Two Minute Comedy11

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too" 

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre 

"Central D’ Saster 2"
A  Two Minute Comedy  Sketch

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

A bustling office atmosphere with a large conference table front and center.  Seven people sit around it scribbling notes or keying laptops.  The company name and motto is emblazoned across the wall: “When People Look Bad - We‘ve done Good!”  Bucky paces irritably.

Bucky: I don’t think you people understand the gravity of the situation!  We are up against a wall of complacency that makes the Great Wall, the Berlin Wall and Spector’s Wall of Sound look Lilliputian!

Benny: (writing) How do you spell Lilli-pushian boss??

Bobby: With a small L…

Bucky: Our clients are howling for stories, advertisers are screaming for ratings, politicians are wringing hands!!!  It is not good!  This is a great big, colossal D-I-S-ASTER people and the problem is it is NOT of our making!!

Bill: What about the anti-climate change stuff boss? Isn’t that stirring the pot?

Bucky: It needs more heat.  More conflict.  I want to see people marching against each other.  Mixing it up!  Getting down with the struggle!! (slams fist on table) Don’t forget our credo: “When Everyone looks BAD - We‘ve done Good!”  People… It’s good to be bad!  

Baker: (impressed) That’s… a paradoxical irony?

Buffy: A positive negation?

Bobby: A precise ambiguity?

Bucky: Look, we’ve got a public that’s falling asleep earlier and earlier each day.  They hear a story about a massacre in Turkey and order an extra latte!  They read our headlines on carcinogenic cornflakes and turn to the sports section.  We put on the segment about banks swindling the elderly and ratings take a nose dive!  Things are just not B-A-D enough people.  We need certifiable, unremitting badness to make good news!!

Baker: (nodding) Hark the herald,  you got something’ there Chief.

Bucky: Okay, let’s hear what you’ve got!  Buffy, go!

Buffy: Well, I’m on “Global Herpes” boss.  The herpes simplex - CO2 link. 

Bucky: Tell me.

Buffy: Romanian professor of environmental science releases study that human-made CO2 is linked to the sudden rise in genital herpes outbreaks on college campuses. 

Bucky: (pause) Okay. Gimme more.

Buffy: Preventative measures include keeping ten feet from all things carbon, wearing filter masks or breathing apparatus during sex, painting the genitals with algae paste and underwater masturbation.

Bucky: (worried) What kind of algae?

Buffy: Not there yet chief, I’ll get back to you.

Bucky: Okay.  Gimme BAD Baker…

Baker: Workin’ on the “Just One Shee-ate” angle boss.  Pitting the meanest, greenest, penny pinching liberals against the excessive extrovert conservatives. 

Bucky: Details?

Baker: Story is the Sheryl Crowe song “A Dirty Bum Could Save our Ass.”  Thousands of conservatives storm her concert throwing dirty, skid-marked underwear onstage.  Fans freak, fights breakout, riots follow, the whole thing’s a giant stink.

Bucky: (musing) “A Dirty Bum Could Save our Ass?”

Bobby:  I’ve got the headline boss…

Bucky: Give it.

Bobby: “You’ve Got to be Skidding!”

Benny: How ‘bout, “Bum’s Rush In!”

Bill: Or, “Hahahahahhah…Wipe Out!”

Broderick: (gruff) Who gives a shit?

Bucky: You do Broderick, what you got??

Broderick: GMOs cause rise in human stupidity.

Bucky: What’s new there?

Broderick: Giant chemicals, Big Ag, Big Pharma, multinationals and elite military conspire to release genetically modified fruit and veggies that alter human brain function.

Bucky: I’m listening.

Broderick: Each time you eat a fruit or veggie certified organic or not, you’re ingesting genetic altering chemistry that slows synaptic function and inhibits neuro-receptors in the brain.  I call it the “Stupid Fruit.”

Bobby: (quiet) They’ll hate that in the Bay Area.

Bucky: (impressed) Yeah… Stupid Fruit!  It’s got big B-A-D potential!

Baker: I’d go with the Biblical angle.  Original sin.  It’s all Eve’s fault. 

Benny: Yeah, original sin comes back to…

Bill: Stupefy all of humanity!

Bucky:  Okay!  Adam eats from the Tree of Knowledge and WHAM!!  Half his brains go into deep sleep!

Buffy: Until triggered by the “Stupid Fruit” conspiracy to turn all of humanity into drooling worker slaves!!

Bucky: (enthused) I’m loving it!  This is bad enough to feel good about people!!  Let’s go out there and dig the dirt.  And listen… If it doesn’t look bad, feel bad or sound bad… It can’t be good!!  Now get outta here!!

THE END (for now)