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So, if God had a divine family tree, what would it look like? Who would be included on that family tree? Let's find out!
Okay! So, right off we can see that the main, most prominently featured expression or personality of God is God the Everlasting. Apparently, according to the chart God the Everlasting had six children who in turn had children. Even those children had children, but we will not meet them until a little later on. Let us first go back to God the Everlasting. So, who is this guy exactly? Who were HIS parents?
Looking at the chart you will see that God the Everlasting is the spawn of the Infinity of Fates and Everything Divine. How did these two meet? Who knows. Maybe at a mixer or a club or the DMV while registering their vehicles. Whatever the case, let us now find out what the parents of God the Everlasting are made of.
First we will look at the Infinity of Fates:
You will notice that plain luck and plain choice have a lot to do with a majority of what comprises the Infinity of Fates. Now, let us look at Everything Divine:
It would appear, in looking at the composition of Everything Divine, that thought (the quantum mind), and how time and space are viewed have a lot to do with Everything Divine.
So, now we have seen what came together and and "poofed" God the Everlasting into existence with such awesome force and power. Now let us look at what God the Everlasting did after He was created. What did He do with the awesome power to create that had been placed in his hands? To Whom did He give birth? Let us find out by going back to the top chart and reading about the children and grandchildren of God the Everlasting, six children and twenty grandchildren to be correct.
As we progress in our viewing this divine family tree I will include verses from the Bible that serve as evidence for the existence of each divine being. And of course, as such is my style, I will be adding comments to each verse.
First, a verse that verifies the existence of God the Everlasting comes from Deuteronomy 33:27, which notes:
"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemies before you, saying, Destroy them!"
Never mind that in this verse God the Everlasting sounds more like a violent spoiled brat than a benevolent divine being. After all, He does have sole control to pretty much everything.
God the Everlasting's first Son is God the Faithful.
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments."
I think it is very interesting what God the Faithful apparently allows to pass as being faithful to his victimized followers. Keeps His covenant of love to thousands of generations? Really? Maybe he forgot about the shitty job he's done with the faithfulness of love in the Middle East. Say, aren't his chosen people there? Yep. Don't you just love the amount of love that God is faithfully allowing in such nations? It seems to me that God the Faithful is far more faithful in being sure to inject some kind of religious disaster and terror to mankind than perpetrating love.
However, I suppose the hidden argument here is that God faithfully allows love only to those who follow his every command and spend their every waking moment kissing the boots and ass of the divine.
The second Son is God the Peaceful.
II Chronicles 20:30
"And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side."
Oh please! God the Peaceful does absolutely shit when it comes to being peaceful. Do you really think a truly loving God the Peaceful would instruct his followers to kill doctors that perform abortions, to kill gays and lesbians, to profess hate for all those who are different, live different, and believe different, or would even allow fanatic assholes to fly passenger airliners into buildings? God the Peaceful is a total douche.
The third Son is God of Love.
I John 4:16
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."
So, are you saying that the only way people can have true, honest to goodness love is to believe specifically in the God of Love of the Bible? Run that by me again, only this time try to explain why a supposed God of Love consistently, purposely, and cruelly allows super fucked-up things to happen every damn day. I want to hear your screwy and delusional explanation of why God is Love, and at the same time I want you to reconcile God's supposed love with the acts of terror that many followers of God commit in the name of this God of Love.
The fourth Son is God the Forgiving.
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
God the Forgiving is another total douche bag. He purposely dangles the possibility of goodness in life through forgiveness in front of people, swearing that he will allow them such if only people believe in him. Then, when the hapless individual who is seeking relief from the troubles of life decides to believe in God for the sake of the advertised forgiveness, God the Forgiving totally repudiates his promise and searches for anything and everything wrong that man does, pointing out such mistakes and using them as excuses to render only tidbits of forgiveness instead of the full amount, or in some cases revoking the promise of forgiveness in entirety.
The fifth Son is God the Creator.
I Peter 4:19
"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
You know, I think God the Creator would probably be one of the more fun and entertaining divine beings to hang around, right? I mean, look at the duck-billed platypus, the blue-footed booby, the mosquito, the hairless cat, and the cockroach. Anyone creating such creatures just HAD to be smoking some mighty fine dope.
