Two Minute Comedy14

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too" 

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre 

Central D’ Saster 3
“A Two Minute Comedy”


CAST:
Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

A bustling atmosphere with a large conference table front and center.  Seven people sit around it scribbling notes and keying laptops.  The company name and motto is emblazoned across the wall: “When People Look Bad - We‘ve Done Good!”  Bucky paces irritably.

Bucky: It’s NOT a disaster and THAT is the problem people!!  We’re getting pathetic reactions!  We’ve got people wrap our headlines in fish before they read em!  We’ve got parents using our newscasts to put infants to sleep!  Last count there were over fifteen hundred disaster parodies on You Tube!  Middleman’s doing jokes about the Decline and Fall of the Roma tomato!!  People - people are having FUN with us!  FUN is NOT our goal!!  FUN is the enemy!!  I want misery, mayhem, myopia, misanthropy…

Buffy: Manic depression?

Bucky: Sure!

Benny: (scribbling) “Scuse me boss, who wrote “Miss Anthropy” again?

Bucky: Dammit!!  We’re sinking millions into this business and our ratings keep going south!  If I don’t see some serious B-A-D news soon - you all can start rewriting your resumes!! 

Bobby: (sotto voce) Start??

Bucky: Now look, we’ve cut our program time by thirty percent giving us news, weather and commentary segments in fifty percent of the hour.  We’ve increased headline size to a mandatory three hundred point Extra!!  We’ve cut Brad and Angelina back by fifty percent and put Bush on page thirty!  Now I need stories people!  Sad, depressing, unhappy stories that make people look BAD!!

Baker: Bush was a surefire sell boss.  Could we move him up again?

Bucky: Dammit, If I could I would but I can’t.  Do not ask why!!  If I told you, you would cry.  Alright, whose going first??  Baker, what do you got??

Baker: Sounds crazy but I’m on the decline and fall of the whore network in Metropolis.  Whores used to clique together on jobs, bail, pimp daddies, stuff like that.

Bucky: And now?

Baker: Splintering.  Turf wars.  Rival recruiting practices.  Last week Pimp Daddy Pogo promised boob and bum jobs on three year contracts.  It’s tearing the thing apart.

Bucky: (doubtful) Dunno Baker.  Whores are good but surgery hasn’t sold in years.  Keep digging!  Buffy, what do you got??

Buffy: Boss I’m on the Paris Hilton think piece.

Bucky: Yeah?  What’s to think?

Buffy: Celebrity jailbirds, premature release, rich vs. poor.   It’s the decline and fall of the human species boss.  I’ve got a consensus of prominent professors to profess about it. 

Bucky: Jesus Buff, I’m standin’ here asleep!  The only thing I want to see from Paris is a tear streaked face looking up from the gutter!!  We don’t write about people getting outta jail dammit!  We write about ‘em goin’ in!!  Bill, gimme some BAD to make me feel good!

Bill: The decline and fall of immigrant meteorology.  Hundreds of storms and out of control weather systems are sneaking across the borders of western civilization.  We’ve got Tibetan cyclones, the Malawi monsoons, the Alberta floods…

Bucky: (barking) Wait a minute!  The Alberta floods??

Bill: Yes.

Bucky: What’s that?

Bill: (worried) There’s catastrophic flooding, high winds, rain storms,  in  Alberta…

Bucky: Canada?

Bill: Yeah, Canada.

Bucky: (struggling for calm) Bill, I know you’ve been through a lot in life.  I admire your battle to beat the bottle.  But this sounds like you’ve reclined and fallen from a bar stool!  No one cares about floods in Canada Bill.  We live on a planet with six point five billion people!  One half of one tenth of one percent live in Canada!  No one… I mean NO ONE, cares about what happens to Hosiers getting hosed in Alberta!!  (slams table) Kill it Bill!  Kill the story before it kills Bill!! 

Bill: (quiet) Yes sir.

Bobby: Actually it’s one half of one percent, but I hate math so…

Bucky: (exasperated) Broderick, tell me something terrible.  Tell me you got something makes people look despicable?  I’m beggin’ you here… I’m beggin‘!

Broderick:  Well Buck, I don’t.  I got nothing.  A cold trail.  A blank page.  An empty chamber.  A dead end. 

Bucky: (hopeful) Dead end sounds good.

Broderick: Not this one.  It’s a bum steer Buck.  The decline and fall gambit ain’t gonna fly these days.  The kids are too hip.  Too hooked up.  Too many openings for clear air.  I’d say we gotto take a whole new approach. 

Bucky: (depressed) Yeah?  What’s that?

Broderick:  Dunno.  Something completely different.  Something shocking, fresh, outta the box…

Bucky: What the hell would that be Broderick?

Broderick: (pause) Well, how ‘bout the truth for a change?

Pause.  All heads swivel to look at Bucky.  He stands frozen, eyes wide.

Broderick:  It’s your move, Buck.


THE END

 

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