5-Second Film Reviews

2013 Roundup                                                                                                                 Follow SkitSketchJeff on Twitter
  • Survival technique: To blend in with zombies, WorldWarZ star Brad Pitt recommends just acting like he did in Meet Joe Black
  • Entertaining Argo winning Best Picture Oscar over ambitious Lincoln and Zero Dark Thirty is the Academy’s way of saying “Stop making rest of us look so bad”
  • Les Misérables: Call me a socialist, but I love this timeless tale of a failed people’s revolution that ends with the poor girl marrying an aristocrat’s son
2012 Roundup  
  • Wuthering Heights: Sometimes moors are less
  • Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 spoiler alert: Harry Potter doesn’t die.
  • Loved that Spielberg’s Lincoln had a more realistic vampire body count than previous interpretations.
  • After wrapping up Hurricane Sandy work, FEMA has promised to look into Disney’s purchase of the Star Wars franchise.
  • The Bourne Legacy: This franchise gets far deeper once you realize every Black Op fight is an allegory for the annual Sexiest Man Alive battle.
  • Dark Knight Rises: Call me old school, but I much prefer the 1995 original, First Knight with Richard Gere (when he was still the world’s sexiest hamster warren).
  • A pity Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer flopped at the box office. Guess we’ll never see its even less probable sequel, Mitt Romney: Robin Hood.
  • Seth McFarlane’s Ted is fun, irreverent stuff, but title is deceiving. It’s not a foul-mouthed movie about a discount airline. That one is probably a documentary.
  • Can someone tell me if I should go ASAP to see The Vow or wait for George Lucas to release a 3D version? 
  • Just watched the movie Anonymous on DVD. What are the odds Shakespeare plagiarized the line “To thine own self be true”?
  • Blown away by Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. No one handles anal rape scenes like the Swedes.
  • Does anyone have a good DVD suggestions? I'm in a rut since the drop-off in direct-to-video Wesley Snipes releases.
  • Inflight News: Airlines set to show Million Dollar Baby with following disclaimer: “This film has been changed from its original format. It now has a happy ending.”
2011 Roundup: 
  • Moneyball: Great non-sports sports movie with something in the cast for everyone. Brad Pitt for the ladies, and Jonah Hill for the buttmen.
  • Drive: It’s Ryan Gosling’s curse to be confused for Ryan Reynolds. He’s really Paul Newman with a sinus infection.
  • All the steroids in The Warrior has me worried aliens are using Earth as their personal McDonald’s cattle ranch.
  • The Tree Of Life: A rare masterpiece that is also a great first-date litmus test. You’ll know instantly if your date attended a state school or private university.
  • SharkNight: This yawner gave me ample time to wonder what’s holding up Miss Congeniality 3D?  Shatner’s method must really shine when shot stereoscopically.
  • Zombie Diaries 2: Finally a genre film that mines the blank-stare horror of freakish journaling. “DearDiary: Went on Atkins today. Feeling sluggish.”
  • Conan the Barbarian: Nice pecs. But much preferred the original when called Brokeback Mountain.
  • Motion Picture Association of America weighs adding new “RR” rating to alert moviegoers about films with Ryan Reynolds.
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Whoops. James Franco took lead role thinking he’d be surrounded by munchies, not monkeys.
  • Why do the macho men in Cowboys & Aliens wear brimmed hats at night? I guess the hat-hair teasing in the Old West was something awful. 
  • Captain America: The First Steroid User: What a ball... or not. For a couple tiny reasons, don't expect a “Son of” sequel anytime soon.
  • SPOILER ALERT: I saw the new Harry Potter movie. It’s the last one.
  • Am I the only one who found The King’s Speech more enjoyable with subtitles?