August 0002


St. Jake, Salt Lake City, Food, Charles Darwin, Large Type, Carthage.


The strongest communion wine on record is that used by St. Jake of Pasadena, the world’s only cowboy saint. He used an enamel cup, about the same size as a modern coffee mug, and filled it Ole Varmint Juice, a particularly rough Nineteenth Century Whiskey. Unfortunately, he had a habit of sharing this with the congregation, and several shoot-outs resulted, and his church was popularly known as the Holey Martyrs instead of the Holy Martyrs.



Salt Lake City is sinking. In only two hundred years, it will be 84 metres under the ground. In the last twenty years the Mormon Church has spent millions of dollars trying to shore it up, but has been completely unable to alter this natural process. Tentative plans have been made to rename Croydon, Surrey, in the UK “New Salt Lake City” in case it becomes necessary to evacuate the original.



Isn’t genetic engineering wonderful? Scientists at Nabisco have perfected a major breakthrough. It is now possible to add flavouring to jellyfish via their dna. They have already been grown with the taste of orange, lemon or strawberry. Their texture has also been made flabbier, so they will be easier to chew, and their high natural salinity levels have been considerably reduced. The cleverest thing of all is that the tentacles now drop off after six months, leaving the entire creature safe and ready to eat. Smedley’s, the famous gourmet restaurant in New York, has already installed 3 five thousand gallon tanks so customers will be able to spear their own desert, or to net them if they want to eat them alive. We asked Ambrose Purcell, noted food guru and gastronome for his opinion. “I’ve tasted worse, but I’m not sure where”, he said. Fruit jellyfish will not be available anywhere in the EU.



The world’s largest typewriter can be seen in the People’s Museum of Office Technology in Peking. It was made for the last Chinese Emperor. He issued an Imperial Rescript calling for the construction of a writing machine that included all the characters in use in the Chinese language. The resulting device was thirty feet high, and nearly one hundred and twenty across. Since it used ordinary sized paper, the levers for the outer characters had to be seventy feet long, and the carriage return had to be hauled by a donkey. It took a staff of 47 to operate, and was in use for six years. It used only vermillion paper, as this colour was reserved for the imperial court, and anyone else using it faced exile to Sinkiang province, unless they came from there, in which case they were sent to Hainan.


DID YOU KNOW THAT……………………….?.

Italy and Tunisia are still technically at war, as there was never a formal peace treaty to end the Punic Wars between Rome and Carthage.