Randomness and Madness

by Me


As she sat there staring at her blank computer screen, she knew that she wasn't gonna do it.  After all, wasn't there some old saying about burning bridges from both ends or something.  In frustration she kicked the off button on the pc and headed back to the chair that had become her sanctuary from the world.  The chair, a blanket and the remote control...what more could a girl want?




Brandi called on her first thing in the morning.


"Oh God....it's too damn early for this", she thought but put on her classic albeit fake smile and plunged in.


"Hey Brandi.  How was your weekend?"


"Oh my God!  You won't believe what happened!!  John and I headed out to the beach house....I told you about the beach house right?  Anyway, we went to the beach house and we went windsurfing and sailing and...” on and on she droned. 


Can't she tell that I really could not care less about her mighty adventures? Of course not, since that would require moving the spotlight to someone else. Next thing I know Brandi is saying something about having to go. 


"Ok...see ya"


Good grief - why don't I just tell her to shut up?  Who invented manners anyway?  They should be shot.  Yup...they should be shot.



“Email, Email, Email….time to check the Email.”  A quick click to check out the moon phases.  “Oh geez!  It’s full moon time again.  I wonder who’s fighting who in the message lists.  Every month it’s the same thing….bicker, bicker, snipe, snap.  If the other 27 days weren’t so fun – I think I’d give up being social at all.  Just stick to my TV and give up the computer altogether.”


The email all checked and nothing on TV – she was now officially bored.  She just looked around and then considered reading a book but knew that she wouldn’t stay focused.  Although, she thought perhaps, an audio book and some mind numbing video games would pass the time.  And that’s what she did.



Day after day after day, the same things.  The same old routine.  She wondered if it would ever change.  She was certain there had to be more to life than all this.  She thought about those people around her that appeared happy.  Somehow she knew that most people were just like her.  Surviving one day just to get to the next one.  Even the busy people, seemed to be just filling up their schedules to avoid themselves and ….something. 


Weird thing it is. Something.  We know it’s there.  We run from it.  We hide from it. We do all that we can to avoid it. But do we ever find out what it is? 


Is Something the so called "meaning of life", "our purpose of being" or is it something else entirely?  Can it be that it's just the instinctive reaction to survive at all costs and nothing more?  If it's so important to our very being – then why is it so elusive?  We spend our lives searching for it but we never want to look too hard do we?  This Something seems to beckon us to its enlightened embrace.  We hesitantly and excitedly run to it through the darkness, all the while praying we never reach it.   But when we finally reach it - what then?  What then indeed...?



Another day, another dollar….and on it goes. 



Where is this life that everyone talks about?  What is living?  She keeps looking for it and striving for it but all she finds is existence.  There has to be something more, something better, something more fun.

Maybe someday.  Maybe someday.



She watched as her cat patrolled the house and finally settled down to watch out the window.  It never ceased to amaze her how smart the feline seemed to be and she wondered just what is it that cat’s think.  How do they know what they know? 


When the cat turned to her and blinked, she could just feel the utter contentment and love being generated by the furry creature.  A yawn, a stretch, a simple meow and she knew that it was feeding time and that she was witnessing another miracle of the animal.  How do they manage to communicate so clearly, and without words? 


Some people say that it’s all conditioning and response behavior but she knew better.  Communicating with an animal is so very much like communicating with a baby – but it is even more profound. 


How smart must these animals be?  They not only find ways of communicating with humans but they also appear to have the capacity to understand any language on the planet. 


And on top of all of that – how do they get us to feel so much love for them?  Why does your heart just want to burst when they purr?  Why do we laugh so hard when they play?


She thought of all of this and remained happily puzzled as the cat, now finished with her meal, came over for a pet on it’s way to bed.



She sat at her desk and stared at the clock.  Certainly it must be broken.  She could swear it refused to move just to spite her.  All she wanted to do was go home.  She wanted to go home, put on her comfy pajamas and do nothing.  


No more cleaning, no more painting, no more TV, no more washing, no more anything.  She is tired.  Not just tired but that absolute deep down into the marrow of the bone tired.  It seemed an absolute lifetime since she had slept a good hard reenergizing sleep of a child. 


Every movement of every day was a Herculean event.  It made no sense.  No sense at all.

And she wondered if it would ever stop. 



A brief look out the window and the first snowflakes of the season floated by.  Where had the summer gone?  And autumn had fallen away to quickly to even notice. 


As a child, a summer seemed forever and a year infinity – but as each year passes they speed by even faster.  She still held out hope that she could find the secret to slowing them down again.



She looked at the calendar and there they were – staring at her.  Thanksgiving and Christmas!!  Family time again.  What jolly fun it would be – all the shopping and wrapping and eating - she just loved the holidays every bit as much as she enjoyed going to the dentist.



She flipped through the news channels, the Discovery channels, the shopping channels.   What is it with all the fear??  GLOBAL WARMING!!  AVIAN FLU!!!  HURRICANES!!!   ONLY A FEW LEFT HURRY!!  They all just want to yell and scare – it’s absurd.  How did we get to be a civilization driven by fear?  Where did all the peace, love and happiness of the 60’s and 70’s get to? 


The real news stories are consistently buried beneath the inane scare stories.  “No time to tell you about the 2000 soldiers killed in Iraq…we need to tell you about the 15 billion that MAY be killed IF this bird bug mutates and you need to be afraid because we MAY not have a vaccine for it but first here’s the latest on Britney Spears”  


And then we’ve got our protectors at Homeland Security – they make me feel so safe…or not!!  We’ve got a stupid alert system that has been set one degree too high from its inception.  Every time the media even thinks about covering real political issues – they raise the bloody alert to divert focus …then we find out that Joe’s cousin’s brother’s fiancée’s 2nd cousins friend’s friend mentioned something to someone and it was intercepted via the cell phone and it sounded like it may have been a threat.


Friend:  Everything’s all set for the surprise at<static>

Friends Friend:  Great!  They’ll never figure out that <static> laden <static>

Friend:  Yeah man!  It’ll be so great seeing <static> blow.


Of  course….the actual conversation was about a surprise at Aunt Frieda’s house.  The piñata is full of candies and the best part is when Aunt Fried tries to blow out the candles with her false teeth all loose.   But hey – why not raise the alert and scare the public because after all Homeland Security has nothing better to do.  It’s not like they could make sure that they have workable evacuation plans for the major cities in case of an attack….because surely, we’d never be able to use them for anything else – like a frikkin’ hurricane or earthquake or something…and the odds that the terrorists are gonna get in are so minute, after all we have the National Guard protecting citizens at the state level right?  Oops….forgot, they’ve been sent to war in Iraq.   Our bad!



She looked up at the crisp blue sky,  as the plane flew by overhead and quietly wondered what all those people on board were thinking and then wished them well in their journeys and looked away.