The sixth and final Son is God Almighty.
"When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am God Almighty; walk before me faithfully and be blameless."
This is totally hilarious when you stop and actually start thinking about this claim made by God Almighty. So, he tells the 99 year-old Abram, who probably was long past having one foot in the grave and was by the time God Almighty paid a visit already up to his waist and two shakes of a lamb's tail from beginning to pull in the dirt around himself, to walk with God as this is the manner in which Abram may be blameless and show his faithfulness to God Almighty. Personally, I think God Almighty purposely waited until Abram was an old coot and, due to great age, could not do anything BUT to listen to God Almighty and do his bidding.
Now, let us look one by one at each grandchild of God the Everlasting and see what they in turn created with the awesome power placed into their hands. This will be quite a long set of charts, but not to worry. It sure as hell is not nearly as long as trying to read through the book of Leviticus (which in truth can only be done successfully if properly inoculated with a good amount of booze and possibly barbiturates).
We start at the top of the chart that lists God the Everlasting's children and grandchildren. Here is God the Everlasting's grandchild the Devil:
Now where, pray tell, where may we find the required verse? In I John 3:8, which notes:
"The one who does what is sinful is of the Devil, because the Devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the Devil's work."
Sounds to me like the Devil may have just cause for a civil case against any of His siblings and His father for being treated as a red-headed step-child. Of course, since the verse is not clear as to which of God the Everlasting's sons is behind the intentional destruction of anything the Devil does or creates, the Devil may have serious issues proving his case since. This is because, as usual and expected, the ambiguous terms within the verse make it impossible to place any true and unequivocal blame.
The next grandson is the God of Moses:
"...Sang the song of God's servant Moses and of the Lamb: Great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty. Just and true are your ways, King of the nations."
I was thinking that if people are frightened enough of the God of Moses that they are bound to do whatever it takes to placate the guy, even if that means singing the praises of one who in all reality has done absolutely jack shit to deserve such praise.
Original translations of biblical text referred to this particular grandchild of God the Everlasting as "He Who Cannot Keep a Promise to Save Himself," but this translation was considered too controversial for those at the first council of Nicaea and it was changed to "The God of Moses." Later on down the line, it was decided to change it again in effort to redirect any blame anyone might have for the God of Moses and the treatment of "His chosen people" who really seem to be spending eternity being tortured by one God and group or another.
Following the God of Moses is God the Enduring:
"I issue a decree that in every part of my kingdom people must fear and reverence the God of Daniel. For he is the living God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end."
Do you really want to know what it is exactly that God the Enduring and his occasional rag-tag followers have done in order to obtain the title "enduring"? The reason is that no matter how much time passed by, God the Enduring and his minions were very consistent in their absolute belief and claim that their patch quilt of religion and faith allowed such believers to be cataclysmic-ally more deserving and worthy of blessing and of the good things in life than any other group or belief or lack of belief.
Unfortunately, God the Enduring is another one of those spiritual-type, wanna-be-a-true-moral-dilemma conspiracy theorists that have been tailored to appear genuine, but in truth is not. In addition to scheming, the reality of this behavior points to a predilection to entertain certain spiritual and ethereal modes of subjective thought processes that continue to help the deluded opinions spiritual entitlement of institutionalized religion to endure.
Next is Christ the Lamb:
I Peter 1:19
"It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God."
Ah, Christ the Lamb. Here is a nice fellow who has suffered some of the greatest violence in all of the entire history of religion. Christ the Lamb, a man who by all accounts is one of the most thoughtful and considerate divine beings, is plucked from his life of perfection and wantonly murdered so that he can be drained of his perfect blood, which is then sprinkled on the masses of humanity's sinners so that they in turn can participate in Christ the Lamb's sinless nature.
God the Peacemaker:
"'I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove wild beasts from the land, and the sword will not pass through your country."
