Episode 12: One Man and a Baby

Original Airdate: January 24, 1991 


Brandon dates a teen mom, and Brenda conquers her fear of heights 

Our Analysis

Episode 11: B.Y.O.B.

Episode 13: Slumber Party is coming soon, but check out The Bevvies for our midseason awards!

Home

 There's someone on the other side of my tree!

I wonder if Samantha Sanders' number is in there?

It's on money!

Brandon is rejected!

Nice microphone in the shot, by the way.

 A BABY?!?!?!?!?!

Don't talk about your baby!  You'll never get into Harvard that way! 

A BABY!!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

WBH.  Brandon's eating lunch alone at a tree.  He goes to take a bite of his sandwich, and he hears some faint singing.  Who could it be?  He looks at the other side of the tree, and there's a pretty brunette singing with headphones and a coursebook to Harvard.  Question: How smart are these two if they couldn't see someone else on the other side of the tree?  They flirt, Brandon admits that he's a junior, and Melissa wishes she could skip.  Brandon's all for it, but Melissa runs off...without her Latin paper!  She got an A+, by the by.

  • A: Was this supposed to be them meeting cute?
  • R: Brenda's singing? Oh. That's not Brenda. Whoops! That's Melissa. She's kinda horsefaced.
  • R: Melissa has such a hard life. It's tough to be brilliant.

Later at home, Brandon looks at her paper all dreamily, and takes out the WBH student directory.  Not that that's an invasion of privacy in rich bitch BH, or the fact that the kids of these so-called celebritys would never publish their phone numbers in something that would be so readily available to the media, but I suppose it was a different time.  Ah, 1991.  You seem so far away.

  • R: They have a school phonebook? That's weird. I would ask to be unlisted.

Any. WAY.  Brandon picks up the phone to call her, but then he chickens out.  What's a boy to do?  Go yell at Brenda for tying up the phone!  Kelly and Brenda are trying to win some contest on the radio, but when they hear Brandon's trying to call a girl they want all the embarrassing details, as any sibling of Brandons undoubtably would.  Kelly wants to know who would want to date a girl who takes Latin, and they force Brandon to make a phone call.  He wants some opening lines, and Kelly suggests the only Latin she knows; "E pluribus unum."  Brandon looks slightly impressed with this, but Kelly dispells the smart girl myth: "It's on money."

  • A: I love Kelly and Brenda just hanging out at home.  Cute that Kelly is comfortable enough at the house now to tease Brandon.

Kelly and Brenda give Brandon advice: "Don't give her time to say no.  Be sweet.  Be cocky.  Don't be too cocky."  They go on in this vein, and continue while Brandon's on the phone with Melissa.  He asks her out a couple times, and each time she says she's baby-sitting.  They laugh at Brandon's rejection, Brenda commenting that, "Nobody baby-sits that much."  You baby-sat an awful lot this season Ms. Walsh!  Brandon turns that line back on Melissa and pretty much goads her into going out with him.  Score?

  • R: I like Melissa. But what's her secret?
  • A: It's not called baby-sitting if it's your own kid.  Oops!  Did I spoil the big reveal for everyone?

Brandon picks Melissa up, and she tells him there is a lot that he doesn't know about him.  Back at the Casa Walsh, Brenda and Kelly are trying to win the radio contest.  Brandon hears her on his date, and they win two tickets for sky-diving lessons!  Turns out that Brenda is "scared to death of heights."  Uh oh!

  • R: BRENDA WON!!! OMG this is AWESOME!!!

He drops her off, and comments that tonight was really great.  Melissa says that she feels like she's deceiving him, and invites him inside.  She introduces him to baby Joey, and the bab actually looks dead.  Creepy!  Melissa tells him that Joey is her son, and Brandon reacts like she just told him she had some contagious VD.  YOUR SON?  Nice lip curling in disgust, Brando.

  • R: AAAAH!!!! SHE HAS A BABY!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

Brenda tries to convince Ma and Pa that she should go sky-diving.  Cindy tries to talk her out of it: "What if you won two weeks in Siberia."  Brenda say that she would go.

