namin’ of, Jake here can outrun him. Not that I committed no crimes that I’m a-admittin’ of, mind you. I figure I just got an unlucky face. Or maybe them lawmen’s so darn stupid they’re a-suspectin of that halo that sometimes appears above my Stetson. 

The problem was Elmo the f*gg*t. He was a carryin’ of the loot from the Stage in his saddle-bags, and it was weighin’ him down some, an’ Elmo’s got a mighty funny sense of direction. See, if Elmo’s ridin’ for the chuck wagon at the head of the boys, there’s no way he’s a-gettin’ lost. But the funny thing is, if Elmo’s behind of the boys an’ he’s got the loot, he just cain’t go the right way. Like this time, we wuz a-goin’ south, an’ if we hadn’t held back to keep an eye on him, sure as papooses come from squaws, Elmo’d’ve darn well gone east. But holdin’ back to keep an eye on Elmo meant we couldn’t outrun that darn posse, an’ that’s why we wuz in a spot of bother. So there I was, a-tryin to figure out what to do, an then this inspiration gets me: 

“Boys, we’re a-headin’ for Mexico! That stoopid sheriff an’ his gang cain’t touch us there. Only thing we’ve got to look out for is the Federales!” I hollered, an’ I figure they thought it was a good idea, cause they all speeded up a touch.  

The fact is, Mexico’s only six hours from where we was, an’ we made it by sundown, and we spent a few hours just sittin’ behin’ the border tradin’ shots an’ insults with the sheriff, who couldn’t cross that line in the dirt that said we was now in Mexico. Then we divided up the loot, an’ hit the sack.  

Another fact is, some folk just talks too much, an’ that’s the kind of folk that talks in their sleep, an’ my boys was that kind o’ folks. An’ the things they was a-sayin’ about me wasn’t at all nice, so I figured they was a-tryin’ to push me to a showdown in their sleep, so I did some more figurin’ an’ decided there was no reason not to give ‘em what they was all a-wantin’, so I shot them all ‘fore they woke up, and gathered up all the loot, figurin; it;d be a sin to let it go to waste, an’ rode off to the east, an’ went back into the United States over Brownsville way. Like I always say, trust in the Lord, an’ He’ll look after you. 

So there y’are. I just done told you folks all about Mexico. Of course, Mexico’s where they speak Spanish. Funny thing though, I never figured out why it is that the place is called Mexico, but we call the way they talk Spanish. It just goes to show that the ways of the Lord is mighty strange.