Well, if God the Peacemaker isn't full of shit I wouldn't know who would be. For how many centuries upon centuries upon centuries has this guy been promising peace to those who follow his error-riddled leadership? Has he ever produced the fruit of his promise? Nope. The only thing this asshole has been successful in producing is excuse after excuse as to why he refuses to fulfill his promise.
Don't forget that God the Peacemaker, a man who has immeasurable power and opportunity at his disposal, always puts limits and conditions on his promises of peace. I will allow you peace IF...I will grant peace IF...You shall have peace IF. And what happens? God the Peaceful purposely makes sure the IFs of his promises NEVER happen.
It is God the Peaceful who is a main member of the group of individuals who are responsible for goading people into fighting wars in the name of peace. That makes about as much sense as eating a block of cheese in order to help constipation.
Jesus of Nazareth:
"...How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him."
So, consider all of the wonderful things that Jesus of Nazareth did. He healed people, calmed people, talked to people, tried to help people to understand each other, and truly did what he could to try to remind people of the power and the love that surrounds everyone. Then, instead of allowing Jesus of Nazareth to continue in his amazing life of love and peace the Powers that Be decide to murder him.
The story gets better.
Never mind that Jesus of Nazareth did not preach separation and withholding of peace and joy, but those who killed him tell those who are searching for stability and understanding in their lives that they too can be like Jesus of Nazareth...IF they believe a certain way, act a certain way, want certain things, separate themselves from certain people, harass certain people or groups, threaten certain beliefs or no belief at all, and who hold the absurd ideal that all things of true and lasting value in the universe can only be acquired by the subjugating wiles of religion. Lovely.
God the Healer:
"He said, If you listen carefully to the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."
Sure, and the same Lord that heals you is the very same one who made you so goddamn sick in the first place. Shiesh. I can imagine how the scenario would play out here, right? Awww. You poor thing, you. Are you feeling ill? I tell you what, I promise to take away the particularly virulent strain of bubonic plague that I just gave you, but ONLY if you promise to do absolutely everything that I tell you to do. A person would have better luck being treated medically through President Obama's healthcare system than through God the Healer.
God the Theologian:
John 3:34, Romans 3:29
"For the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God gives the Spirit without limit."
"Or is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles too? Yes, of Gentiles too."
These two verses indicate something very interesting about God the Theologian: He knows he can make up all the rules in regards to how the lowly member of humanity views him and believes in him. Could God the Theologian make things a little easier for people to love and believe and treat each other? Of course! But he does not. Why? He does not want to lose the attention that he has worked so hard to get from those who believe in him and fight over him. So, he speaks in riddles and circles, claiming that God is one thing when he is really another. Then he claims that people just don't understand because he (God) is so complex. How can the nature of God be studied and understood when God the Theologian is constantly changing the rules and the meanings and the dogmas?
God the All-Knowing:
Genesis 3:5, II Corinthians 12:3
"For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
"And I know that this man--whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows--"
God the All-Knowing completely and totally over-states his knowledgeable character. For an individual who is supposed to know so very much he sure as shit allows a bunch of bad crap to happen on a continual basis. What is the purpose of knowing if you do absolutely nothing positive with that knowledge, or if you are constantly using that knowledge to separate people instead of bringing them together?
God of Hope:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Do you think that the soldiers of the Crusades were overflowing with the joy and peace of the God of Hope? Do you think that the terrorist fuck-heads who blow people up and fly planes into buildings and plant chemical bombs on trains see and feel and spread all of the good things supposedly connected with the God of Hope? Do you think the millions upon millions of Jews, who are supposed to be the chosen people of God, who suffered abominable fates in WWII felt and experienced the amazing wonders of the God of Hope?
God the Philosophical:
"But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. Get behind me, Satan! he said. You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns."
God the Philosophical is a curious individual who cannot seem to remember the crumb-trail of lies that he creates. When he comes upon something he cannot explain (usually in relation to some utterly horrible treatment of a member or members of humanity) he chocks up the confusion to the limited mental capabilities of man as well as the manipulating intentions of Satan purposely preventing man from understanding. The best part is whenever people ask for explanations or clarification God the Philosophical redirects and claims that the reason the questioning individual does not understand whatever is going on is because Satan is purposely blinding them to the truth. Total douche, just like many of his relatives.
