Of the many mantras I learned while growing up in suburban New York during the 1980s, the most important included that your hair can never be too high, your shoulder pads can never be too wide, and the customer isn’t necessarily right. These sentiments and more are explored in this collection of three humor essays set in 1980s suburbia detailing the idiosyncrasies of shopping at Caldor, the horrors of underage test taking, and survival tales at an Italian-American hair salon.
What I aim to provide in The Thrifty Little Lady's Guide to Repairing Home and Heart
are practical, affordable, and somewhat half-assed solutions to ordinary home and heart problems that need to be fixed for about as long as the term of your lease. We’re not talking This Old House, we’re talking This-Just-About-Functioning-House. In addition you will be privy to personal anecdotes, which will hopefully transform the feeling of “why me?” into “well at least I’m not her.”
If you have water pouring through a foot-wide hole in the ceiling or a raccoon living in your coat closet, my advice to you is to put this book down, grab the phone number of a professional, and exit the premises immediately for the nearest bar or coffee house. However, if you come face-to-face with a mouse or hole in your window screen the information provided here should have you mostly covered.
After a decade of living in apartments by myself, before ultimately marrying a less-than-handy man, I’ve amassed a wealth of tips, tricks, and techniques that have allowed me to fix up the most incredible household disasters—despite many being caused by, well, me. So before you start saving up for a drill capable of penetrating concrete, read ahead and see if there just might be an easier and cheaper way to do what you need to do!
Ever had a date eat a floral centerpiece at a wedding? Ever thought the Olympics should be held in the New York City subway system? Ever wondered why you dead bolt your front door but leave your wallet under a flip flop at the beach? Fingers Crossed, Legs Uncrossed explores these subjects and more while offering a hilarious glimpse of an ordinary person experiencing life in extraordinary ways. Journey through life with a perpetual underdog who contemplates the mass return of the heinous station wagon and obsesses about being “pee-shy” in the workplace restroom, all while trying to survive a daily commute. Despite the cynicism and sardonic wit that bites through much of Fingers Crossed, Legs Uncrossed, optimism prevails as often does the underdog.
After breaking up with someone for the third time, being laid off for the second, or being pushed on the subway for what is sworn to be “the last”, laugh about how someone else deals with a series of urban adventures hoping for the best and just keeping Fingers Crossed, Legs Uncrossed.
Cara Peroni is an unemployed, dateless, city-dweller who thinks a job offer from The Ion Group is the silver bullet that will jumpstart her life. But one day of working for the mysterious medical education company has her thinking that the only jumping she might do is out of a conference room window. Her boss speaks in circles and challenges employees to feats of strength; her coworkers hoard office supplies like squirrels do acorns; and her office manager spits so much venom that Cara clamors for an antidote.Unfortunately, her love life parallels her career and dating disasters lurk in every corner. In spite of dining with a man who confesses to be missing a stomach, and finding out that the guy who says he loves pets actually breeds rats and snakes in his apartment, Cara's optimism somehow prevails as she hunts to find a needle in a haystack under the very last straw.Dodging barbs from her parents and bayonets from her boss, Cara navigates the road less traveled without using a map. But with the help of her friends and someone very special she realizes that she just may be her own best compass.