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Our Glorious Dishwasher

    Our Glorious Dishwasher is a parodic game about hack-and-slashing and dishwashers. The players take the role of silverware sent to find Our Glorious Dishwasher, a magical artifact lost to time. It involves a copious amount of anthropomorphic silverware, tongue-in-cheek humor, and complete lack of seriousness while still being based on some mathematically derived system.

The Dilemma of The Silverware

    The Silverware used to live in peace in the Drawer, but they have recently come under attack by something known as The Filth, a malevolent force that makes all things dirty. Legends tell of Our Glorious Dishwasher, a boon for all Silverware, which has the capability to fight back The Filth, for indeed it has struck many times throughout history. From within the Drawer several brave individuals are selected who have volunteered to leave the Drawer on a quest for Our Glorious Dishwasher, fighting through The Filth and many other hazards as they search for their goal.

Let's Get Rolling, or: How to Play

    In order to play Our Glorious Dishwasher: A Utensil's Quest players need only a few things, a pair of eight-sided dice, some recording means, and something to record on. It is generally considered poor form to record utensils' attributes on walls and furniture; the author recommends paper.

    In addition, one person must be selected as the "Game Master", who determines what challenges the other players face. He may play as well, but it is recommended he primarily focus on making the story and environment come alive rather than worry about his own characters.

    All rolls are handled by a simple roll- roll two eight-sided dice and try to get a result equal to or less than one of your utensil's three attribute scores, CUT, HOLD, or STAB, with which attribute to roll against being decided by the situation that the utensil is in. On occasion this attribute may be modified, but typically not more than a point or two in any direction.

CUT- Damage output, strength, and the like. CUT overcomes physical obstacles and the like.
HOLD- Defense. This prevents the utensil from taking a "dent" when it gets hit, making it imperative for a defensive silverware piece.
STAB- Glorious Abilities are so powerful they are often described as "piercing through the rules of the universe". STAB measures the ability to activate these abilities successfully.

    Nigel the Fork Piercer encounters a ravenous Dishtowel. The creature gets the drop on him, and whips at him with one of its four corners. Crying out in pain, Nigel clatters to the floor. He rolls his dice to see whether or not he resists damage- he rolls a 6, sufficient to keep him from denting from the impact. Recovering from the fall, he uses the Glorious Ability of Residue to increase his HOLD. His STAB is 13, Residue doesn't decrease STAB for the purposes of casting, and he rolls a 9, so Residue takes effect and he now has an effective HOLD of 10 (8+2) for the rest of his fight.

Silverware and Their Varieties

    All types of silverware are inherently different. There are four "core types" of silverware; knives, spoons, forks, and sporks.

Knife- CUT 10, HOLD 12, STAB 4, no Glorious Abilities

    Knives are famed for their ability to wade into the fray and dish out damage. They are not, however, noted for being incredibly Glorious. Knives make good front-line fighters due to their damage resistance and high fighting strength.

Spoon- CUT 6, HOLD 10, STAB 8, 1 Glorious ability

    Spoons are a mix of the brutality of the knife and the dignity of the fork. They are more Glorious and are known to have special abilities, but they are also tough, though they lack enough CUT to deal serious damage to foes.

Fork- CUT 4, HOLD 8, STAB 12, 3 Glorious Abilities

    Forks are the most Glorious of silverware, and can wow many with their abilities. However, they are among the most fragile of silverware and cannot fight without the help of their abilities.

Spork- CUT 6, HOLD 10, STAB 10, 2 Glorious Abilities

    Sporks are a hybrid of Spoons and Forks, and though they do not excel at close combat they can use Glorious Abilities at decent levels as well as withstand a decent amount of damage when put to the test.

A Complete List of Practical Jobs and Lesser Variations Among Silverware

    In addition to the types of Silverware there are also varieties that differ even among individuals of certain types, usually reflecting exceptional situations or upbringings.

Murderator- CUT+3, gains Glorious Ability Eviscerate

    Only the most vicious individuals among the silverware community are eligible to become Murderators. They undergo intense training to become the most dangerous among their kinds on the battlefield. The final step of their training is mastering the Glorious Ability of Eviscerate, which allows them to strike down living foes with a mighty blow and is cast with CUT instead of STAB.

Piercer- STAB+1, gains Glorious Ability Memorize

    Piercers are famed for their pursuit of Glory. They are those who have recently joined the Order of Our Glorious Benefactor, and still retain most of the skills and abilities from their previous life despite being in intense training. They have an increased ability to use their Glorious Abilities by remembering them even after their use has burned their minds.

Carrier- HOLD+2, gains Glorious Ability Lift

    Carriers are the brave guardians of the Silverware Drawer, home of the Serving Spoon, their Glorious Ruler. They are renowned for their strength, but rather than using it for the carnage of battle they use it to block threats and bring their allies into battle. With their Glorious Ability they can carry another silverware away from battle or into the fray while keeping them from being damaged.

Benefactor- -2 to all attributes but STAB, +2 to STAB, gains Glorious Abilities Benefactor (exclusive to class) and Memorize.

    Benefactors are more advanced Piercers who have devoted their lives to the transdimensional Glorious Abilities, and have learned the exclusive healing ability of Our Glorious Benefactor as well as the abilities of everyday Piercers.

Cleaver (Knife Only)- -4 to HOLD, but gain +4 to CUT. May use Glorious Abilities with HOLD.

    Cleavers are the big brother of Knives, elites among their society. They are known for being dangerous foes who deal massive damage. Rare is the foe who survives multiple hits from a Cleaver, and fewer are aware of their ability to use their HOLD rather than their STAB to access the transdimensional power of Glorious Abilities.

