Jim's Humor Page

Some of my favorite jokes and funny stuff 

I've put all my redneck jokes on this new page

Redneck Jokes

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My Oldster jokes can be found on this page

"Getting Old" Jokes

 

 

Want to tell me a joke? Email me here.


A College Graduate 

 A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

 Blonde Joke

 On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied... "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied... "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the
copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New
York."

 Weddings & Funerals

     When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

    They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Waterloo 

    A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
    The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
    Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.
    "Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
    The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

 In Mourning      

     A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
     The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
     "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
     The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
      The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." 

The Elevator

An country boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What that, Paw?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I ain't never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Go get your maw."

 

Women and Men

  Women

  • Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
  • Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
  • Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. 
  • A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
  • Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
  • The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
  • They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

  Men

  • Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders. 

Redneck Mother Writes Her Son


Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. 
We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
        I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam 
to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

A Farmer's Divorce

 A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit.  I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.  WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

A Smirk of Wisdom!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique
-- just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.

If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

Remember, when someone annoys you,
it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm
and smack that jerk upside the head.

The things that come to those who wait
are what's left behind by those who got there first.

Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.

Taxation WITH representation
isn't so hot, either!

Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Timing has an awful lot to do
with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.

Anything worth taking seriously
is worth making fun of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie"
while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable;
if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard
 

 

A story about 4 people named:
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

 

Baseball in Heaven?

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."