CHICAGO (June 2011) — Responding to incessant rumors about performance enhancing drugs (PEDs), star athletes joined their 10-inch-circumference upper arms to protest simple "open-your-eyes" observations by the general public.
Dismissing PED use as the cause of their freakish physiques and performances, athletes such as Tiger Woods, RogerClemens, LeBron James, Serena Williams and Laila Ali instead asserted they are the first of a new species of human beings known as Homo sapiens extremis.
Golf star Tiger Woods explained, “It’s called Occam’s razor: the simplest explanation is most likely right. So what is simpler to believe? That we all separately took different performance enhancing drugs to become the greatest in our respective sports at the same exact moment? Or that we represent the next great step forward in human evolution?”
“It shouldn't take someone with only two years of college like me to see that more than just obscene wealth separates us from you. We are simply a new superior species. If this were the Galapagos Islands, we’d be top finches,” Woods said, puffing his Nike-garbed chest out like a red-breasted frigate bird.
To underscore his commitment to all-natural performance, retired baseball star Roger Clemens declined use of a microphone to amplify his voice. Instead he boomed at the assembled reporters until the windows shattered. He then laughed ceilingward in the direction of God until triggering the low bleating alarms of the reporters’ Toyota Yarises and GEO Metros parked in a satellite lot.
Tennis star Serena Williams attended the news conference in her first public appearance since recovering from emergency surgery to remove a mysterious bloodclot. She first thanked the public for expressing their concern. She then dismissed those who compared her condition to endurance athletes like cyclists who developed lethal blood clots through the use of the white-cell-multiplying drug erythropoietin (EPO).
“My emergency surgery should be a wake-up call to all Homo sapiens extremis. We are so new, and there is so much we don’t know about our own species. My hope is through deep, concentrated self-absorption we can make that part of the past,” the 29-year-old Williams noted.
Basketball superstar Lebron James was on hand but did not speak. He is recovering from removal of another benign tumor from his massive 26-year-old Homo hablis-like head. Through his representatives, he said he wished to support his colleagues by contributing his silent presence, just as he did for the Miami Heat during the 2011 NBA Finals.
Tiger Woods also responded to questions about being a client of federally indicted sports doctor Dr.Anthony Galae. Woods said Dr. Galae only provided him with platelet therapy services known as “blood spinning” and that such spinning classes are common at health clubs across the country. He also claimed his platelet therapy was a final anniversary gift from his wife in keeping with Swedish tradition that celebrates the fifth wedding anniversary as the "platelet anniversary."
In a lovely basso singing voice, former female boxing champion Laila Ali concluded the press conference by serenading the press corps with a free-verse rhyme daring them to catch her using PEDs at their own peril, since she “floats like a hummingbird and stings like a 1-¼ inch hypodermic.”