  • A: I love Brenda.  Of course she would take advantage of any oppourtunity presented to her.  She has a fantastic attitude.
  • R: Skydiving lessons = awesomely bad prize.

Later that night, Brandon reveals Melissa's big secret.  Brenda's shocked and wants to know all the details, specifically, will Brandon ask her out again?

  • A: WTWBH?  A teen has a baby?

WBH.  Brandon goes to Steve to get the insider scoop on Melissa, and Steve is typically meathead about it.  Brandon and Steve spar over whose fault the pregnancy was, and what Melissa should have done.  Brandon gets frustrated, and leaves to ask Melissa out again.

  • R: "Most girls would take care of the problem."
  • A: Oh, Steve.  Don't try to defy my expectations by acting mature or anything. 

Melissa looks at her grades (C-!  "Melissa, we can do better!").  Her friends stop to ask her how she and Joey are doing, but don't seem to really care.  Melissa's understandably frustrated, and makes a final plea, but they don't even look back.  Bitches.

  • R: Wow, Melissa has such shitty friends.
  • A: Damn, that's cold.

Brandon and Brenda take off for the night - Brandon for his date with Melissa, Brenda sneaking off for sky-diving lessons.  Kelly and Brenda both eye-flirt with their instructer, a blond named Don.  Brenda looks like she's going to be ill watching the video, and Kelly tells her to perk up.

  • R: No-one goes skydiving at night. I call shenanigans.
  • R: Oh, it's just a classroom lecture. That's cool. Hot instructor, though.

On Brandon's date, there was an emergency, and Melissa's got to take Joey with her.  He takes her to the Peach Pit, and they discuss having Joey and how difficult it is.  Joey looks like an asshole.  He starts crying, and Nat is typically adorable trying to be crusty, but is clearly charmed by the little tyke.  He finds out that Melissa is the mom, and he recoils, first making sure that the baby is not Brandon's.  Relieved, he makes some baby faces and walks off.

  • R: She can't feed the fucking kid for shit.
  • A: I can't understand why they didn't just get food to go at the Peach Pit and eat it at home.  Maybe the baby wouldn't be so fussy if he was out and about so late.
  • R: Nat, you are a giant tool.

Back at home, Brandon reveals the baby secret to his parents, and they are shocked and suprised.  He lectures them on accepting her teen pregnancy/parenting decisions, and then says, "If I never see that kid again, it'll be too soon."  FLW!

  • A: What is the big deal?  Don't tell me that back in Minneapolis there wasn't anyone pregnant in their high school.  Or is there something in the water to make all the girls miscarry?

The next day, who shows up at Brandon's house, but Melissa, with Joey in tow.  She shoves Joey off on Brandon with some hurried instructions, without even asking if it's okay or if he has any baby-sitting experience.  Do we sense some inept baby-sitting shenanigans?  We get a jump start on that when Brandon drops the bag of baby stuff.

  • A: Wow.  This is so incredibly innappropriate.  How can you leave your baby with someone who you have gone out with twice and known for a week.  You don't have a friend, an aunt, the father, the father's parents?  What about them?  Even if he doesn't want anything to do with Joey, maybe they would.  Damn, woman.  Create a support system that has nothing to do with the guy you JUST met.  For all you know, he thinks it's okay for them to play around in plastic bags and eat lead paint.

Brandon already looks completely overwhelmed as Cindy cuddles Joey.  Cindy and Jim have to leave for a lunch with a client, and advise Brandon to beg Brenda for help.  Unfortunately for Brandon, Brenda has another sky-diving lesson, and no amount of payment or bribes will convince her.  Steve's also over to watch the Lakers game (like they wouldn't go to Steve's house with a huge TV and fully stocked fridge), and assures the girls they can handle it.

  • R: Steve and Brandon with Joey is one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen.

