April 0004



St. Jake of Pasadena, and Another Parable. 

As recorded by a regular communicant at the Church of the Holey Martyrs, quem videre. 

The Parable of the Missin’ Posse, From The Little Agaves of St. Jake of Pasadena. 

One time, there was this marshal, and he was beset by gangs. Now this marshal was a good marshal, an’ all the folks in Cactus Flats was a-lovin’ an’ a-reverin’ of him. But these gangs, they wuz real bad hombres. First of, there was the Bevan Boys. Their trick was that they was forever a ridin’ through little hick towns, a-hollerin’ an’ a-shootin’, an’ terrorizin’ of folks. Another bad lot was the Gonorrhoea Gulch Gang. They wuz forever a-robbin’ of stage coaches. Them boys had some mortal enemies, the Deadwood Desperados. The thaing about them fellers was they liked robbin’ banks, an’ they figured the Gonorrhoea Gulch boys shouldn’t be a robbin’ of stages, as it meant there was no loot left to put in the banks that the Deadwood Desperados could be a stealin’ of, an that meant, regular as clockwork, every Friday at exacly three a the afternoon, dependin’ on how good them fellers wuz at a-figurin’ the time, an’ that depended if one a the boys’d robbed a watch an’ not sold it for rot-gut whiskey, there wuz this shootout on the main drag a Cactus Flats. Have I lost you boys there? Now, I’ll be the first to admit that was a kinda long sentence, but I’m figurin’ on filling the next hick cowpoke that I see a-starin’ at me with big round eyes an’ open mouth fuller a lead than a Texas Ranger’s ammo belt, so let that be a lesson to you all, in the name a the Lord. 

Where wuz I? Oh yeah, there was this good marshal, see, an’ he wuz beset by all these gangs, so he gets all the folks of the town together, and he sends the womenfolk home, a-sayin’ they shouldn’t be a-pokin’ of their noses inta stuff that ain’t a-concernin’ of them, an’ they’s to git back to the saloon, an’ fixes him a nice drink, an’ then he turns to the men, an’ sez, you’ze all in a posse, an any of you’s a-figurin’ different can discuss it with this hyar Remington, an’ all the boys says “yup marshal, we’ll do what you say”, and so he divides ‘em inta three, each bunch bein’ a separate posse, an tells off each to fix one of them gangs good. “Matter a fact, I ain’t wantin’ these boys dead or alive”, says the marshal, “I’m a-wantin’ them dead. Now, go git them gangs!”.  

An the first posse rides off, an’ goes up ta the Bevan Boys all friendly like, and says “You’ze good boys. We’re a-wantin’ ta join ya.” An’ the Bevan Boys figure this sounds like a good idea, an’ invite the posse to join ‘em round the camp fire and share a mess a chow they’re a cookin’ up, an when the Bevan Boys is hunkered down with their hands full a pork an’ beans the posse pulls out their guns real sudden like, an’ next thaing, the Bevan Boys is fulla lead not pork an’ beans. So the posse drags the bodies back to Cactus Flats an’ the marshal sez “Well done boys, but I never said I was a-payin’ for your ammo, so you all go back home nice an’ easy like, an’ no-ones a-gittin’ hurt”. 

An the second posse rides off all a way to Deadwood, an’ they stops the stage, an’ throws the driver, an’ his shotgun an’ all the other boys from the bank off, an’ puts some of their own boys inta the stage, only these boys has so many guns with them you wouldn’t never credit it, you’d be a-sayin “What the tarnation! How can that boy walk with so many guns an’ so much ammo on him”, but you’d be wrong, ‘cause these boys was a ridin’ in the stage, so they didn’t give no mind to the weight. An’ the rest o’ them boys was a ridin’ like a coupla hunnerd yards to the side of the stage, so it was kinda like an ambush for the Gonnorhoea Gulch Gang, and they wiped ‘em out real quick, and dragged the bodies back to Cactus Flats, an’ the marshal sez “Well done boys, but I’m a-impoundin’ a that gold from the baink, ‘cause I’m a figurin’ that’s federal property now, so you go home real quiet an’ easy, an’ no-one’s a-gittin’ hurt. 

An’ the third posse a-rode off, an’ locked themselves inta the safe a the bank – it was a real big one see. Only thing was, they didn’t know you couldn’t open this safe from the inside. Another thing was, the Deadwood Desperado’s was havin’ a party, like, an’ they didn’t rob the bank on Monday, their reglar day, cause their heads was too sore, an’ they plumb forgot about it on Tuesday, so it was Wednesday ‘fore that bank got robbed, an’ that posse was real thirsty when the Deadwood boys comes a-swarmin’ inta the safe, and the first thing the posse does is beg those Desperados for water, an’ of course the Deadwood boys laughs their heads off. For one thing, who ever heard of a man a-carryin’ of water, and who ever a-heard of a man with a job on his hands a-givin’ of anything away? So the Deadwood boys makes the posse carry the loot to their horses for ‘em, an rides off, a laughin’ an’ a whoopin’ an’ a-hollerin’. Course, they forget to lock the posse back inta the safe, so the posse runs out ta this horse trough, an’ gets a drink, even though it’s only water. By now, the posse’s real angry, like, and they gits their horses an guns, an’ chases after the Deadwood boys, an’ kills ‘em all, cause those boys wasn’t payin’ attention, like I’m always a-tellin you to, an forgot to watch their tails. 

So the posse shares out the loot, an’ bein’ law abidin’ citizens, only a coupla them gits killed, and they figures on ridin’ off all directions, figurin’ by the time the marshal notices theys a-missin, they’ll be well over the state line. But one of the posse, little feller, name of Luke, sez “That’s one mean marshal we got. I figure he’ll get even with us if it takes all the rest of his life. I reckon we should just take the loot back to him”, an’ the rest a the posse chews it over a bit, an’ figures Luke is right, an’ so they rides back to Cactus Flats with the loot, an’ draggin’ the bodies, an’ gives the whole caboodle over ta the marshal.  

“An the marshal sez, “These boys screwed up real bad, an’ then they gave way to temptation, but then they repented, so I’m a goin’ ta buy them a drink outa the loot afore I send them home”, an’ the other posses said, “Marshal, you didn’t buy us no whiskey outa the loot” an’ the marshal answers them a-sayin’ “Nope. I didn’t.” 

Nostalgia Corner 

Q: Mais ou sont les discotheques d’antan?

A: Yeah, downtown.