God of Mercy:
Philippians 2:27, Luke 1:78
"Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow."
"...because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven..."
Spared sorrow upon sorrow? Hah! That is a great laugh being as though all that the God of Mercy is known for and responsible for is precisely sorrow upon sorrow. Such a fine fellow, this God of Mercy. In fact, he is such an upstanding divine being I think we should take a moment to consider some of his finer examples of mercy...
...Let's see...we have the Spanish Inquisition, the Great Potato Famine in Ireland, WWI, WWII, Vietnam Conflict, the Crusades, feudalism, communism, taxes, 9/11, slaughter of the natives of the Americas, forty years of wandering in the desert for God's chosen people, Pompeii, Katrina, Krakatoa, persecution of gays and lesbians, child slavery, serial killers, Jon Benet Ramsey, Casey Anthony, Susan Smith (the psycho bitch in one of the Carolinas who murdered her two baby boys and blamed it on some make-believe black man who supposedly car-jacked her)...this list literally goes on forever.
God the Artist:
"The cedars in the garden of God could not rival it, nor could the junipers equal its boughs, nor could the plane trees compare with its branches-- no tree in the garden of God could match its beauty."
Personally, I think God the Artist is one of the more wonderful divine beings to be around. His name should be God the Beautiful being as though some of the things he is responsible for creating are so damn gorgeous. The Grand Canyon, outer space, the Barrier Reef, Hawaii, Yellowstone, Yosemite, the Amazon, Alaska, and the Caribbean name just a few. God the Artist lives only to create and never to destroy.
Matthew 16:18, Revelation 1:18
"And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it..."
"I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades."
See, when it says that the gates of Hades will not overcome it that did not mean that Hades would be making any kind of power play and attack, hell no. It is referring to an easement due to issues with the property lines between Hades and his next door neighbor. As far as the keys to Hades goes, he gave them to his brother so that his brother could take care of Hades' house while he was on vacation in Africa (Hades goes to Africa a lot).
God the Sustainer:
Hebrews 1:3, Psalm 68:9
"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven."
"O God, you cause abundant showers to fall on your chosen people. When they are tired, you sustain them..."
What a load of shit. God the Sustainer could give two shits and a rats ass of what happens to anyone other than himself and his vicious appetite for attention and violence. What he sustains is war and havoc, and he does it with his mighty sword that he convinces hapless believers to wield about in the name of purity and justice. And as far as abundance goes, the only thing God the Sustainer showers on people is wave after wave of sorrow and delusion.
God the Father:
II Corinthians 1:3
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort."
God the Father has nothing to do with mercy. Read through the Bible and you will notice that the supposed mercy of comfort is only given when people are being traumatized by the very God they worship. The problem here is that the people are kept in a continual state of terror and traumatizing through the actions of God. God the Father "offers" comfort and people are so grateful to him that they just do not see that the very reason they are suffering in the first place is the very being they are worshiping.
There are fathers who have big time issues with releasing control of their children as the children grow older. So, what the father does is create circumstances where the child must absolutely rely on the father. Then the father looks like a swell guy, like a real hero. In truth he is nothing more than a real mother fucker.
Job 2:2, Mark 3:23, Matthew 12:26
"And the LORD said to Satan, Where have you come from? Satan answered the LORD, From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it."
"So Jesus called them over to him and began to speak to them in parables: How can Satan drive out Satan?"
"If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?"
Satan totally and completely gets a bad rap in the Bible. He is consistently misquoted and regularly blamed for all of the bad shit that happens to God's chosen people. The reason why Satan roams back and forth is he is trying desperately to stay away from those divine siblings of his who seem to take great joy in tormenting Satan at any and every cost.
Also, the full story behind the question of how can Satan drive out Satan is this:
Satan was seriously pissed when he saw what God Almighty had done to mankind during the great flood and took it upon himself to challenge the God of Love how such a God could consider himself so loving if he was consistently behaving in such a heinous manner. God had nowhere to go in response to the question except to tell the truth (something he definitely did not want to do), and so he decided to try to turn the situation around on Satan.
