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J) Cringemaking

Here, Professor Boxenburg of the Royal Society is asking me to explain some physics to him.

1977 leg-crossing championship, sponsored by 'K' shoes: we came second thanks to the girl
third from right, who crossed her legs in the wrong direction.

This led to me becoming Poet Laureate in 1982 - until they saw my use of 'hanger' for 'hangar' 
and the picture. One house point though!

Professor Heinz Wolfe liked my energy saving idea so much I got a pen and a badge.

Before Jon Snow got in on the act I had a promising career explaining the
finer points of military strategy to groups of visitors using scale models (and a
pewter candlestick) to do so.

Punishments at schools in the 1980s were harsh. Here you see my
brother (right) and myself immediately after being put on the rack for not polishing our shoes
properly. Prior to that we were very short and fat.

1975: Publicity shot as Head of ICI.

In 1976 I was summoned to 10 Downing Street as a special advisor, 
giving advice to the PM about tank-tops and flares: specifically how they
might be deployed to disrupt industrial action. It all turned out to be a prank - I should 
have recognised the 'Policeman' as none other than TV prankster, Jeremy Beadle.

My parents were very strict. This is me in 1975...

... In 1982 I was still there, ruing the day I put a milk bottle on the dinner table instead of using a jug.

 At Pevensey Castle I asked the guide from English Heritage whether:
 "...it would be fair to say that the castle had been started with Roman prowess, 
improved by Saxon know-how but only finished with the help of Norman Wisdom?

It went straight over his head, but I like to think the penny dropped when he got home.

In 1980 the whole class got a rollocking for some minor transgression and we were all forced to write
 five hundred words about the inside of a table-tennis (aka 'ping-pong', aka 'wiff-waff'). 
Needless to say, this was a PE / Geography teacher - the most sadistic type of teacher of them all.

I managed to throw in some casual racism and a very simple maths problem at the same time.