5-Second Film Reviews

    2013 Roundup                                                                                                                 Follow SkitSketchJeff on Twitter
    • Survival technique: To blend in with zombies, WorldWarZ star Brad Pitt recommends just acting like he did in Meet Joe Black
    • Entertaining Argo winning Best Picture Oscar over ambitious Lincoln and Zero Dark Thirty is the Academy’s way of saying “Stop making rest of us look so bad”
    • Les Misérables: Call me a socialist, but I love this timeless tale of a failed people’s revolution that ends with the poor girl marrying an aristocrat’s son
    2012 Roundup  
    • Wuthering Heights: Sometimes moors are less
    • Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 spoiler alert: Harry Potter doesn’t die.
    • Loved that Spielberg’s Lincoln had a more realistic vampire body count than previous interpretations.
    • After wrapping up Hurricane Sandy work, FEMA has promised to look into Disney’s purchase of the Star Wars franchise.
    • The Bourne Legacy: This franchise gets far deeper once you realize every Black Op fight is an allegory for the annual Sexiest Man Alive battle.
    • Dark Knight Rises: Call me old school, but I much prefer the 1995 original, First Knight with Richard Gere (when he was still the world’s sexiest hamster warren).
    • A pity Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer flopped at the box office. Guess we’ll never see its even less probable sequel, Mitt Romney: Robin Hood.
    • Seth McFarlane’s Ted is fun, irreverent stuff, but title is deceiving. It’s not a foul-mouthed movie about a discount airline. That one is probably a documentary.
    • Can someone tell me if I should go ASAP to see The Vow or wait for George Lucas to release a 3D version? 
    • Just watched the movie Anonymous on DVD. What are the odds Shakespeare plagiarized the line “To thine own self be true”?
    • Blown away by Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. No one handles anal rape scenes like the Swedes.
    • Does anyone have a good DVD suggestions? I'm in a rut since the drop-off in direct-to-video Wesley Snipes releases.
    • Inflight News: Airlines set to show Million Dollar Baby with following disclaimer: “This film has been changed from its original format. It now has a happy ending.”
    2011 Roundup: 
    • Moneyball: Great non-sports sports movie with something in the cast for everyone. Brad Pitt for the ladies, and Jonah Hill for the buttmen.
    • Drive: It’s Ryan Gosling’s curse to be confused for Ryan Reynolds. He’s really Paul Newman with a sinus infection.
    • All the steroids in The Warrior has me worried aliens are using Earth as their personal McDonald’s cattle ranch.
    • The Tree Of Life: A rare masterpiece that is also a great first-date litmus test. You’ll know instantly if your date attended a state school or private university.
    • SharkNight: This yawner gave me ample time to wonder what’s holding up Miss Congeniality 3D?  Shatner’s method must really shine when shot stereoscopically.
    • Zombie Diaries 2: Finally a genre film that mines the blank-stare horror of freakish journaling. “DearDiary: Went on Atkins today. Feeling sluggish.”
    • Conan the Barbarian: Nice pecs. But much preferred the original when called Brokeback Mountain.
    • Motion Picture Association of America weighs adding new “RR” rating to alert moviegoers about films with Ryan Reynolds.
    • Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Whoops. James Franco took lead role thinking he’d be surrounded by munchies, not monkeys.
    • Why do the macho men in Cowboys & Aliens wear brimmed hats at night? I guess the hat-hair teasing in the Old West was something awful. 
    • Captain America: The First Steroid User: What a ball... or not. For a couple tiny reasons, don't expect a “Son of” sequel anytime soon.
    • SPOILER ALERT: I saw the new Harry Potter movie. It’s the last one.
    • Am I the only one who found The King’s Speech more enjoyable with subtitles?