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Top 20 Muppets with Facial Hair

posted Aug 8, 2010, 6:44 PM by Great American Fierce Beard Club   [ updated Dec 12, 2011, 7:01 PM ]
A few weeks back, GAFBO caught wind of a Sesame Street “Word of the Day” sketch where the word was ‘moustache.’  This got us thinking.  In the wonderful world of the Muppets which includes, but is not limited to, The Muppet Show (and movies), Sesame Street, and Fraggle Rock; who rocks the greatest facial hair?

GAFBO set out to find out.  We worked tirelessly writing our Grant Proposal, making sure to leave out no odds and ends in our search for funding.  We contacted Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker, devising a complicated formula to rank the Muppets using an algorithm that includes style of facial hair, amount of facial hair, number of sketches involved in, and general hilarity cross multiplied by the square root of the number of chickens that appear in the episode and then divided by a ratio created by the number of episodes before and after the Muppets first appearance and a "Pigs in Space" sketch.  There was more to it, but it gets a little complicated after that, and we'll save you the scientific mumbo jumbo. 

Luckily, our research was made possible by a grant through the
National Endowment for the Arts, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and viewers readers like you.

Without further ado, we present to you the top 20 Muppets with Facial Hair (and some honorable mentions).

20) Seven Foot Tall Talking Carrot

The Seven Foot Tall Talking carrot appeared in only one sketch, thus hurting it's ranking, but it was implanted on GAFBO's impressionable minds at an early age while watching a special on Gilda Radner.  The Seven Foot Tall Talking Carrot sports a dandy Clark Gable-esque moustache, topping it off with an armless, yet oddly trousered, tuxedo.  The Seven Foot Tall Talking Carrot sang "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General," from Gilbert and Sullivan's comic opera The Pirates of Penzance, with Gilda Radner due to mistake by Kermit the Frog, as Gilda had actually requested a Seven Foot Tall Talking Parrot.  It clearly goes down as one of the most fortunate mistakes in mankind's history.

Honorable mention to Gilbert and Sullivan

Gilbert and Sullivan appeared on the Muppet Show on occasion, with Gilbert opting for a well styled moustache along with curly sideburns.  Sullivan has a more natural look going with his moustache and sideburns, and appears to keep them well trimmed, despite initial impressions otherwise.

19) J.P. Grosse
There are certain rules for survival in the business world.  You don't mess with a man who wears a three piece suit and smokes cigars while working.  You don't mess with a man who goes by his initials instead of his name.  And you don't mess with a man with a moustache.  J.P. Grosse fits the bill for all three rules.  A no-nonsense theater owner, J.P. used his intimidating 'stache to make sure things were running smoothly.  And just like any good business owner, he knows when to delegate, leaving most of the day-to-day decision making to his nephew Scooter.

18) Flange Doozer
Flange Doozer is one of the Bulldoozers from Fraggle Rock.  His moustache, aside from being a perfect compliment to his blue collar essence, presented itself fully when he was the first doozer to make real contact with the Fraggles, and also with the Gorgs.  Flange's moustache presents a no-nonsense workmanlike ability while also able to convey the ability to sit back and tie one on with the boys.  However, you don't want to get Flange stirred up by way of a beard and moustache competition, he's likely to lose his temper and toss his helmet at you.

Honorable mention to Crosscut Doozer

Crosscut Doozer clearly has style, as well as experience.  The grey in his moustache tells the lady doozers that he knows how to handle his Radish Sticks, but isn't one to be overly romantic.  Lady doozers know that they are getting a no-nonsense doozer who is going to go about things with military like precision.

17) Lips
Lips may appear to be a blonde version of Alexi Lalas during the 1994 World Cup, but don't let that fool you. This Muppet rocks the long hair, and out of control goatee of a wanna-be hippie, but he is the closest thing that you can get to having Satchmo in your living room.  Lips doesn't speak much, mostly because he lets his trumpet and his goatee do all the talking for him, which generally says "Sit back. Relax. And let me move your soul."

