CHICAGO (July 2011) — According to reports, a mysterious injury has caused Chicago Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler to take himself out of his own wedding to reality TV star Kristin Cavallari.
Jay Cutler has been unavailable for comment since the news broke. This has left it to members of his wedding party to defend the scrambling, run-away groom. Cutler’s best friend Keith Stone immediately criticized Twitter critics for questioning his friend’s intestinal fortitude for big moments. Instead, Stone blamed a Grade II circulatory problem for his late-night buddy’s crippling cold feet.
In a five-word statement, Chicago Bears Lovie Smith lent unqualified support. He also preempted any speculation this might affect the team’s depth chart: “Jay Cutler is our quarterback.”
Cavallari’s camp acknowledged that Cutler was probably Cavallari's best chance to achieve the life of a NASCAR wife but without the exhaust fumes. They also expect her to rebound quickly, probably by dating Bears tightend and Cutler wingman Greg Olsen.
The announcement also jolted the Internet, immediately turning speculation about the D-List-Celebrity wedding from “Who again is Kristin Cavallari?” to “If even a rich, pretty girl can get jilted, then maybe I should accept that proposal from Drew Peterson.”