"Getting Old" Jokes
 

Getting Old is not funny?... Oh, yes it is too!

 

 

Please let me have the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Still Driving?

A group of old folks sat talking.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.


"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can all still drive."

 

Signs You're Getting Older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
5. Your children begin to look middle aged.
6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
8. You look forward to a dull evening.
9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
15. Your back goes out more than you do.
17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl..
18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room


YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

  • I'm the life of the party... even if it lasts until 8 PM. 
  • I’m very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
  • I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
  • I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
  • I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
  • I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
  • I’m aware that other people’s great grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
  • I’m so cared for --  long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
  • I’m not really grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.
  • I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
  • I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
  • I’m having trouble remembering simple words like.......ugh?
  • I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
  • I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
  • I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
  • I’m a walking storeroom of facts.....  I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN
and I think I am having the time of my life!
 

 

 Retires

Question:    When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer:    Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:     How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:    Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:    What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:    There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:    Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:    The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question:    Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:    Tied shoes.

Question:    Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers:    They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:    What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:    NUTS!

Question:    Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:    They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:    What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:    Normal.

Question:    What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers:    The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:    What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:    If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:    Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:    He is too polite to tell the whole tru
th.

 For Computer Users Over 40

A computer was something on TV,
From a Science Fiction show of note,

A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the night,
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
Censored zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Censored zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your comm! ode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue,
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

  • All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
  •  It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
  •  Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
  •  Nobody owned a purebred dog?
  •  When a quarter was a decent allowance?
  •  You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
  •  Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
  •  All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
  •  You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
  •  And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
  •  Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
  •  It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
  •  They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed… and they did?
  •  When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
  •  No one ever asked where the car keys were  because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
  •  Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ______” and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
  •  Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today? 

Remember when being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Can you remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell , Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.  As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

How many of these do you remember?

  • Candy cigarettes
  • Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
  • Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
  • Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
  • Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
  • Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  • Newsreels before the movie
  • P.F. Fliers
  • Telephone numbers with a word prefix... (Raymond 4-601).
  • Party lines
  • Peashooters
  • Howdy Doody
  • 45 RPM records
  • Green Stamps
  • Hi-Fi's
  • Metal ice cubes trays with levers
  • Mimeograph paper
  • Beanie and Cecil
  • Roller-skate keys
  • Cork pop guns
  • Drive ins
  • Studebakers
  • Washtub wringers
  • The Fuller Brush Man
  • Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
  • Tinkertoys
  • Erector Sets
  • The Fort Apache Play Set
  • Lincoln Logs
  • 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
  • 5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
  • Penny candy
  • 35 cent a gallon gasoline
  • Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

  •  Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
  •  Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"
  •  "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
  •  Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
  •  It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
  •  The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
  •  Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
  •  A foot of snow was a dream come true
  •  Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
  •  "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
  •  Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
  •  The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
  •  War was a card game?
  •  Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
  •  Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
  •  Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945

WE ARE SURVIVORS!!!
CONSIDER THE CHANGES WE HAVE WITNESSED

We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lenses, Frisbees, and “The Pill.”

We, were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ballpoint pens , before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes   before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be?

In our times closets were for clothes, not for “coming out of” Rabbits were small, bunnies   not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with our cousins.

We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and Outer Space was the back of Riviera Theater.

We were before househusbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and commuter marriages. We were before day care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. For us, time sharing meant togetherness   not computers or condominiums, a “chip” meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, software wasn't even a word!

In 1940 “made in Japan,” meant junk, and the term “making out” referred to how you did on your exam. "McDonalds" and instant coffee were unheard of.

We hit the scene when there were 5 & 10 cents stores, where you actually bought things for 5 & 10 cents. The “Corner Store” sold ice cream for a nickel or a dime, sherbet in a squeeze cup for 2 or 4 cents. For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter and two post cards, You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $500 but who could afford one? A pity too, because gas was only a few cents a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mowed, Coke was a cold drink and pot was something you cooked in. Rock music was a Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes were discovered, but we were surely before the sex change. We made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby!

No wonder we are all so confused   maybe this is why there's such a generation gap today!


Wal-Mart Shopping 

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! , tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing shortshorts. What does you wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's go look for yours."

 

Aging

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Incentive 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."


The Perks of Being Over 40...

 

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

Growing Older

Please let me have the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1.         I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.         My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3.         I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4.         Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5.         All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6.         If all is not lost, where is it?

7.         It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8.         Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9.         I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10.     It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

11.     The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

12.     If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

13.     When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

14.     It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

15.     The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

16.     These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN

1.         You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2.        Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3.        At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4.        Your back goes out but you stay home.

5.        When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6.        It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7.        When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8.        When happy hour is a nap.

9.        When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

10.     When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it.

11.      When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12.     When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13.     Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14.     It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15.     Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16.     Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17.     You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18.     The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19.     Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20.    The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21.     It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22.    Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23.    You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24.    You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25.    You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26.    You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27.    You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28.    You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

 To my friends who can identify with this disorder and to the young ones who make fun of me and my deficits: I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. I call it the “BUT FIRST” Syndrome.

I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table.  OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail.  Lay car keys down on desk.  After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trashcan is full.  OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops..  there's only one check left.  Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk.  I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.  I head for the kitchen, look out the window, and notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.  What are they doing here?  I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants.  I head for the door and... Aaaagh! I notice the dog needs to be fed. Okay, I'll feed the dog and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!  I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.

 

AARP Song

 

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune:

 


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

 The New, New Alphabet

 

A is for apple, and  B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now...The  Alphabet 
 

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give
       me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is  for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed,
And I am keeping
twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!