Redneck Jokes

Some of my favorite Redneck Jokes 

You just gotta see this collection of redneck pictures. For the last10 years I have been saving pictures people have sent me or that I have seen on the internet. Then last year I put them together into this PowerPoint Slide show. (Download by right clicking on your mouse and selecting "Save Link As..."

Rednecks.pps

This is a PowerPoint Show. If you cannot view this file, I would suggest you download and install the PowerPoint
Viewer from Microsoft.
 

It's Free!

 

TROUBLES? CANNOT DOWNLOAD? EMAIL ME AT jrw5255@gmail.com

 Some Things Rednecks Will Never Say

  • I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
  • Duct tape won't fix that.
  • Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
  • We don't keep firearms in this house.
  • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  • You can't feed that to the dog.
  • I thought Graceland was tacky.
  • No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
  • Wrestling's fake.
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We're vegetarians.
  • Do you think my gut is too big?
  • I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
  • Honey, we don't need another dog.
  • Who cares who won the Civil War?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  • Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  • Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
  • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Checkmate.
  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
  • I don't have a favorite college team.
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  • Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

You Might Be a Redneck If.. 

  • You trim your beard and find a French fry.
  • You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
  • You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
  • Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
  • Your car alarm eats dog food.
  • Your car burns more oil than gas.
  • Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
  • Your horse can count higher than you.
  • Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.
  • Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
  • Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
  • Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
  • You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
  • You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
  • You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
  • You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
  • You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
  • You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.
  • Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  • You've ever stolen a bulldozer.
  • All of your four-letter words are two syllables.
  • You cut your toenails in front of company.
  • You've ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You think women are turned on by animal sounds.
  • You think women are turned on by tongue gestures.
  • You have to dress the kids up to go to Wal*Mart.
  • You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister.
  • You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.
  • You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
  • You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong.
  • Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school clothes for the kids.
  • Your sister's child looks just like you.
  • You've ever given rat traps as a gift.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater.
  • The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.
  • You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??


Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Some Are Not so Bright

There was this fellow from South Georgia who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Redneck Love Song

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin',
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds . . . IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!

Luv, from yor romeo
Bubba

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON


Dearest Redneck Son,
        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  
We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
        I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam  
to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

Southern Relocation

If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
 
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They  can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
 
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
 
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
 
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

Rednecks Understanding of Computer Terms

  • LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
  • LOG OFF:Too much wood on fire MONITOR:Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
  • DOWN LOAD:Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
  • FLOPPY DISC:Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood RAM:That thar thang what splits the farwood
  • HARD DRIVE:Gitten home in the winter time
  • WINDOWS:Whut to shut when its cold outside
  • SCREEN:Whut to shut when its black fly season
  • BYTE:Whut dem flys do
  • CHIP:Munchies fer the TV
  • MICRO CHIP:Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
  • MODEM:Whatcha do to the hay fields
  • DOT MATRIX:Ole Dan Matrix's wife
  • LAP TOP:Whar the kitty sleeps
  • KEYBOARD:Whar you hang the truck keys
  • SOFTWARE:Dem plastic forks and knifes
  • MOUSE:What eats the grain in the barn
  • MOUSE PAD:That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
  • MAINFRAME:Holds up the barn roof
  • PORT:Fancy flatlander wine
  • ENTER:Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
  • CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
  • DOUBLE CLICK:When you cock the double barrel
  • REBOOT:Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse


Things I've learned about Tennessee and being a Tennessean....

  • Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
     
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
     
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a  couple no one's seen before.
     
  • Squirrels will eat anything.
     
  • Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
     
  • Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
     
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
     
  • A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck. 
  • "Onced" and "twiced" are words.
     
  • It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
     
  • Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
     
  • People actually grow and eat okra.
     
  • Fixinto" is one word.
     
  • There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.
     
  • Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
  •  "Backards and forards" means "I know everything about you."
     
  • "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" 
  • You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. 

 Ma and Pa Eating Out

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young ! man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered: "The Teeth."

Windows Redneck Edition

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 98 Southern Edition, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

Please also note:

  • The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
  • My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
  • Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
  • Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
  • Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
  • Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
  • Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

  • OK -   ats aw-right
  • Cancel  -  stopdat
  • Reset -   try er agin
  • Yes  -  yep
  • No  -  noop
  • Find  -  hunt fer it
  • Go to  -  over yonder
  • Back -   back yonder
  • elp -   hep me out here
  • Stop  -  kwitit
  • Start -   crank er up
  • ettings  -  settins
  • Programs  -  stuff at duz stuff
  • Documents  -  stuff ah done did


Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:

  • Tiperiter -   A word processing program
  • Colerin book  -  a graphics program
  • cyferin mersheen  -  Calculator
  • outhouse paper  -  notepad
  • iner-net  -  Microsoft Explorer
  • pichers  -  A graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

 

Only in the South

In the South when . . .

1.    You get a movie and bait in the same store. Maybe tanning booths too.
2.    "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3.    After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4.    "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.