Top Ten Lists

I have a thing for creating Top Ten lists.  They are all 100% original, except for the concept, which I stole from David Letterman.  Also, I don't always think that these are funny.  I start out with one item for a topic, and the rest sometimes just come to me, and are funny.  But sometimes I can't, and I am forced to use fillers in order to make it to 10.  You may also see something called the Top Ten Xtra, which the concept stemmed from me discovering the Letterman site's posting of the ones that didn't make it onto the air.  Enjoy!

One more thing--  I will occasionally use the name "Jim".  Just imagine "Jim" as someone that you find annoying, and wish would move, hopefully into deep space.  I do not know a "Jim", so these are not made to offend anyone. 


Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Limo

10. A mechanic is always in the back seat with you.
9.  The driver is wearing a North Korean uniform.
8.  The driver has a hat with a propeller on it.
7.  The wheels are all different sizes.
6.  The blood on the seat is still wet.
5.  The driver has a chart showing all the major arteries in a human body.
4.  The driver hands out helmets.
3.  The car only has 2 gears.
2.  The skylite isn't original.
 
And the #1 Sign you have a bad limo...
1.  The term "Yee-haww" is used more than 3 times a minute.

Top Ten Signs Your Congressman is Incompetent


10. Insistes on a mechanical bull instead of a chair.
9.  Bush endorses him.
8.  Thinks Fox News is unbiased.
7.  Thinks Limbaugh really is "on loan from God"
6.  "Enviromentalist- and he drives a Hummer
5.  Can't understand why he can't be Pope-- he's sure his rabbi would give him a ringing endorsement
4.  When not talking--hums a Backstreet Boys tune
3.  Announces his bribes on C-SPAN
2.  Gets out a jumprope during "reccess"

And the #1 sign you shouldn't have voted for him is...
1. Signs everything in red crayon

 

 

Top Ten things you don't want to hear in a resturant


10. That's not dead
9.  Just use spam
8.  My thumb! *splash*
7.  The grill-mark shapie won't work
6.  Did these eggs need to be refridgerated?
5.  Doug!  Don't drink the lysol!
4.  Where's my snake?
3.  Haven't you been tested YET?
2.  The flies are really distracting.

And the #1 thing you don't want to hear is...
1.  I'm bleeding!
Top Ten Xtra
>{sound of a chainsaw} Aaaiiiieeee!!!
>Which one is the cabbage?
>i can't make it to the restroom
>Dang!  so much for more kids...
>This isn't my urine sample
 

Top Ten Ways Bush is Trying to Improve His Approval Rating


10. Forget Osama... Let's take down Michael Jackson
9.  Lower terror alert to a calming pink
8.  Appeal to younger audiences by putting out a video game-- "Press meets, Florida voting machines, and    Supreme Court Justices, you be the president"
7.  Paint Air Force One neon green
6.  Air-Drop his favorite boardgame on hurricane-ravaged south--candyland!
5.  Skip where ever he goes
4.  Nominate Jesus to the Supreme Court
3.  Instead of a flag pin, wear a StarTrek Combage
2.  Play "Red Light, Green Light" during press conferences

And the #1 thing Bush is doing to become more popular is...
1. Make Cheney stand down 

 
Top Ten Signs you need to try harder


10. Your GPA is a fraction
9.   You don't have a GPA
8.   You skip every other word in your reports
7.   Bush did better than you
6.   Jim did better than you
5.   The linebackers outrun you-- and you are the halfback
4.   Christie Ally can run faster than you
3.   Condi is funnier than you
2.   You have to ask someone to change the channel-- and the remote is in you hand

And the #1 sign more effort is needed...
1.  Jim has better come-backs than you

 

Top Ten Xtra
>The US has less debt than you
>Trump has better hair than you

 

Top Ten Signs Oprah is drunk with power


10. Instead of cars, she gives T-79 main battle tanks
9.   Insists on a sniper team in her studio at all times
8.   Has declared her estate a sovergn nation, and has announced her intentions on persuing a nuclear weapons              program
7.   Has her own theme song
6.   Has mad numerous attempts to buy Canada
5.   Sings na na na na na na OPRAH! whenever she drives the Opramobile
4.   Only citizen to own a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier with a full load of F/A - 18 hornets, F-14 Tomcats, Sea             Stallions, AWACS, a Hercules fitted out for ASW, and 5000 crew members
3.   Has her own seal
2.   Her studio has a small arms room, right next to the barracks

