check your shirts

posted Oct 30, 2014, 5:58 PM by Jeremiah Howe

It’s not very often that you see adults wearing shirts with slogans on them. You know the shirts;

“I woke up this morning with one nerve left, AND YOU’RE GETTING ON IT!”

“Nerds Need Love Too.”

“My Favorite Beer is the Next One.”

It’s not often, but from time to time you see them.

The most frequent offenders, however, seem to be children. That being said, since I’ve never seen a child pick out their own wardrobe, I have to assume that the parents are choosing these shirts and they seem to fall into two categories. The slogans are either fair warning of the child you’re about to deal with or an idea that the parent is embedding deep in an otherwise well adjusted child probably ruining them for the rest of their lives.

The first example is easy; you’ve met this kid. It’s normally a redheaded kid- I hate to stereotype, but why does it always seem to be redheads who are troublemakers. Maybe it’s unfair- I blame the movie “Problem Child”. Aw, man- remember John Ritter? He’s dead now- that sucks.

It’s normally some redheaded little boy with so many freckles that his face looks stupid and scarred will be wearing a shirt that says something like-

“I have an attitude problem and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Either that or the softer, but classic,

“Sisters are the worst.”

Usually, intentionally misspelled- imagine,

“Sisterz R da  WERST!”


This child doesn’t need his awful behavior reinforced. What he needs is a parent encourages positive behaviors and if they insist on expressing it in shirt form, I suggest-

“I hope my sister grows up to be a mathematician or a scientist because there aren’t enough women in these fields. However, whatever she chooses, I hope she is happy and fulfilled as a human.”

If there is truly no good will between the boy and his sister, maybe embed an attitude, which reflects life and his honest future.

“Someday, when my parents die, all I will have left is my sister.”

Sometimes these boys have no ill will toward their sister and it truly is an attitude problem. I suggest a shirt which reads-

“I insist on being angry at a world which coddles me and parents who love me. Please hug me.”


“I’ve never suffered a day in my short, plentiful life yet I can’t find it in me to be considerate to others. Please steal my iPhone 5 and beat me up.”


Now, the second category of shirt lies entirely on the parent’s shoulders. There are perfectly well adjusted kids who have parents who, because they still ate paste in high school, (sometimes they’re still in high school) insist on projecting their desired persona onto their child by putting them in shirts that have nothing to do with the child or their interests. You’ve seen these children.

The unkempt, greasy child in the stained “Adorable” shirt. 

The nerdy, frail child in the “Gold’s Gym” tank top.

The wiry, five-year-old in a “Che Guerra” shirt.

and my least favorite-

The beautiful, print-ad ready child in the “PINK” shirt.


Parents do a lot of damaging the little people they bring into this world. If you’d like to know the worst thing about five year olds, it’s their parents. Why would you cram all of your shortcomings into a person who doesn’t even know who they are yet? If you insist on clothing yoru children in slogan shirts, do it early. Get your 3 month old that “Shit Machine” shirt. Clothe your toddler in that “If you can read this, that means I’m walking.” shirt. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with having a little humor in raising children- let me know if you find a shirt that reads

“Bundle of Joy.

If by Joy you mean shit and tears.”

Until then, let your children be children, unfettered by boxes and poorly thought out slogans. They’ll have plenty of time in college for all that.

“Beer Pong Champion”        “Boob Inspector”       “I left my Porche at home”

“Green is Sexy”                      “How are the Melons?”         “I hit like a GIRL!”



posted Sep 11, 2014, 7:19 AM by Jeremiah Howe

Noisy Old School Jewish Deli: “Next” and “Order Up” staccato the background.

she said what?

nothing really.


yes, nothing.

you say nothing, you mean something.

you treat every minor inconvenience like a game of thrones subplot.

I am a passionate person.

passion- if you have passion, then Lewis Black is a kitty cat.

you're avoiding me- what did she say?

nothing... really.


not really…

well then what did she say?

She said nothing.

Nothing means something. 

It means nothing.

So you didn’t fight?

No, but she didn’t make sense.

people don’t make sense when they’re angry.

No, I was thinking lox on everything


maybe poppyseed.

what’s that got to do with anything?

You asked me.

No, I said, the-


Lox on poppyseed-everything.


Whitefish on Pumpernickel with a Perrier.

            (we’re out of pumpernickel.)

Whitefish on Egg?

            (we’re out of whitefish.)

Egg Bagel with lox.

            (he got the last of the lox)

I’ll have a Perrier.

            (get it from the cooler.-NEXT)

thank you- no, I mean it. thank you so much.

They’re outside eating it’s quieter.


You’re not eating?

I forgot.

You forgot to order food?

I forgot how much I hate this place.

This place is a classic.

They’re always out of everything. 

They had lox.

They had the one lox and you got it.

I got the last lox- whitefish?


This place is an abomination.


posted May 28, 2013, 7:20 PM by Jeremiah Howe   [ updated May 28, 2013, 7:22 PM ]

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