Bringing Down the U.S. House

Tax-Averse GOP Floats New Debt-Relief Option: Gambling    

WASHINGTON, D.C. (July 2011) — To break the deadlock in the U.S. House of Representative over reducing national debt without raising any taxes, a bloc of less conservative Republicans has proposed legalizing casino gambling in Washington, D.C., and at U.S. Post Office facilities nationwide.

Follow SkitSketchJeff on Twitter

The plan would establish video poker, progressive slots and kino gaming next to the Sbarro at Ronald Reagan National Airport and in every post office in each zip code. Taxpayer support of the Smithsonian Institute would also disappear by allowing the Institute to re-open the National Design Museum (the least known and visited Smithsonian museum) as an OTB parlor. 

"It's creative, aligned with conservative monetary philosophy, and could replace Meals on Wheels with a free midnight shellfish buffet in underused postal facilities,” said William Bennett, a well-known conservative commentator, casino gambler and moral-compass crusader. “Democrats will also embrace re-purposing the National Design Museum, which they always mistook as devoted to intelligent design.”

Bennett added that part of the proposal’s genius is it won’t require a single tax to be increased. The Federal Debt currently stands at $12 trillion. Using conservative forecasting assumptions, the Congressional Budget Office scored the proposal and estimates it could generate $150 trillion in 10 years, or enough to eliminate the entire federal debt in just 8 months.

“Average Americans want D.C. to go all-in to quickly resolve this debt crisis,” Bennett said. “They are fed up with D.C. not facing up to and resolving its financial problems the same way many cash-strapped lower and middle-class Americans do: by turning to lotteries and casinos in the hopes of making all their problems magically disappear.”

A related revenue-generating amendment would revamp the Presidential Primary System by selecting each party’s nominee via a series of state-by-state Mega Millions Powerball lotteries.

Instead of mounting expensive and time-consuming campaign organizations in every state, presidential candidates in each party would be invited to purchase a special Powerball ticket for $5 million each. If no one wins the early Powerball primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire, the nomination would automatically roll-over to the next state primary. All remaining well-funded candidates would be eligible to purchase subsequent Powerball tickets until a candidate is selected.

“I believe a PowerBall approach will retain the core features of our current electoral process: limited debate of the issues, disproportionate advantage for well-funded candidates, and open access to office for any American able to raise millions of dollars,” Bennett said.

In a news release, lobbyists for Native American casinos announced their opposition and the creation of a $450 million Super PAC Fund. One-tenth of one percent of the funds would be spent to educate voters on the immorality of government-sponsored gambling. The rest is earmarked for recruiting at least 218 members of Congress to serve as spokespersons for the casinos’ position.

Related video: "What I Learned from America's Debt Crisis":