The Argument

Why Jared Lorenzen should start for the Giants over Eli Manning

What's in a name?  Talent versus the "Manning" brand

by Clif Hatton

      Let me get this straight... a team with Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Michael Strahan, Lavar Arrington, etc., etc., finishes 8-8 in the NFC?!  The same NFC where a team can win their division batting .500?  Really?  With all that talent?

 Okay, so there were some injuries, but the G-Men still had high-quality starters on the field that should have easily beat up on most of the NFC, the NFL conference version of a red-headed stepchild (who is also retarded.)  Even through an embarassing four-game losing streak and back to back losses to the Eagles and Saints at the end of the season, they still made the playoffs (Cincinnati, Denver, Tennessee - I feel your pain.)  Surprise surprise, one and out with a loss to the Eagles.

 Fingers, as they are want to do, are pointing in every direction.  "Tough Guy Tom" Coughlin is responsible for not instilling more discipline in his players.  Tiki is not focused on the game as he rushes into retirement.  Outbursts from players criticizing their own team leads to bad blood and lowers team morale.  The harsh glow of the New York media caused the collapse. 

 I take my finger and (rightly) point it squarely at Eli Manning as the reason the NY Giants stink like puke that someone peed on.  Inconsistent play?  No; he's very consistent... at sucking crazy-bad.  Bad throws, interceptions, terrible decision making skills, inability to read the defense; I could go on an on.

 Now I understand, the "Manning" name is tempting.  After all, Peyton is tossing touchdowns AND driving a Bobcat around at this very moment.  But Eli had his chance, and has actually gotten worse after a "meh" rookie season.  That's what you get when you put your franchise hopes on the back of a jersey, and the emergence of Philip Rivers should sting double, you tard-packs!

 But you can change, New York.  Name Jared Lorenzen the starter for next season.  With him in charge, go ahead and put four more in the "W" column.  Think about it:

- At 6'4" and 285 lbs, he is impervious to physical pain.  Go ahead and fire your backup QB (Manning); you won't need him.

- At 6'4" and 285 lbs, he is an insanely cuddly teddy bear.  There is no way to not like Jared Lorenzen.  His easy-going demeanor would win over teammates quickly, and they would quickly gain confidence in their new leader.  The fans would embrace him for his chubby features, and the career-shredding New York media could not bring themselves to rip on a guy that lovable.  This equals no distractions for the Giants club, and provides even more time to focus on football.

- Tiki retired?  Lorenzen is your new feature back.

- He can throw the football eighty yards... on his back.

- He can drag three defensive linemen 10 yards at a time.

- Did you see him call that timeout that one time?  No one does it better.

 The cards are on the table, New York.  You have the keys.  The ball is in your court.  The, um, decision is yours to make.  The power is yours, Captain Planet.  Trade Eli to some dimwit team (yeah, dumber than you guys) for a draft pick and a running back and hand the reins over to the Hefty Lefty.  Let his steady hand guide you through the regular season, into the playoffs, and all the way to the Super Bowl.  Let him hold the Lombardi trophy first; he earned it.  Then take him to Reno's in Georgetown, KY.  They make a 64 oz. steak that you get for free if you eat it all. 

He will eat it all.

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YOUR Thoughts...

...The only time Eli comes close to being a Nfl Qb is on the very first drive of a game before the defense has a chance to adjust to the playcalling....
...IF he were not Named Manning he would not be starting in the NFL...
...Many non-parcel fans agree that Lorenzen out performed all the Qbs including Eli Manning in the offseason and in the preseason in his limited time...

Current starter for the New York Giants, Eli Manning, shown here, drunk as hell

Manning, yelling at a child in a wheelchair (the child was holding a kitten)

Jared Lorenzen