Baby Hijinks.  They talk about having children, and agree not to have any for a long time.  They do a little, he said, she said, with Steve and Kelly telling different sides to the story over who wanted to have kids with whom.  Kelly and Brenda fight over Don, while Brandon and Steve sing lullabies to poor Joey, who is wrapped up in like five diapers with masking tape wrapped all around it.  Feeding goes as well as can be expected, with Brandon wearing the majority of the food.

  • R: BRANDON, you are a TERRIBLE babysitter!
  • A: Ditto.

Dream Sequence!  Brenda imagines she's in WWII, and Don and Brenda jump to help the allies.  Once she's jumped, Brenda comes back to reality to see Kelly oozing all over Don.

  • R: Kelly, you filthy whore. I think you are just wonderful.

Baby-sitting Bonanza.  Steve takes off for home, and Melissa comes to pick him up.  She jumps all over Brandon for feeding Joey ice cream, and being irresponsible.  Brandon doesn't take that crap, and Melissa reveals that her interview went horribly, and she's having second thoughts about keeping Joey.  She shits all over his attempts to comfort her: "You were the new kid for like a minute?  I'm the new mom forever." 

  • A: Actually, Melissa?  The new mom title wears off after a while.
  • R: She can't be that much of a new mom. The kid looks about 9 months.

Walsh Bathroom.  Brenda practices jumping, and Brandon yells at her for crinkling the funny pages.  Brenda sympathizes with Melissa and feels bad for her.  Cindy and Jim enter and want to have a family day and take them to the zoo.  The twins bail on the family plans, and Brenda expresses her regret over lying to her parents.  FLW, Brenda, the lies are just beginning!

  • R: Jesus, Brandon. Why the fuck are you drawing away from Brenda's pain AGAIN?!

Brandon brings a bouquet of baby toys to Melissa to make up, and she leaves to go on a drive.  Melissa's mom reminds her to come back soon, because they both have to work later.  Brandon suggests just a quick bite, and Melissa puts the kibosh on baby talk, and tells Brandon to make some random turns.  Oh, 1991.  The days that you could just drive around, because gas wasn't $50 a tank.

  • R: Brandon is able to drive again for fun? Last episode he had his license suspended!

Brenda and Kelly are waiting to jump.  Kelly looks excited, and Brenda looks sick.  Brenda tries to back out, and Kelly and Brenda throw each other out of the plane.  Much shrieking ensues, and they seem to be having a bunch of fun.

Back on the date, it's really dark out, and Melissa wants to fool around.  She doesn't want to be herself.  She wants to get really lost, and stay out all night.  Brandon brings up Joey, and that turns Melissa off real quick.  He tries to get her back in the mood, but she just wants to go home.

  • R: "I feel like doing something so crazy" - bitch, you got a kid. Take some fucking responsibility.

Walsh house.  Brenda comes clean, and apologizes to her parents, but tells them it was worth it.  Cindy makes an unfunny joke about crossword puzzles, and they smooch us into later that night.

  • R: Yes, Brenda. You are the shit.
  • A: Brenda clearly does not give a fuck what they say.
  • R: Oh, God, Cindy. Shut up. The crossword is not about you, you stupid fuck.

Melissa comes over, and acts like she ran away from home.  Her parents got pissed off at her for staying out so late, saying that she did it deliberately.  Um, hello?  She totally did.  Brandon offers to take Joey off her hands for a few days, but Melissa says she giving him up instead.  Brandon tries to talk her out of it, but I missed the rest of the conversation, because I fell asleep.

  • R:Not to sound rude, but it seems a little selfish when you are a rich Beverly Hills girl who has all the priveleges available to her deciding to keep a baby around for nine months and then put it up for adoption when she gets bored of it. If you're going to give it up, do it when you give birth. Otherwise, take some fucking responsibility.

Cindy tries to talk Melissa, and they bond over being parents.  Snore.

  • A: God.  Cindy always thinks that she can fix every damn problem.

The next day at "their tree", Melissa reveals that Joey said mama, she's taking a half day schedule at school, will be keeping Joey and putting Harvard off a semester.  She turns Brandon down for a date, kisses him, and then walks off, never to be seen again.  At least Brandon says goodbye this time.