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Expanded Mother's Day

Expanded Mothers’ Day**

Thanks to the "super celebration" trend, numerous holidays have become pointlessly bigger, longer and more inclusive. This includes St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, Galileo’s Excommunication Day. In kind, Mother’s Day too has received the super-size treatment and applies to a greater and greater universe of “mothers.”

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But this expansion hasn’t been without a dark side. Remember your embarrassment when you forget your mom or wife on Mother’s Day? Now with the firm establishment of Expanded Mothers’ Day, the potential guilt has expanded more than ever before. To help the faithful, here are some of the new mother categories to celebrate and suggested gifts for each:

•    The mother-figure at your office – Acknowledge this person by acting like a teenager and spewing resentment at her/him.
•    Mother Goose – Spring for a child-care temp and Broadway tickets. She’s earned a weekend off. 
•    Mother Board – As with a plant, talk to your computer throughout the day to make it more healthy. Through cyber-photosynthesis, your computer’s mother board converts pointless blather into life-nourishing energy.
•    Bad Mother Wallet – Go to random diner, collect everyone’s wallets, and host a Quentin Tarantino-style grab bag.
•    Necessity, the Mother of Invention – Cash is always a good gift, especially since Necessity knows better than most that fear of poverty is the true mother of invention. 
•    Any bar named “Mother’s” – Rent the Rob Lowe-Demi Moore classic “About Last Night…”, that ode to '80s big hair and navel-gazing DINK-dom that, surprise, features a yuppie bar named “Mother’s.”
•    Mother Theresa – Donate to the beatified nun’s “Missionaries of Charity” or, if in a less giving mood, read Christopher Hitchens’ scurrilous rant against her called “The Missionary Position.”
•    Mother Nature – In her honor, install a trellis over your work desk and mulch daily.

** From the makers of Slutty Halloween and weeklong St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.

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