16)  Uncle Deadly
Uncle Deadly, aka The Phantom of The Muppet Show, sports an impressive beard that runs the length of his jawline.  Uncle Deadly, a tremendous actor in his day, has been rumored to have played Othello before he was his critics.  It is no surprise that he made his debut on the Muppet Show alongside the wonderful moustachioed Vincent Price.  In addition to his acting chops, Uncle Deadly appears to draw strength from his beard, giving him the ability to be a wonderful singer and share his talents on the stage with Broadway legend Ethel Merman.  Be on the lookout for Uncle Deadly, as he will grace us with his presence in The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time.

15)  Sinister Sam and Doc Holiday

Names and appearances can be deceiving.  When Sinister Sam and his wooly beard roll into town, people scattered in fear, or perhaps awe at the sheer massiveness and unbelievable power of the full natural beard.  Sinister Sam starts questioning the towns people about Doc Holiday and his untamed moustache's whereabouts, stating that he's got "an itchy trigger finger."  Turns out that he really does have an itchy trigger finger and wants Doc Holiday to give him some ointment to help it stop itching.  GAFBO believes that the itchiness was probably caused by the fact that people didn't bathe regularly in the Old West, especially if they were muppets.  Also, what's going on with muppet Doc Holiday's moustache?  According to GAFBO's favorite documentary, Tombstone, everyone in the Old West had a spectacularly sculptured moustache.  Perhaps he started caring more about his appearance after contracting tuberculosis?

Honorable Mention to Bad Bart

Bad Bart frequently scares the town with his demands, such as demanding to know where Marshal Earp is in order to deliver a surprise (a cake), or telling the bartender that he's "gonna give him something he deserves" (payment for a drink the previous week), yet he turns out to be harmless.  It seems that what is hiding under that moustache is actually a heart of gold.

14) Zeke
It's hard to tell where Zeke's hair ends and Zeke's beard begins, but that's the way Zeke wants it.  As banjo player for Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers, Zeke stood out from the crowd by playing an incredibly distinctive style of banjo music, as well as having some supreme facial hair.  His beard and skills were so highly touted that he was recruited to join Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (a heavily bearded band) as their marimba player. 

13)  Mr. Johnson
Mr. Johnson lacks significant amount of hair in the on the top of the head category, yet makes up for it with an impressive moustache.  It clearly has length enough to accidentally dip into his soup, if Grover could get his order right that is.  Mr. Johnson repeatedly receives poor service, no matter where he eats.  GAFBO thinks that if he was to put a little work into the moustache, trim it up and comb it once in a while, Mr. Johnson might gain some confidence and demand better service. 

12)  Clifford
Clifford is one of the coolest cats around.  As the bass player for the band Solid Foam, Clifford knows that he provides the backbone for their music.  And it takes a lot of backbone to pull off his bizarre facial hair.  The goatee, combined with catfish like whiskers truly takes a man's man to pull off.  And Clifford is a man's man.  Or a man's muppet.  Or a muppet's muppet.  We're not really sure, but we dig his style.

11)  Uncle Traveling Matt
Uncle Traveling Matt is the uncle you always wanted.  Not only did he share with you stories of his adventures traveling all over the world, but he clearly is an inspiration to facial hair enthusiasts.  Notice his unique style, never before seen done in the same manner.  Many a man has sported massive mutton chops, a thick moustache, or both; yet nobody is as brave as Uncle Traveling Matt who sports massive mutton chops, and only half of a moustache.  And the half of the moustache is itself divided in half, attaching to the chops.  Inspired work, and perhaps the inspiration for two-time defending World Beard and Moustache Champion - Sideburn/Muttonchops category - Toot Joslin?

10) Sweetums
Sweetums is proof positive that women love facial hair.  One look at his massive beard, and the ladies can't help but to crowd around him.  He may look tough and threatening, but he has a tender heart.  It doesn't hurt that Sweetums is an accomplished singer as well.

 9)  Mahna Mahna
Mahna Mahna is the ultimate beatnik.  Rocking dark sunglasses along with an untamed ear to ear, jawline tracing, beard; Mahna Mahna is known the world over for his scatting abilities.  The ultimate hep cat, Mahna Mahna knows that his facial hair does all the talking for him.  There's no need to complicate things with lengthy dialogue.  You either get it, or you don't.  And Mahna Mahna....GAFBO gets it.  Skit-skat-skittle-diddly-o-boppa-dee-diddle-kiddle-eee-dee....

