The Family
 

You got lost on the beach but someone found you and brought you back and I were disappointed. We built a kite, it got away, we bought a balloon and it popped, we got some chips, I dropped the lot and some teenage girls reported Uncle Ted. Granny sang karaoke in a bar, mum went off with a waiter, dad tore into the whisky, granddad went off to the nudist beach, so we followed 'im, but it were all fat old men and that were 'orrible, so we came back and found dad being sick on a policeman, "They're not my kids." 'Ee shouted when 'ee saw us, and we were 'ard to recognise under the candy-floss and muck what we 'ad got from the shore and we were sticky as well. Then mum fell out of a pick-up truck, gave dad a clout, granddad 'ad a go at the shooting game, 'ee shot dad in the rear, dad fell off the pier, the 'elicopter came to fish 'im out, granny ‘ad one of 'er turns and started to froth, you picked the pockets of strangers and then we went 'ome but we forgot Uncle Ted so we left 'im be'ind, and that were our day at the sea.

 

We got lost on the way back and went to Scotland. Oo, it were 'orrid in Scotland, cold and wet and you couldn't understand a word anyone said and they gave us a 'aggis and that were a terrible thing but dad said the whisky it were the best in the world and granddad agreed and granny said the men they didn't wear pants and mum said that were a good thing and Uncle Ted 'ee said the Scottish girls were pretty, at least that's what 'ee said 'ee said but 'ee were reported anyway and you stoled a boat and I got the blame and that were typical. I 'ad taken you for a walk while mum and dad fought about whether they should get Uncle Ted out of the prison and granny practiced a 'ighland fling, whatever that were, and granddad went into town to buy some bagpipes, whatever they were, and you and me went to the lake but what it were called a lock and we found a boat and you got in and accidentally it got untied so I got in as well and we sort of floated away. We found some oars but you wouldn't row 'cos you wanted to steer and I wouldn't row because I were older than you then we dropped an oar in the water and that floated away as well then we both rowed with our 'ands and went round in circles and fought, then you saw something in the water and I said it were the monster, 'cos mum 'ad said there weren't a real monster in the lock it were just a tourist thing like Stone'enge, but I reckoned there were a monster 'cos I 'ad seen a picture and wanted to frighten you anyway but it came closer and closer and then it came out of the water all dripping and terrible and it were granny, out for a swim.

 

We got the boat back just as granddad turned up with 'is bagpipes and he stood on the shore and he blew the bags up and they made a 'orrible wailing and on the far side of the lock we saw a blinking great monster  climb out of the water and gallop away, trying to get away from the sound, and mum turned up with a big 'airy man in a dress and she said it were true and looked 'appy, but we didn't know what she meant, dad said it were time to go 'ome, so we all went 'ome, but we forgot Uncle Ted so we left 'im be'ind and that's what we did on our 'oliday.