ALL STaC GAMES WILL BE $9.00
ALL
GAMES AT
333 E. Foothill Blvd., Glendora
Tuesday
8:45AM
Thursday
6pm
Friday
8:45AM
$7.00
ALL MORNING AND
AFTERNOON LESSONS
WILL BE $14.00
ALL
LESSONS AT
2024 East Route 66, Glendora
Wednesday
- 8:30AM
Wednesday
- 1:00PM
Let
me introduce myself;
I'm a bridge teacher and I've been playing bridge since early 1952. While
in the U.S. Air Force; my captains' wife needed a partner and asked me if I
played; being a card player naturally I said yes. Locking myself in my room,
over a weekend, I memorized a Culbertson Bridge Book. At that point, I thought
I knew everything about the game (how wrong can you be). I didn't go to work
after that for the next six months, all I did was play social bridge with the
bosses wife. I won my first Bridge Tournament with a pick-up partner when I was
stationed at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in late 1952. My teaching career began in 1953
when a group of Air Force friends asked me to teach them more about the game.
After leaving the Air Force in 1954 and moving back to California,
my Uncle Barney and I formed a partnership and were very fortunate to be
playing at the same club as Bob Hamman and many other fine players. The club
was run by Helen Cale, one of the best bridge teachers around and a past
president of the American Bridge Teachers Association. She and I played
together often when my Uncle was not available. I then took a 20-year hiatus
from bridge, playing very infrequently, and earned a living. After retiring in 1982
from my business, bridge was rediscovered.
In 1993 I took a Bridge Teachers Class in Atlantic City,
and became an Accredited Bridge Teacher. Since then, I've taught many classes in
Encino, Beverly Hills, Covina, Glendora, San Dimas and Lakewood.
For about a year, Percy Bean a past president of the
Charity Foundation of the ACBL was my partner. I've had many partners, but none
that compared to my Uncle Barney who passed away many years ago.
After Percy died, I formed a partnership with Alfred
Sheinwold. We tried to play as often as possible for the four years
preceding his death (it seems my partners would rather die, then play with me).
Freddie was one of the most knowledgeable, well-read and entertaining men I
have ever know. He also had a little bit of bridge knowledge. When Freddie gave
me his book, Five Weeks To Winning Bridge, I really got a kick out of his inscription, he
said, ''If you have Roger as a partner you don't need opponents.''
Bridge was and is my passion.
Roger Boyar
"I've played bridge half my life.
The other half I wasted." - Author Unknown A cleaning woman was applying for a new
position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,'
Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I
ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of
folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a
man say,' Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said,'
I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady,' Take
your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the
lady answered,' You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength
for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and
two other ladies were talking and one said,' Now it's time for me to
play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my
hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't
say,' Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'
Beer Card
The
Beer Card is the Seven of Diamonds. It is not part of the official
rules of Bridge, but there is a tradition among some players that if
the declarer succeeds in making the contract and wins the last trick
with the Seven of Diamonds, dummy must buy the declarer a beer of the
declarer's choice. In the same way, if the opponents defeat the
contract and one of them wins the last trick with the Seven of
Diamonds, the opponent who wins the last trick is bought a beer by the
other opponent.
The Beer Card tradition originated in Copenhagen in the 1950's or 1960's.
If you need a partner for
Tuesday morning
Thursday night or Friday morning,
please call Roger a few days in advance
626.214.6354
Some of these are not true, but don't bother checking Snopes...
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still
paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad
replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for
his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND
NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind
man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of
your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man
replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
riding the bus, so shut the **** up.'
IT'S THE LAW (Not the Law of Total Tricks)
Attorneys ?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNES
S: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are
performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
HOT OFF THE PRESSES
My Resume .....
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! , I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there
was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! .
NEW
New to this
site anyway
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may
not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow. In fact, just
piss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a flat tire.
3.
The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's' milk, that's the time to do it.
4.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive
or dead, try
missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
11. If at first
you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably
worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some
days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from
bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the
Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally
speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. (This one is for the bridge
class)
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
then things get worse.
26.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
.
