A Cry for Help: Sega Visions Magazine Announces the 32X - Part Three

Jake Spencer
08 March 2012


 These Might Come In Handy



I know. I know!

You guys, this is the kind of mondo-'90s nonesuch most snarky Web editors only dream of finding, and I want to make fun of it, but...look, you don't keep 18-year-old video game magazines around your house if you don't have at least a little nostalgia for this style. If these stupid pages wrote a personal ad, I would answer.

In the clammy grasp of each surrealist abomination is a functional, desirable, boring-boring-boring Game Gear accessory: an AC adapter, a link cable, a carrying case. Good stuff, but...yaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

And that's why I look back fondly upon these stranger days, when otherwise dull bric-à-brac could grab your attention with the aid of bizarre graphic design.

Congratulations, freaky finger-head clone monsters. I would award you two thumbs up if I weren't afraid that the gesture might come across as insensitive. I still have so much to learn about your culture.

 Oi! It'll Surproise Ya!



Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Miss those handy-men already, don'tcha?

...

I don't have anything else to say about this except,
  1. "Ultimate Power Play" does not mean anything. The phrase does not require capital letters.
  2. Maybe instead of putting manufacturing and development resources toward nonsense like PowerBack, CDX, and 32X, Sega should have made an attempt to salvage its flagging portable by designing an updated Game Gear with more than fifteen minutes of battery life.
  3. This looks a lot like the Circle Pad Pro, right?
I was hoping I could find a Circle Pad Pro ad for the sake of comparison, but it appears that there aren't any advertisements for it.

What's worse than a market split by multiple controllers? A market split by a secret second controller.

(Number three on this list is not at all relevant, but I could only think of two things to say about about the PowerBack, which made for an awfully anemic list. You try looking at this page for more than a minute without losing all interest.)

 Kick, Punch, It's All In the Mind


There may not have been much to say about an unwieldy battery pack, but the Kinect of the early-90s? That's a peripheral that deserves an article of its very own.

Oh, Activator, you'll get yours.

(In the meantime, please enjoy this video of Siskel and Ebert embarrassing themselves.)

Critic Twin Powers - Activate!


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