Best Guide to Understanding Men


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1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.  Do not ask
us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to
think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious
hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound
to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the
fantasy includes you AND her, together.