If you need a partner for
Tuesday morning
Thursday night or Friday morning,
please call me a couple
of days in advance
626.214.6354
The LaFetra Bridge Club Now Has Two Locations
2024 East Route 66, Glendora 91740
&
333 E. Foothill Blvd., Glendora 91741
Call Toll Free 1 877 477.4334
626 335.1985
626 214.6354
See The Schedule Page
For Information
On Lessons & Games
A
doctor is called out for an emergency from a bridge tournament, With
still the last board to play. They ask a kibitzer to take his place,
although he knows nothing about the game. They tell him "Just bid what you’ve got and follow suit". He thereupon starts the following bidding sequence:
South West North East
1C Pass 2H
Pass
2S Pass 3C Pass
3H Pass 4NT Pass
7D
Dbl All Pass
This
is the deal
NORTH
S
A9
H AKQ65
D AK
C Q1054
WEST EAST
S KQ 10 8 S 76542
H
J 10 97
H 8
D Q 10
D J9
C KJ8 C 987632
SOUTH
S J3
H 432
D 8765432
C A
South
took the lead of the king of spades with the ace, cashed the ace and
king of trumps, came to hand with the ace of clubs and played all his
diamonds.
On
the last one, West was hopelessly squeezed in hearts and spades,
and ultimately discarded a heart, whereupon South made the last four
tricks in hearts.
When
the opposition saw South's hand, they called the director, who asked for an explanation
of the bidding, and got the following reply…
"I
was told to bid what I’ve got, and I have one club, two spades, 3 hearts and
7 diamonds!"
THE PAVLICEK SCHOOL OF BRIDGE
PRESENTED BY ROGER BOYAR
Praise for Pavlicek
by Grant Baze, San Diego, CA, USA
I
have wanted to praise Richard Pavlicek since the Philadelphia Nationals
in March. Our team lost a match in the Vanderbilt to Richard by one
IMP. My teammates were so upset they stayed up all night, going over
every hand, trying to find absolution. It takes most players a long
time to forgive themselves for losing an important match; personally, I
am not able to forgive myself ever, and it takes a long time just to
bury the pain. In any case, in the course of their confessions and
recriminations (?), my teammates thought they had found a scoring error
that would throw the match into a tie. team and we were wrong. However,
Richard spots a hand our partners had misscored by an IMP; the match is
a tie, we win the playoff. This was the Vanderbilt; that took a special
type of integrity sometimes missing in these events. Richard's action
also says something about Richard's teammates; he knew they would not
want to win a match they were not entitled to win. I
will tell a true story to illustrate how important the Vanderbilt is to
those of us who take it seriously. Just over twenty years ago Sam
Stayman was playing with Vic Mitchell on some good six person team in
the Vanderbilt in St. Louis. I can't remember if it was the round of 8
or the round of 4, but it doesn't matter. After three quarters
Stayman's team had a lead of 72 IMP's and Sam went up to his room to go
to sleep. The other team made a great comeback and won. Nobody on Sam's
team had the courage to call Sam and give him the news, so they finally
prevailed upon Jacqui Mitchell (Vic's wife) to call Sam and tell him
they had lost. Sam answered the phone and knew immediately that Jacqui
would not wake him up unless something terrible had happened. Sam said:
"Oh my God, Jacqui, what is it? Did Vic have a heart attack?" "No Sam,"
said Jacqui, "it's worse."
SEE THE CHANGES IN START TIME
FOR THE TOURNAMENTS
CHECK OUT THE LIMRICKS
BELOW
|
|
LIMRICKS
An
elderly player called Prain
Sometimes failed to contend with the strain;
His second revoke
Was a bit of a joke
But
to trump partner’s ace was insane
Philip Prain
Mistook
my partner’s intent
Grand Slam looked Heaven sent
Opponents said double
I was in trouble
Now I see what
she meant!
John Hill
Bridge
Players on the Titanic
When the iceberg hit, wouldn’t panic
“ Of course we’ll go down”
Said
South, with a frown
“ Every king is offside – it’s satanic”
Harry Dalmeny
Said
a mature student called Peter
Who liked to “play” with his teacher
“ I don’t understand,
I’m
in the wrong hand,
And I was really trying to please her”
John Hill
A
red-faced old colonel from Cheam
Was heard at his partner to scream
“ Trump my ace if you must,
Bid six with
a bust
But NEVER lead low from Ace-Queen”
Harry Dalmeny
A
masochist with very short sight
Blundered into the club Tuesday night
Partner said “Shuffle.