And the #1 sign Oprah has too much power for her own good is...
1.   She has her own magazine

Top Ten Least Popular School Programs


10. mandatory HAZMAT suits
9.   Dodge-javelin
8.   Kidney Drive
7.   Computer labs BYOM (bring-your-own-monitor)
6.   Educational videos- Oprah and Maury reruns
5.   Removal of all trash cans and paper towel dispensers
4.   Mandatory iguana dress code
3.   Housing mob informants in the Home Ec rooms
2.   Waterfountains and urinals are only connected to each other

And the #1 least popular school program is...
1.   One lunch line regular, one what they found in your backpacks when you weren't looking

 

Top Ten Signs Walmart is losing money


10. Greeters don't just look dead-- they are
9.   Cafe is serving the greeters for .99 a pound
8.   The pet and food section has merged
7.   Now called almost-super Walmart
6.   Gas station now hand out siphons and directs you to a car lot
5.   Proudly offers $9.99 massages from the managers
4.   Sunday ads now written by hand on filler paper
3.   Pillows made in local Home Ec classes
2.   Bottled water is obtained by clecks with bottles from the trash, straws and the puddles outside of the store

And the #1 Sign Walmart is close to Chapter 11 is...
1.   They steal cable


Top Ten Things Going Through Osama's Mind Right Now


10. Letterman or Leno?
9.   Goat really IS the other white meat
8.   Do I really NEED rust-proofing on my new camal?
7.   That guy on LMTV is weird
6.   That guy from Haliburton sure was nice
5.   Should I buy Montana or Alaska?
4.   Should I shave it off?
3.   Suddam is lucky getting all of those Doritos- all I get from the Americans is shrapnel
2.  Should I start sending death messages in HDTV?

And the #1 Thing Going Through his mind right now is...
1.   Windows ME sucks!

 
Top Ten Signs Bush Just Doesn't Car Any More


10. Gave up reading lessons
9.   Killed his speech therepists
8.   Now hires a guy to do his fake hammering
7.   Made fake eyes out of halved ping-pong balls and wears them to cabinet meetings
6.   Weeps openly during Dr. Phil
5.   Chews tobacco during press conferences
4.   When he gets sad, chears himself up by calling in a fake security threat and watching the Secret Service guys panic
3.   White House Easter Eggs are filled with paper he found in the "football"
2.   Plays Monopoly with himself during CIA briefing

And the #1 sign he gave up is...
1.   Has stopped hiding his Jack Daniel's

 
Top Ten Signs You have a Bad Contractor


10.  Only speaks Romanian
9.    Toolboxes all filled with Oscar Meyer hotdog mobile whistles
8.   Work stops everyday for Oprah and cookies
7.   Two words--"dodge 2x4"
6.   They bring lawyers
5.   Insists on hammering with their foreheads
4.   Everytime a worker talks out of turn, the foreman shoots them
3.   Muffled giggles everytime someone says "screw"
2.   The "nail guns" looks suspiciously like AK-47s

And the #1 sign you have a bad contractor is...
1.   He says he needs to bang, but he's not holding a hammer

 
Top Ten Signs you may have to take the ITEDS again


10. Your dots form the outline of a kitty
9.   You're Jim
8.   You used a #4 pencil
7.   You didn't erase your bubble completley
6.   You realize halfway through you aren't holding a pencil
5.   In a cruel twist of fate, you get handed a SAT
4.   Cheney is behind you snickering at your answers
3.   You spend the entire test time trying to find the corner of your Oval Office
2.   Your idea of prepping involves a cat, a difibulator, and a recording of the Big Mac jingle

And the #1 Sign you may have to retest is...
1.   Jim "accidentally" looks off your paper

 
Top Ten Signs your Neighbor has Gone Crazy


10. There seems to be an overabundance of tin foil on his roof
9.   All of the squirrels in your neighborhood routinely form kicklines in the street, and have little wires sticking out of their ears
8.   Proudly declares himself "Willy Wonka", pours chocolate on himself, and asks people to like him
7.   His story about swimming upstream and eating big macs with General Patton seems full of holes
6.  Insists on giving the pizza boy his autograph

5.  Instead of raking leaves into other people’s yard, pays a local kid to rake them into his garage.

4.  Tells anyone who will listen that his car is fueled solely on chipmunks

3.  Seems to suddenly be interested in your life insurance policy.

2.  Proudly displays his “Bat Signal” everynight

 

And the #1 Sign your neighbor may need treatment is…

1.  He listens to Limbaugh