Sunday Family Humour 5th December

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors
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Kids Are Quick

Thanks to Alex

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America . 
MARIA:       Here it is. 
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ? 
CLASS:        Maria. 
____________________________________   
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:     K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today
 that we didn't have ten years ago.
 
WINNIE:     Me! 
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE:       I  is... 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:    All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________ 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
 
LOUIS:      Because George still had the axe in his hand...     
______________________________________   

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly,
do you say prayers before eating?
 
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.   
______________________________ 

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog'
is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
 
CLYDE  :      No, sir. It's the same dog.   
___________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:      A teacher


Different Ventriloquist

Thanks to Tony G.

Different Ventriloquist



Snow That Speaks

Thanks to Ray O'P.

Snow That Speaks



How Real Men Shoot Skeet
Thanks to Paul S.

How real men shoot skeet






A recording from customer care department.

Thanks to Peter D.

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department.


Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired;
however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization
for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.



(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'


Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'


Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor
and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'


Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'


Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power... a power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'


Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system
and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'


Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
 


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'Old Chrome'
Thanks to Ray O'P.
Anyone on this planet could only dream of owning any one of these cars.
A couple restored every one of these cars and still retain ownership to everyone.
They live on Vancouver Island.
This collection is without a doubt the absolute finest collection of fifties cars in the World.
I will endeavor through mere photographs
to display this incredible collection of beauty on this webpage.
 
old chrome 1
 
old chrome 2
 
1956 Ford Skyliner (Glasstop)
We restored this car in 1988 from an original car that came from the Indian reservation here on Vancouver Island.
It is full power with all options.
 
old chrome 3
 
1956 Meteor Crown Victoria
We restored this car in 1990 and drove it to Ocean Shores Washington for its first drive.
It is full power with all accessories except "air".
 
old chrome 4
1955 Meteor Convertible
This car is mostly original and it has taken me 28 years to buy it from the origional owner.
This car spent a good part of its life in Winnipeg.
There are probably only about 8 of these cars surviving out of the total production of 201 cars.
 We drove this car more last summer than any of our other cars.
I rebuilt all the mechanics and added all the accessories and options
and it has everything except "air".
There is an article on this car in FoMoCo Times
 
old chrome 5
 
1956 Meteor Convertible
Meteors used some Mercury colors in 1956.
This 56 Meteor is painted Grove Green and Saffron Yellow with a black lightning bolt and the production numbers are only 479.
It is full power with all accessories except "air". 
She has taken us to Rockin Red Deer in Alberta, Hot August Nights in Reno and many other
trips. Because of the colour, we call her  "Juicy Fruit" and many people have seen this car.
 
old chrome 6
 
1956 Mercury M-100 Pickup
We have driven this truck all over the place form Calif to Manitoba to Sturgis many times since
we bought it in 1978.
About 12 years ago I put an Aspen suspension, 302 and AOD in the truck to make it drive better 
It has never missed a beat. The next time I rebuild the truck I have a 5 L. for it.
 
old chrome 7
 
55 Merc Sun Valley.
I bought this car from an old ladies estate sale in 1983.
It was rust free but pretty banged up with only 26000 miles on it.
I added all the options and accessories and restored only as needed
keeping the car as origional as possible.
 
old chrome 8
56 Mercury Montclair Convertible.
This car is one of our favorites. 
I found what was left of it in the Spokane area and restored
and drove it to Hot August Nights in Reno in 1996.
It is London Grey and Persimmon with full power and all accessories.
 
old chrome 9
 
1955 Mercury Convertible
I tow barred this car from Southern Calif in 1989 behind my little Ford short box 302. 
The 55 was so ugly, not once did anyone give me the "thumbs up". 
It is now restored in Canadian colors, Sunset Coral
with matching Tapestry weave interior and Metric speedo,
full power and accessory steering wheel.
It has only 530 miles on it because we mostly drive the 56 Mercury convertible.
 
old chrome 10
1958 Pontiac Parisienne Convertible.
I built this car out of a super basket case.
I welded 6 months on this car alone.
It is a 348 tri-power, bucket seats and
with practically every factory and dealer option available in 1958. 
We drove this car to Hot August Nights in 2004.
 
old chrome 11
1966 Park Lane convertible.
 I bought this car at Don Wheaton's  in Edmonton when I was a kid working in the oilfields in 1968.
My wife and I honey mooned in this car in 1969
and then went overseas to work in the oilfield for 25 years.
I had the car in my barn in Manitoba until May 2005.
It is now at home on Vancouver Island
with 30,000 miles showing on the speedometer.
This is a Canadian built, bucket seat car in which only a handful were made.
 
old chrome 12
 
The 64 Park Lane convertible is a good old 78,000 mile car, with all good parts to restore it.
It is a full power, bucket seat car with super marauder engine and rare 15" wheels.
 I have cast iron headers and tri-power for it.

old chrome 13
 
1958 Mercury Convertible
I looked for one of these cars for about 10 years
and finally got this one from John Fowlie in Calif.
We restored it with a 430, full power with memory seat and everything and it is big.
I was able to find a lot of NOS parts for this car
probably because not many of these cars are being restored.
Mostly 57's.
 
old chrome 14
 
When I found the 59 Impala it was a rust bucket folded up on a 8 ft pallat.
The car had no interior or powertrain.  
It was originally a black Canadian built car.
I have installed a 1995 LT-1 fuel injected engine with 700R4 trans
but when finished this car will look like it was built this way from the factory(I hope) 
It is going to be the usual cruiser with fender-skirts,
full continental kit, spotlights and so on. 
It is presently 70% finished but will probably be finished for next spring.
 
old chrome 15
 
This 1959 Edsel Convertible
is the latest addition to the Mountaintop Collection.
Of course it goes without saying, this machine has full power options and has been meticulously restored under skilled hands.
Another beautiful contribution to an already stunning collection. Congrats Guys!

old chrome 16



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