Random Unsold Jokes

All “Random Unsold Jokes” written by Jeff Burdick. And no plagiarizing please, as your online IPO address will rat you out quicker than a Rod Blagojevich staffer.
  • I’m in a new 12 Step Program through my Church. Step 1 is to make amends. The other 11 involve tithing.
  • If you think being Amish is difficult to express, try saying you’re just a little Amish – or Amishish.
  • I just downloaded an R-rated version of Words With Friends called “Having Words with People.” And it’s effing awesome, biatches.
  • Genetic testing scares me. What if I learn skinny jeans will never be in my future?
  • I think “Movember” is a great cause, but I’m happy to see my wife’s Epilady back on the job.
    • Is Babar ever offended when two people blatantly ignore him and then suddenly say, “Look, I think we should talk about the elephant in the room.”
    • “Sexiest Man Alive”: Is the word “alive” really necessary? Or does People employ an unusually large number of necrophiliacs who would skew the staff vote?
    • In a past life, I was probably an immortal. If not that, then one of those prehistoric fancy fish with fangs.
    • I’m starting to suspect write-in ballots aren’t counted if you put down “D – All of the above.”
    • Nice how Mitt Romney named all his sons as differently as possible from himself. Let’s see, there’s Matt, Tagg, Taxx, Dodge and Gekko.
    • A pity Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer flopped at the box office. Guess we’ll never see its sequel, Mitt Romney: Robin Hood.
    • Need to redo my New Year’s Resolution. Approaching all things with a child-like wonder is not ideal when working with power tools.
    • Ever find yourself eating in a bathroom wondering: “When will this cruel cycle end?” 
    • The 4th of July is by far my favorite holiday – that one day a year my bunting belly shirts don’t look out of place.
    • I just learned “going on the lam” and “getting a Gyros to go” are completely different things. Makes me wonder if my Phoenix University degree is worth the copy paper it’s printed on.
    • Caveat emptor to anyone shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift: The “couples massage” sounds romantic… until you meet the other couple.
    • Why not combine Leap Day and Daylight Saving Time so every four years we just move our calendars back 23 hours.
    • Whenever I hear the phrase “Old School,” I picture court-mandated driving courses in Florida.
    • With age, my tastes have become less finicky. Yet crayons remain hard to pass.
    • When the hungry aliens come, the safe money says they’ll target the obese first, but then really overpay for food snobs lightly fattened with foie gras.
    • Investigation of “person of interest” dropped when he’s discovered to be agonizingly, painfully boring.
    • Smart Water really works. At first, I paid $2 for 1 liter. Then I learned I could get 2 liters for $3. I’m sure I’ll eventually learn how to save even more on water.
    • Today I attempt to educate my colleagues on the common meaning of Hump Day... and why we should no longer tolerate their version in the work place.
    • I’m traveling today to Texas on business. Anyone know if their conceal-carry laws cover nice thoughts toward President Obama?
    • I must agree with the Republicans’ opposition to the Buffet Rule. If the federal government can start regulating serve-yourself food lines, what’s next?
    • Anyone else hitting tonight’s Fish Fry fundraiser for Gamblers Anonymous? They're serving blow fish. 
    • My Bucket List:
      • Tweak my lozenge-patch invention. Forehead application is still a bit cumbersome.
      • Witness a Mexican standoff, involving actual Mexicans.
      • Replicate a John Mayer ability to fake sincerity and likability in verse only.
      • When some real jerk asks for an example of a good synechoche, be quick witted enough to say “a**hole.”
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