I’ll deal;
have a truffle?”
Poor lad, he died of the fright.
Harry
Dalmeny
A Major who hailed from Chicago
Once partnered
a fearsome virago
She admired his finesse
And he her largesse
Still he hightailed it back on wells fargo
Michael
Adams
Playing teams with Hannibal Lector
In horror
I called the Director
“ My partners being ate;
Off the bone, not the plate!”
But the laws of bridge couldn’t
protect her.
Harry Dalmeny
Three wise Kings from the East on quest
Followed
a Star to the West
But how wise could they be
If they came as a three
Now with four Kings I would be impressed.
Harry
Dalmeny
If
your partner cannot follow suit
Do not behave like a brute
Just smile, nod and chuckle
While biting your knuckle
And
next rubber give them the boot.
Harry Dalmeny
There
was an astronomer Hubble
Who bid a Lightner double
His partner misled
So the slam went ahead
And a bottom he got
for his trouble
John Evans
A
girl from near Parsons Green
Told Andrew “I’ll never be Queen”
He replied “After Time
And
some lessons of mine
You can have all the court cards as well”
John Kingsley
There
once was a shy little cupid,
Whom his bridge friends found far from stupid,
So he sat on his cloud
Feeling ever so
proud
But refused to act as reputed
Valerie Redgrave
There’s
a brilliant Bridge teacher called Robson
Whose pupils sometimes have “cobs on”
With the tricks of his trade
And
Roman Michaels aid
He trounces them hollow with knobs on.
Maud Alexander
There
was a young lady from Lidd
Who played Bridge with her great uncle Sid
One day in seven no trumps
She was down in
the dumps
She was sure she had now overbid
Lynne Webley
There was a young vicar from Stoke
Said “Club
Bridge is more than a joke,
Though all my intentions
Are to learn the conventions,
The very next round I revoke”
John
Hill
Bridge Jargon, Explained |
Copyright © Keith Sheppard, 2000 |
| Blackwood |
A convention designed to tell partner that you have a vague suspicion there could be a slam in the offing but
aren't quite sure how to investigate it. |
|
Variations include Roman Key Card Blackwood which is the same but carries the additional inference to
the opposition that you know what you are doing and are not to be trifled with, and Byzantine Blackwood which is designed
to tell the opposition that you are a real expert and they double you at their peril. |
| Claim |
Where declarer lays his hand down because it looks like he should be able to make the rest but can't be bothered
to work out the entries. |
| Cold/Solid |
A contract which should have made, but didn't. |
| Competitive Bid |
Any excessive or unsound bid in an auction where both partnerships are bidding. |
| Declarer |
In actual play, that member of a partnership who was most persistent in rebidding his suit. In books, a synonym
for South. |
| Experienced Player |
Someone who simply knows that 4 major, made but not bid, is +170 without even looking at the back of
the bidding card. |
| Finesse (1) |
A female bridge player from Finland. |
| Finesse (2) |
A
specific type of card play used by declarer to secure an overtrick or
to avoid blame in a contract doomed to failure. Should a game or slam
contract go off, a declarer who took at least one finesse during play
is entitled to claim it to be a Good Contract (qv). |
|
A finesse usually consists of playing a small card towards a tenace (although a jackace or queenace are equally
suitable). |
| Fit |
That rare occurrence when partner has more than a singleton in your good suit. Also, colloquially, what you
have if you discover he has raised you with a singleton. |
| Game Plan |
In bridge books, puzzles etc., a strategy, devised by declarer at trick one, to secure the one additional trick
(over and above his off-the-top winners) necessary to make the contract. |
|
In actual play, a strategy, devised by declarer at trick one, to secure the five additional tricks (over and
above his off-the-top winners) necessary to make the contract. |
| Gerber |
A convention used to justify bidding no-trump slams with an insufficient point count. |
| Ghestem |
A
system of two suited overcalls designed to exercise partner's memory to
breaking point and, frequently, beyond. The name is actually a
corruption of the original, rather unwieldy, title of the convention:
"I've got two suits now you've got to guess dem." |
| Good Contract |
A
contract which went off, but might not have had it been played better
or the distribution been more favourable. Also, occasionally, a game
contract where the slam which is bid and made by the rest of the room
could have been defeated given some obscure and unlikely distribution
of the defenders' cards. |
| Good Double |
A double of any defeated contract, or of a contract which might have been defeated had you been able to play
it double dummy. |
| Loser Count |
A method of hand evaluation which can be used to justify bidding major suit games with no points. |
| Need the Rest |
These
days, you may hear declarer use the phrase "I need the rest" in its
erroneous sense of "I cannot afford to lose any further tricks".