Ladle (Spoon Only)- +2 to CUT, +4 to HOLD, no Glorious Abilities at start.

    Ladles are an evolution of the Spoon that is much larger and meaner. They are capable of resisting almost any damage, as well as dealing more damage than their lesser brethren. Ladles, however, lack the finesse of most spoons, and typically do not tap into Glorious Abilities as readily as their counterparts.

Pitchfork (Fork Only)- CUT+8, loses 1 Glorious Ability and 2 STAB

    Pitchforks are a little disputed among the silverware community. On one hand, it is unheard of pitchforks being used to eat, but on the other hand nobody's volunteering to kick them out. They may not be terribly tough, but they deal massive damage and they still have Glorious Abilities though they are clumsier with them than their kindred.

Glorious Abilities and You

Some individuals in the silverware community have claimed to be able to operate on a transdimensional level. This is widely disputed by scientists and theorists, but the fact remains that some individuals are capable of using "Glorious Abilities". These allow them to do things that seem impossible by logical reasoning. These Glorious Abilities are known to come in certain forms. Each Silverware (excepting most Knives, who tend to be inglorious) seems to have a select these from birth, regardless of training, though they cannot be changed by any known method. In addition to this, particularly heroic silverware seem to acquire new Glorious Abilities during their adventures. Similarly, there are orders which can train Glorious Abilities, but such things require long dedication and devotion and the disregard for all other pursuits.

There are twenty known Glorious Ability Forms:

Alacrity, Acid, Benefactor, Bolt, Carnage, Cleanse, Darken, Eviscerate, Greater Xenoform, Lesser Bolt, Lift, Light, Memorize, Residue, Summon, Stink, Trap, Warp, Xenoform, Zombify


Allow the user to act twice in each turn.

Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Reduce all combatants' HOLD by 2.
Cumulative with Stink.
Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Restore 1 Dent on an ally.

Usable twice per floor.


Cause 1 dent to an enemy,
ignoring their HOLD
Usable once per battle.


Reduce all combatants' STAB by 2

Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Reduce all combatants' CUT by 2.

Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Cause 7 dents against a living creature.
Uses CUT to cast, rather than STAB.
Usable once per floor.

Greater Xenoform

Adopt a startling likeness to scare foes.
Enemies' CUT and HOLD -1.
Works for a whole battle, once per floor.

Lesser Bolt

Deal 1 dent of damage to a foe.
HOLD check required.
Usable five times per battle.


Lift a friendly silverware.
You fight like one combatant.
Their CUT is used to attack.
Your HOLD is used to defend.
The highest STAB is used to cast.
Dents are given to partner with least.
Can be used at will.


All combatants CUT raises by 2.

Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Use any Glorious Ability again.
Must have used it already.
Once per floor.


Increase one target's HOLD by 2.

Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Summon a minion to fight for you.
Has 8 CUT, HOLD, resists 2 dents.
Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Reduce all combatants' HOLD by 2.
Cumulative with Acid.
Works for a whole battle, once per floor.


Retreat from battle.
Enemies cannot chase.
Once per floor.


Teleport an ally anywhere on the field.

Usable once per battle.


Take the form of a frightening foe.
Enemies' CUT decreased by 1.
Works for a whole battle, twice per floor.


Return an ally to life.
Their STAB decreases to 2.
Regain one dent.
STAB is restored at a floor's end.
Usable on bent silverware.

The Call of Battle

    Our Glorious Dishwasher attempts to be a realistic silverware combat simulation, so combat takes place on a grid of squares over a sequence of turns.

    Each player's silverware and every enemy combatant is represented by a piece on the grid, representing the space they take up. The Game Master determines where exactly each piece starts out in a battle, though as a general rule silverware adventurers stick close to each other, so they usually will not be separated by large distances or foes, unless the environment they are in would suggest it.

    After the pieces have been placed on the board, each silverware or opponent rolls against their STAB. Whoever rolls lowest relative to their STAB goes first, and the other combatants move in order of their advantage. In case of a tie, re-rolls may be done (just to see which of the pair wins, they won't move backward or forward relative to non-tied combatants).

    Example: Fluffy the housecat and Jim the Spork Benefactor are in combat. Fluffy has a STAB of 14, and Jim as a STAB of 12.
The Game Master rolls for Fluffy, and Fluffy winds up with a result of 10. Jim's player rolls for his character, and gets a result of 4. Even though Fluffy's STAB was higher, he was only below it by four points, while Jim was below his STAB by a whopping 8 points!

    After initiative has been chosen, each combatant records their turn order; they will move in this order through each of the later phases.

    The first of these phases is movement. All silverware move 5 grid tiles, though some non-silverware combatants may move at different rates. Silverware cannot move through tiles occupied by another combatant, but they are capable of moving into all eight adjacent tiles (like kings on a chess board). Non-silverware may have different movement rules, but this is noted in their description in the Opponent Omnibus for the Game Master's perusal.

    The second phase is the action phase. All silverware get to take one action, or two half-actions, depending on what they want to do. Using a Glorious Ability or attacking is a full action, and there are several half-actions.

    Glorious Abilities and attacks are handled very similarly-each Glorious Ability requires a roll against the user's STAB, while each attack uses a roll against the user's CUT. The attacker should keep track of how far below his CUT or HOLD he is, unless he is above the value, in which case he is unsuccessful. If successful, the Glorious Ability takes effect, or the attack lands. Attacks are then resisted by an opponent's HOLD. Should the defender beat his HOLD by more than the attacker beat his CUT, the defender takes no damage, otherwise he takes a dent of damage. Should the defender take more dents than he can resist, he is considered "bent" and cannot act for the remainder of the floor.