The bartender finally said that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stood up to leave but fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
I've Lost Me Luggage
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
Water to Wine
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
Lost at Sea
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"