Every Pirate
Down in Net-ville
Liked torrents a lot ...

But Warner and Paramount,
Who stayed just north of Net-ville
Did NOT!

They hated torrents. The whole torrenting idea!
Please don't bother asking them why.
It could be their heads were stuck in biz-models not right.
It could be, perhaps, they hold their wallets too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that their ethics were two sizes, too small.

Whatever the reason, 
Their ethics or their wallets,
They stood there Christmas Eve, hating all of the pirates,
Staring down from their offices with sour, covetous frowns,
At the file-sharing packets flitting beneath in the towns.
For they knew every pirate in Net-ville below,
Was busy now, trading Philip Seymor Hoffman (in Pirate Radio).

"And they're hurting the artists!" they snarled with a faux sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then they growled, with gold-ringed fingers nervously drumming,
"We MUST find a way to keep the torrents from coming!"
For, tomorrow, they knew...

... All the pirate girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their torrents!
And then! Oh, the playing! Oh, the playing! Play! Play! Play!
That's one thing they hated! The PLAYING! PLAYING! PLAYING! PLAYING!

Then the pirates, young and old, would sit for a watch.
And they'd watch. And they'd watch!
They would start with Hurt Locker, or the occasional Schindler's List,
Which was something that really made the moguls become pissed!

And then,
They'd do something the moguls liked least of all!
Every pirate in net-ville, the tall and the small,
Would eye their ratio, as movie credits began rolling,
They'd connect peer-to-peer, and the pirates would start sharing!

They'd share! And they'd share!
And the more that the moguls thought of the Pirate-Christmas-Share
The more the moguls thought, "We're the ones who're supposed to be unfair!"
"Why, for fifty years we've robbed customers who put up with it till now!
We MUST stop torrents from coming!
... But HOW?"

Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
The moguls got a wonderful, awful idea!

"We know just what to do!" they laughed in their throats.
And they made a new non-profit association to tote.
And they chuckled and clucked, "What a great money-grubbing trick!"
"With the RIAA and MPAA, we've got a new schtick!

"All we need now are crafty, biased laws ..."
So the moguls looked around,
But since Internet laws were scarce, no torrenting laws could be found.
Did that stop the greedy moguls ... ?
"NO!" They simply said,
"If we can't find laws, we'll make our own instead!"
So they called their lobbyists and gathered piles of ill-gotten money,
for they knew about politicians, this was like honey!

They gathered some lawyers and whores in tight-fitting blouses
And then flew them all to the corrupt government houses.

Then the lawyers said, "Copyright!"
As the jet planes started down,
Toward the places where pirates lay a-snooze in their towns.

All their ports were darkened, MPAA lawyers readied to foreswear,
All the pirates were dreaming sweet pirate dreams without care.
"This is stop number one," the moguls all hissed,
Then waddled to ISPs, threats for grandma in their fists.

Then they ignored privacy laws, a bit risque,
But if Uncle Sam can do it, so could the R-I-A-A!
They got stuck only once, for a moment or two,
Then thrust their heads out of the router flue,
Where little song files all hung in a row,
"These MP3s," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"

There they slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole of the Internet, suponea's they made present!
Liars! And Thieves! Digital Thugs!
"Pay up now!," they said rather smug.
And the MPAA crammed extortion money into bags. 
Then, ever so nimbly,
Always forgeting the artists, they zoomed back to Disney!

Next slunk out the CRIA, aiming for Demonoid!
Sweden screwed the Pirate Bay, (and don't forget Carl Lundstrom!)
They payed off politicans and judges, quick as a flash,
Why, Media Defender even hired hackers to carry out their boulderdash!

Then they brow-beat and sued file-traders with glee,
"And NEXT!" grinned the moguls, "We'll make crooked deals with ISPs!"

As the moguls threatened, sued and shoved,
They heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
They turned around fast and saw a small pirate,
Little Brianna LaHara, so young she hadn't even a wallet!

The moguls had targeted this little pirate daughter,
Now in tears, the poor girl was nearly a-nutter.
She turned to the moguls saying, "Me, why?"
"I'm scared and my stomach is turning! I think I may cry!"

But, you know, those moguls are smart and oh so slick,
They thought up lies, and they thought them up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the RIAA harassed,
"We're just protecting the poor, defenseless artist!"
"You downloaded on Kaaza, you know that is wrong!"
"Now you owe us $150,000 per song!"

Their threats cowed the child, and they patted her head,
Then took her money and sent her back to bed.
Done now with Brianna they looked who next to badger,
Of course, how sly, a college student rest near! Infringer! 

The next thing they took was the right to log in,
"If they won't stop after this, expand the prison!"

It was quarter past dawn ...
All the pirates, still a-bed,
All the pirates, still a-snooze,
When the moguls packed their planes,
Packed it with pirate hubs and portals, pirate blogs and their trackers!

Up they flew,
"Pooh-pooh to the pirates!" the moguls were humming.
"They're finding out now that no torrents are coming!"
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two."
"Then the pirates down in net-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

Grinned the evil moguls, "That's a noise for them to all to share,"
"That's a noise we simply must hear!"
So they paused, and put hands to their ears.
And they did hear a sound rising over Net-ville.
It started in low, and it gave them a cruel chill.

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

They stared down at net-ville!
The moguls popped their eyes!
Then they shook!
What they saw was a shocking surprise!

Every pirate down in net-ville, the tall and the small,
was sharing! Without any old trackers at all!
They HADN'T stopped torrents from coming!
They CAME!
Somehow or other, torrents came just the same!

And the moguls, with their greedy feet on Wall Street,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be?"
It came without trackers! It came without portals!

And they puzzled long hours, till their puzzler was sore.
Then the moguls thought of something they hadn't before!
"Maybe the Internet," they thought, "is better than our stores?"
"Maybe ... perhaps ... this digital revolution isn't folklore?"

And what happened then ... ?
Well...in net-ville some say
That the moguls' feeble ethics
grew into something respectable that day!
And the minute their ethics didn't feel quite so dreadful,
Oh, who are we kidding. The greedy fucks will never change.