 8) Lew Zealand
Everyones favorite boomerang-fish throwing character sports one of the zanier moustaches.  It appears to be made out of two smaller moustaches placed next to one another.  But just as Lew Zealand livens up any party (when asked how he gets the fish to boomerang so well he replies "Well, you gotta have sole. And if you can't get sole, use halibut"), his moustache livens up his face, and our lives.
  7) Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth, lead singer and keyboardist for The Electric Mayhem, rocks an impressive orange beard that very few are able to pull off, aside from leprechauns perhaps.  Dr. Teeth, based on the famous musician Dr. John, uses his beard to highlight his eclectic style which includes a gold tooth, scarf, vest, top hat, and many rings.  His beard tells us that his is musically brilliant, but perhaps a bit unstable.  He does allow Animal in the band, for example.

 6) Pa Gorg
King Arthur.....Henry VIII.....Charles the First......All great kings, all with great beards.  As King of the Universe, even if it is self-proclaimed, one needs a noble beard to go with your crown, and there is no more noble a beard in the Muppet universe than the one of Pa Gorg.  Nor is their a more honorable King of the Universe.  Pa Gorg doesn't need to shake hands or sign contracts, as his word is as good as his beard, which is magnificent.

 5) Waldorf
Waldorf, on the left with the moustache, is one half of the impressively curmudgeon duo of Waldorf and Statler.  His wide face is accentuated with an impressively wide white moustache.  The moustache screams experience in the heckling department.  You look at it, and you know that he's a pro, and you'll never get in the last word.  If Waldorf was reading this right now, he'd probably say "This article is good for what ails me." "Oh yeah, what ails you Waldorf?"  "Insomnia."

 4) Count von Count
The count clearly puts the most effort into his facial hair, well more than any of the other Muppets.  It is perfectly sculpted into a triangle, most likely made up of three equal 60 degree angles (One 60 degree angle, ha ha ha...two 60 degree angles, ha ha ha...three 60 degree angles, ha ha ha...).  As he is most likely a vampire, he's probably had so much time on his hands that he doesn't even need to use styling products, and instead has just willed his goatee into the shape that it is, using only the power of the mind.  Normally, GAFBO doesn't support the soul patch, but this one probably actually contains the souls of other Muppets before the Count became a reformed vampire and decided to teach kids about the power of numbers.

 3) Animal
"You don't mess with Animal.  He eats glass, man." - Frank Oz
Truthfully, you should probably avoid anyone who has such a fierce beard that it cannot be tamed in anyway whatsoever.  The Animal is clearly a wild child and, both on the drums for The Electric Mayhem and in the facial hair category, it suits him well.  His brash style and gnarly beard definitely give off a "I don't care what you think" vibe.  GAFBO believes that if Animal could ever get control of himself, he would have what it takes to be a World Beard and Moustache Champion.  But that's a big if.

 2) Floyd Pepper
What is it about musicians that inspire such awesome facial hair?  Floyd Pepper is the bassist for The Electric Mayhem, and he rocks a killer partial beard.  It may seem wild and unmaintained, but GAFBO buddy Erik Harvey Brown can testify to the fact that it takes more care than you would think to keep up that look.  In fact, now that GAFBO examines it more closely, we wonder if Floyd and Erik were separated at birth.

 1) Swedish Chef
Gordon Ramsay, Rachel Ray, Wolfgang Puck, Julia Childs, and Emeril Lagasse, may be some of the most respected chefs out there today (or yesterday in the case of Julia Childs), but they all had to learn their craft from someone, and there was only one chef with the skill necessary to teach them about the magic of food.  The Swedish Chef.  His restaurant is where chefs, who work at restaurants that get 3 stars in the Michelin guide, go to eat.  His unique style makes for one-of-a-kind dishes that even the best don't dare to re-create.  So impressive is his skills, that if you found a moustache hair in your dish, you would thank him for adding it.

Missing the cut:
Louie (Elmo's dad)Uncle Yuska, The Royal Lackey, Thor, Daddy Dodo, Luis Greco, and Jeff Bawskworty (immediately disqualified from consideration for relationship to Jeff Foxworthy)

Most in need of facial hair:
Zoot (looks a lot like Stephen Wright without it)