Two Minute Comedy13

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too" 

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre 

“Search Me”
A Two Minute Comedy

Phil and Maggie - a couple in their late 20s
John and Lisa - newly dating, 20s

Interior Phil’s contemporary, cool apartment.  He and Maggie are busy setting the dinner table when the doorbell rings.

Phil: Are we all set?

Maggie: I think so.  I’ll check on the veggies, you get the door.

Phil: Oh, Maggie… Let’s try to go easy on them.   This is all new to John and he might find it a little difficult.

Doorbell rings again.

Maggie: I know, I know, answer the door before he gets suspicious.

Phil opens the door.  John and Lisa wine and pastry in hand, smile happily.

John: We found it after all.

Phil: Did you have trouble?

Lisa: Only at the checkpoint on Fifth.  They were going to cite us for a dirty windshield, until I intervened.

John: She’s very good you know.

Phil: She must be. A dirty windshield is hard to beat.

Nobody moves.

Maggie: (offstage) Hi guys, I’ll be right out…

Phil: (pause) That’s Maggie… She’s in the kitchen.

There is an awkward pause.

John: Well, should we stand here all night or go home now?

Phil: (apologetic) Oh, right, sorry, I was just… Yes, please step this way.

Phil ushers John and Lisa inside but stops them past the transom.

Phil: Oh, hey, would you mind standing here for a moment.

John: What?  Here?

Phil: Yes.  Just wait a moment okay?

John: (frowns) What’s up Phil?

Phil produces a metal detector wand which starts beeping.

Phil: Okay guys if you’d just raise your arms and spread your legs as indicated on the floor diagram…

They are standing on a floor mat with foot outlines

John: What the hell?  You got to be kidding Phil.

Phil: Not kidding John.  Have to be careful these days.  Arms up please…

John and Lisa stare at each other, raise their arms.  Maggie enters wearing her apron, latex gloves, carrying a plastic tray.

Phil: Please remove any metal items from your pockets.  If you’re wearing a belt buckle, please remove your belt and set it in the tray that Maggie is holding…

Maggie: (brightly) Hi guys.  We’ll make sure you get everything back right after dinner.  (to Lisa) You must be Lisa.  John has told us so much about you. 

Lisa: (confused) Hi.  Do you… Do you want my watch?

Maggie: I don’t know, is it a Rolex?  Ha, just kidding. 

Phil: If it’s metal we need you to remove it.

John: (irritated) Phil, what’s going on here?  Why search us?

Phil: Look Maggie, they brought us something…

Phil takes the package John is holding, looks inside suspiciously.

John: It’s a bottle of Stag’s Leap Cabernet, Phil.  What do you think it is?

Phil: We’ll know for sure by the end of dinner John.  We’re using the WestTek Home Mass Spectrometer these days.

Maggie gently takes the pastry box from Lisa,  as if it were combustible.

Lisa: (worried) That’s just a cherry cobbler from the Beachwood Bakery.  John told me you like cherries.

Maggie: (sweetly) Now isn’t that thoughtful?  Well, I can tell you’re just as charming as John has told us…

She slips the pastry box into a  plastic garbage bag, and places that into an explosive proof vault marked “Bang Away - Home Concussion Container.“

John: (angry) Phil, this is out of control.  You and Maggie are completely paranoid.

Phil: (slightly wild-eyed) But we’re still alive!  Right Maggie??

Maggie: Damned straight Phil! 

John: Well this is ridiculous!  What the hell’s next?  You want us to remove our shoes??

Phil: (nodding) And place them in these agoraphobic polyethylene bags…

He hands John and Lisa each a silver bag.  They hesitate, start to remove their shoes.

Maggie: (happily) And after the body cavity search we have butternut squash soup!

John and Lisa straighten suddenly, stare at each other.  

Music Cue: Evanescence - “Call Me When You’re Sober” 

"You never call me when you’re sober…
You only want it cause it’s over
It’s over."