Originally, though, it meant any awkward situation calling for unusual
technique, the expression being borrowed from the game of snooker. |
| No Trump |
A fall-back denomination for use when you can't find a fit or, in a pairs tournament, when your only fit is
in a minor. |
| Off-side |
Position of any honour which has to be finessed in order to make your contract. |
| On-side |
Position of any honour which may be finessed to secure an overtrick in an undefeatable contract. |
| Partner |
Of the three opponents at bridge, the one who sits opposite you. |
| Post Mortem |
A time set aside for relief of frustration by blaming partner for your mistakes. |
| Precision |
A bidding system which utilises the 1♣ opener as a conventional gauntlett to the opposition, challenging
them to see if they dare bid 2♠ before you and partner have had a chance to discuss suits. |
| Preempt |
A charitable device designed to keep opponents out of a Good Contract (qv) or any excessive or
unsound bid in an uncontested auction (cf. Competitive Bid) |
| Probability |
A
branch of mathematics designed to lend respectability to guessing.
Almost by definition, it is a dubious science. For example, according
to probability theory, every time you pick up a bridge hand you should
hurl your cards at dealer and accuse him of being a cheat. The
probability that he should deal you that precise selection of 13 cards
by pure chance can be shown to be so infinitesimally small as to be, to
all practical purposes, impossible. |
| Psyche |
A
bid designed to dupe your left hand opponent into thinking you hold the
hand he previously thought he had himself. If you play loser counts and
have masochistic tendencies, a psyche can also be used as invitation to
partner to land you in four of your singleton major. |
| Sacrifice |
Following a competitive auction, any contract which subsequently fails to make. |
| Sputnik Double |
A conventional invitation to partner to rebid his opening suit. |
| Squeeze |
A strategy in play where declarer, at a loss as to how to make his contract, simply plays off his winners and
then, inexplicably, finds himself making the last trick. |
| Standard English |
An attempt by the EBU to pursuade the rank and file that Acol needs renaming in order to give the illusion
of progress. (In practice, the very small percentage who have actually heard of Standard English aren't fooled and
everyone continues to claim to be playing Acol regardless.) |
| Transfers |
A bidding system which enables you, whenever you get bored, to ensure that you get to be declarer simply by
opening 1NT. |
| Texas Transfer |
The act of emigrating to the United States (especially if motivated by a particularly disasterous bridge evening). |
| TNT |
Total Number of Tricks. A system of logic which is useful should you need to blind partner with science when
he challenges your decision to sacrifice over a doomed contract. |
A
fellow invented a talking computer which was capable of carrying on
independent conversations with people. To test market it, he out it in
an airport lobby with a meter attached: put in 50 cents and the
computer would talk to you for three minutes.
The
first guy walked up, and put in his 50 cents. The computer asked him
"What is your IQ?" Answered the fellow "182!" The computer asked if
he was familiar with the latest innovations on the theory of
relativity, and they discussed it for three minutes, and the fellow was
quite impressed.
The
second chap came up, put in 50 cents, and again the computer asked his
IQ. He reported that it was 105. So the computer asked him "Who do
you like in the world series?", and they talked about sports for three
minutes. Which impressed the chap quite deeply.
A third
fellow came up and put in his 50 cents. Again, the computer asked his
IQ, and this guy answered "47." So the computer said "OK, you hold Ace
third, King-Queen fifth, three to the Ace and two small. What do you
open??"
