August 0004


Don’t eat peas with your knife,

And remember to mind the gap.

Stay well clear of the blue touchpaper,

Even if you are sure the light has gone out,

And do not feed the pigeons in public places.  

These rules are for your benefit, and not for ours.

That is why you must obey them all. 


Do not jump on or off the platform of a moving bus.

Note that buses now have doors, so you cannot do this anyway,

But the rule is still in force,

So you must remember that you may not do it. 

Have you ever thought where we would be

If everyone did just as they pleased? 

If you are thinking of speaking, your right to do so is conditional

On not splitting infinitives or using double negatives,

Because no-one will understand you if you do.

You should be aware that these are not the only restrictions on the use of language,

But they will do for a start.  

We go to a lot of trouble to think of these rules,

So you should be grateful and respect them. 


Remember to continue breathing, and place alternative feet first when you walk.

When passing through a doorway, make sure it’s open first,

And if you should happen to ingest fluids, do so with your mouth open.

Above all, do not attempt to drink electricity, because it will hurt if you try. 

The above are not yet rules,

But we think you would find them most helpful if they were.