Jokes and Info!

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 Jokes and Info pages

Three Blonds

A officer was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become police women. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it.  

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

 The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

 The officer says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

 Slightly flustered by this stupid response, he flashes the picture for 6 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is the suspect, how would you recognize him?"

 The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

 The officer angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!
Is that the best you can come up with?"

 Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is the suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me the answer."

 The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

 The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

 "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

 He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

 "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

 "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
 

The moon

Two blonds are out on the balcony at night.

The first blond says to the other one i wonder which is closer the moon or London.

The second blond thinks for a while.

"duh....can you see London"

Another Blond joke

" you are suffering from what is technically known as an electra complex," the doctor is informing his blond female patient."in other words, you are in love with your father."

The blond breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"now, now," comforts the shrink. "it' not all that bad."

"yes.. (sniff)... yes, it is, " the blond gets out between sobs.

"i have no chance at all.. he's a married man!"

 

God

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Funny order

A blond walks into a building and walks up to the counter and says"can i please have a big mac, small coke and  medium fries the women behind the counter says I'm sorry lady this is a library the blond  then repeats the order in a whispered voice.

 

Police man

A new police recruit was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his own mother.

His answer was, "call for back up."


Frog

A guy is 69 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "pick me up."

He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "yes i'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and i'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. i'll then give you more sexual plesaure then you have ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carfully, and placed in in his fount breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what i said? I said kiss me and i will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said," Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


Bar jokes

A jumper car lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer" he says

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worthy talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "that isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"yes ill show you."

He takes a drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building two times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't belive it, "i bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building two times and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer. so the guy says bartender, "Giver her one of what I'm haveing."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 20 stories, brakes every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks  up at the guy and says, "you know superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk."


Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Bar joke

Two guys meet in a bar.

the first guy say "are you married"

the other guy says" yes, and she's an angel"

The first guy says " your lucky mines still alive"

 

Best Genie Story    
 
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive  is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm  voice said, "Come on in."
 When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was  all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side  near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my  window?"

"Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
 "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"  
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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