The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping
out of trouble, but in escaping once he's in.
-Alfred Sheinwold
The trouble with women is that they treat bridge
as a game. They do not realize it is a war.
If you have the slightest touch of masochism,
you'll love this game.
Bridge is a great comfort in old age. It also
helps you get there faster. One gets used to abuse. It's the waiting that is so trying.
-Rueful Rabbit.
Since the average person's small supply of
politeness must last a lifetime, he can't afford to waste much of it on bridge partners.
-Alfred Sheinwold
Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately
it attracts a large number of antisocial people.
One advantage of bad bidding is that you get
practice at playing atrocious contracts.
-Alfred Sheinwold
"Where's the hand you held during the auction?"
-Jan Nanitschke when he saw the dummy.
South: Alert! East: Yes?
I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand.
It's
not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player.
There aren't enough of them. It's the ability to avoid messing up the
easy ones.
-Alan Sontag
The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make
a master bridge player.
-Ely Culbertson.
The difference between genius and stupidity
at the bridge table is that genius has its limits.
I'm
not sure whether glory or masterpoints is first on the list of
beginning tournament players, but I know learning to play better is
definitely last.
-Moi.
I'd like a review of the bidding with all of
the original inflections.
The average defender operates in a fog of uncertainty.
-H. W. Kelsey ]
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may
harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
-Frank Stewart
A player who can't defend accurately should
try to become declarer (or dummy).
-Alfred Sheinwold
The real secret of the expert is to make logic
seem like flair.
-H. W. Kelsey ]
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner
you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.
-Joe James
Learn from the mistake of others. You won't
live long enough to make them all yourself.
-Alfred Sheinwold.
I favor light opening bids. When you're my
age, you're never sure that the bidding will get back around to you in time.
-Oswald Jacoby at 77.
Years ago there were only two acceptable reasons
for not leading partner's suit: (1) having no cards in the suit; (2) sudden death.
-Alfred Sheinwold
I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise,
why would we continue to play bridge?
We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner
assumed I knew what I was doing.
My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays
you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need high cards.
Your play was much better tonight and so were
your excuses.
We play forcing hesitations.
A
fellow had made a bad bid and had gone down 1400. "I'm sorry," he said
to his partner, "I had a card misplaced". "Only one?" asked his
partner innoncently.
-Charles
Goren
If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing
with you.
When I take a 50-50 chance, I expect it to
come off 8 or 9 times out of 10.
-The Hideous Hog.
The guy who led the 8 from a 98 doubleton because
his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."
What do you call an eight card suit?
Answer: Trump
A lady is playing in her first duplicate hears
an opponent say: "Alert". The lady says: "I am alert".
Know the difference between a serial killer
and a bridge partner? Answer: You can reason with the serial killer.
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LAMENT OF A NOVICE BRIDGE PLAYER
I
am a person who is able to make momentous decisions in my work and at
home. A person who is respected and revered in every aspect of my life,
except at the bridge table where every decision I make is with dread
and trepidation.
At the bridge table I am reduced to agitation, anxiety and even aphasia.I am constantly
asking myself should I bid or pass, should I lead my doubleton or my partners suit?
When
I passed with five points, (with eyebrows raised to hair-line level) my
partner castigated me. On the next hand, when I bid with five points
(with voice raised to eyebrow level) my partner berated me, stating
"circumstances" were different.
How
do I determine "circumstances"? Ive been told to read, read, read.
Well, I have read twenty-six bridge books and while they all tend to
agree on the basics, not one defines "circumstances".
I want to be a good bridge player. I want to be able to sit down at the table anywhere,
any time, with anyone and play a solid game of Standard American Bridge.
I want to be able to analyze my hand, my partners hand, and the opponents hands and
understand the "circumstances".
I
want to appreciate my partner and know that when my partner reprimands
me for a mistake, it is not a Machiavellian plot to destroy my
self-esteem, but that it is his/her way of helping me improve my bridge.
I want to value, cherish, respect and sometimes slay my partner, but above
all I want to remember that I cannot, no I cannot play this game alone.
Gloria Parker | |
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