(A  letter for Reuben from his Mom. This is dated February 17, 2010).

Well, another anniversary is here of your going missing. I want you to know, I look for you every day. I look out my front window at the cars sitting in the parking lot across from our house. Sometimes we go over there and ask them if everything is alright, but the real reason we go over there is that we have the thought that it might be you, sitting there watching us, wondering if you should ring the bell.  

When I go to the store, I look in men’s faces constantly, wondering if the way they look is the way you would look now. I’ve finally realized that you aren’t 20 anymore, but I can’t imagine what you would look like as a 39 year old. Sometimes an awareness of your being gone grips me in the gut and I gasp and bend over, crying. It usually catches me by surprise. I want to see you so much. I want to know what you’re doing, who you’re with, that you’re ok. Do I have more grandchildren somewhere that I’ve never met? A daughter-in-law?  

There is so much more I want to write, but this venue is pretty public. Oh, well, I don’t care. I want to tell you what a sweet brother you were to your siblings. I want to say that I wish God had waited to give you to me until I was more mature and could be more sweet, patient and appreciative of you when you were little. I have so many regrets now that I am older and have learned what children need as they grow up. I was so immature when you were little. You were wiser than I was so many times. And yes, when you told me at age thirteen that your goal in life was to “be happy”, much later I learned you were right! Since then, I have had the opportunity to reassure many teen-agers that being happy is a good goal in life – I just wish I would have told you that. And so many times I have wanted to tell you that, when you were really young and I was being rigid, fearful, and critical of the TV shows and music you liked, I was so wrong. Turns out, your shows and music eventually became my favorites, but by then it was too late to share that with you. And I know I got you to places late consistently and required things of you that I couldn’t even do, and that I behaved like a harsh, critical, and negative know-it-all and that I often didn’t see your good intentions. That’s my biggest regret of all. If you are out there and managing to find any measure of happiness despite the awful parenting I dished out, that would be amazing.  

I will always watch for you to return. I will always hope one day will be the right day and it will happen just right. And we’ll look back wistfully together at the years we spent apart and just be grateful to be together again.        

Please find a way to let us know you’re OK.

I love you to the sky, my son,

Mom  

 

(A very special letter just for Reuben from his mom.)

Reuben,

Even though it’s been 18 years, today seemed like the day to write to you.

I want you to know that I love you very much and think of and pray for you every day.

You continue to be an important member of our family. Even though you’re not here physically, you are still an important part of us and our family story.  

There is something I really want you to know. There was NOTHING wrong with you. EVER. There was a lot wrong with our family and a lot we have worked hard to grow through and overcome. I regret sometimes that you have not been able to be a more active part of the ongoing journey we’ve been traveling on together. But I literally pray to God that wherever you are, whether on the Earth or in Heaven, that you are growing, learning, finding people to love and to love you, and becoming increasingly close to your Creator.  

I live for the day that we are reunited. I know that, whatever the circumstances of your disappearance, it is likely that that won’t happen until we are both in Heaven, but I can’t tell you how much I look forward to that day. You are precious. You are beautifully made. And Father and we love you very much.  

Mom