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    Random Unsold Jokes

    All “Random Unsold Jokes” written by Jeff Burdick. And no plagiarizing please, as your online IPO address will rat you out quicker than a Rod Blagojevich staffer.
    • I’m in a new 12 Step Program through my Church. Step 1 is to make amends. The other 11 involve tithing.
    • If you think being Amish is difficult to express, try saying you’re just a little Amish – or Amishish.
    • If God didn’t create college towns to give progressives a non-urban alternative, then probably only conservatives would believe in Him.
    • I just downloaded an R-rated version of Words With Friends called “Having Words with People.” And it’s effing awesome, biatches.
    • Genetic testing scares me. What if I learn skinny jeans will never be in my future.
    • I think “Movember” was a great cause, but I’m happy to see my wife’s Epilady back on the job.
      • Is Babar ever offended when two people blatantly ignore him and then suddenly say, “Look, I think we should talk about the elephant in the room.”
      • “Sexiest Man Alive”: Is the word “alive” really necessary? Or does People employ an unusually large number of necrophiliacs who would skew the staff vote?
      • In a past life, I was probably an immortal. If not that, then one of those prehistoric fancy fish with fangs.
      • I’m starting to suspect write-in ballots aren’t counted if you put down “D – All of the above.”
      • Nice how Mitt Romney named all his sons as differently as possible from himself. Let’s see, there’s Matt, Tagg, Taxx, Dodge and Gekko.
      • A pity Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer flopped at the box office. Guess we’ll never see its even less probable sequel, Mitt Romney: Robin Hood.
      • Need to redo my New Year’s Resolution. Approaching all things with a child-like wonder is not ideal when working with power tools.
      • Sport in greatest need of dropping its current corporate naming-rights contract: Formula One.
        • I support the European anti-austerity protesters and all, but why dress so blandly? Two words of advice: Pastel Revolution.
        • Ever find yourself sitting in the bathroom eating and wonder: “When will this cruel cycle end?” 
        • The 4th of July is by far my favorite holiday – that one day a year my bunting belly shirts don’t look out of place.
        • I just learned “going on the lam” and “getting a Gyros to go” are completely different things. Makes me wonder if my Phoenix University degree is worth the copy paper it’s printed on.
        • Caveat emptor to anyone shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift: The “couples massage” always sounds romantic… until you meet the other couple.
        • Why not combine Leap Day and Daylight Saving Time so every four years we just move our calendars back 23 hours.
        • Doubtful statistic of the year: Chicago Marathon organizers claim 1.7 million spectators lined the race route. I doubt Chicagoland has 1.7 million in shape, let alone that many into watching competitive jogging.
        • I love that the Paranormal Activity ghost detectives are Penn State students. Who better to separate hopeful delusion from reality.
        • Whenever I hear the phrase “Old School,” I picture court-mandated driving courses in Florida.
        • I like watching the early-season episodes of Dancing With the Stars before they cut the middle-aged female celebrities. But it’s mostly because I can’t justify booking a cruise just to watch young dance pros put the moves on over-medicated divorcees.
        • With age, my tastes have become less finicky. Yet crayons remain hard to pass.
        • I need to figure out the parental controls on the TV in my building’s gym. There’s so many people working out to the Food Network that I no longer care if they wipe down their machines. I’m thrilled if they just Dirt Devil their crumbs.
        • When the hungry aliens come, the safe money says they’ll target the obese first, but then really overpay for food snobs lightly fattened with foie gras.
        • Investigation of “person of interest” dropped when he’s discovered to be agonizingly, painfully boring.
        • Smart Water really works. At first, I paid $2 for 1 liter. Then I learned I could get 2 liters for $3. Eventually, I’m sure I can figure out how to save even more on water.
        • Today I attempt to educate my colleagues on the common meaning of Hump Day... and why we should no longer tolerate their version in the work place.
        • I’m traveling today to Texas on business. Anyone know if their conceal-carry laws cover kind thoughts toward President Obama?
        • I must agree with the Republicans’ opposition to the Buffet Rule. If the federal government can start regulating serve-yourself food lines, what’s next? Creating a health insurance mandate?
        • Anyone else hitting tonight’s Fish Fry fundraiser for Gamblers Anonymous? They're serving blow fish. 
        • My Bucket List:
          • Tweak my lozenge-patch invention. Forehead application is still a bit cumbersome.
          • Witness a Mexican standoff, involving actual Mexicans.
          • Replicate a John Mayer ability to fake sincerity and likability in verse only.
          • When some real jerk asks for an example of a good synechoche, be quick witted enough to say “a**hole.”            
        • When should I stop hoping a robust after-market might develop for Palm Pilots?
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