God the Fearless:
"He gives them a sense of security, so they can rely on it, but His eyes watch over their ways."
This sounds like God the Fearless has the backs of those who worship him, but such is simply not the case. What God the Fearless really means here is that people who wish to commit crimes against their fellow men in the name of the divine truth of the universe have his backing. But, they had better follow through with their dastardly deeds lest whatever they have planned for their enemies end up happening to them.
God the Just:
II Thessalonians 1:6, Daniel 9:14
"God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you..."
"The LORD did not hesitate to bring the disaster on us, for the LORD our God is righteous in everything he does; yet we have not obeyed him."
This is one of the most favored verses to quote in defense of those who commit atrocity after atrocity in the name of eternal salvation and all that is holy. Do you love God the Just? Why yes. Don't you want to obey him? Why of course! Then you had better make sure you obey his every whim so that he does not visit you with a helping of the stew of disaster he has prepared for those who refuse to bend to his twisted will and uber-inflated ego.
Thus-Sayeth the Lord God of Hosts:
"Therefore, thus says the LORD, the God of hosts, "Because you have spoken this word, Behold, I am making My words in your mouth fire And this people wood, and it will consume them."
Never mind the fact that this verse provides ample evidence as to Thus-Sayeth being a serial fire bug, but it gives some of the more inexperienced religious seekers in the universe the incorrect impression that if they follow Thus-Sayeth and obey his instruction they will be rewarded with immense power to obliterate their enemies who stand contrary to their own position.
Now, we move onto the lineage of the great-grandchildren of the grandchildren of God the Everlasting.
Interestingly enough, only two of the great-grandchildren of the grandchildren of God the Everlasting continued in their lineage: The Devil and the God of Moses. Of these two the Devil by far has more descendants.
We begin with those descendants of the Devil:
God the Constantly Wrong:
"God alone understands the way to wisdom; he knows where it can be found."
This is ALL wrong. God the Constantly Wrong has never once been correct in any of his assertions or promises or predictions. He is like the guy that goes to law school and does not complete it, yet feels that he has the knowledge that empowers him to render legal aid and opinion. God the Constantly Wrong certainly has access to all of the wisdom he could possibly want. The problem is he does nothing good with it and more often than not completely misinterprets the true meanings of those verses he utilizes in an effort to explain and excuse his behavior and treatment of others.
God the Destructive:
Deuteronomy 19:1, Psalm 18:47
"When the LORD your God has destroyed the nations whose land he is giving you, and when you have driven them out and settled in their towns and houses..."
"The one true God completely vindicates me; he makes nations submit to me."
God the Destructive travels great lengths to be sure to provide his more violent followers with encouragement and permissive statements that validate behaviors intended to obliterate cultures and practices contrary to the followers of such a pathetic divine being. He even goes so far as to make promises that are so grand (usually in reference to power and glory and authority) that people rise up against each other under the mistaken and delusional idea that any nation who does not believe in the same manner ought to be destroyed, subdued, and taken hostage. Oh, and God the Destructive truly goes the distance in making sure that his automaton followers truly believe they are one hundred percent correct and vindicated in their murderous and inhumane actions.
God the Disillusioned:
II Corinthians 13:4, I Peter 1:5
"For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him in our dealing with you."
"...Who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."
God the Disillusioned is in desperate need of lithium, Zoloft, and possibly some Valium to put him on his ass for a while so everyone else can figure out what the hell to do with him. He consistently confuses suffering with glory and pain and weakness with necessary requirements in order to get to heaven. He tries to sound educated and very philosophical, but like many parolees who read mounds of philosophical books while serving their prison sentence think they are then cataclysmic-ally smarter than everyone else, he completely misses the mark.
God the Hoarder of Knowledge:
II Peter 1:2, Romans 1:28
"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord."
"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done."
God the Hoarder of Knowledge loves to stir the pot of humanity by leading people to think that truly valuable knowledge can ONLY be acquired by following a particular interpretation of God and spirituality. In addition to that he steers the thinking of those deluded by his assertions and promises down a very dark path that sews mighty seeds of discord based on the incredibly stupid notion that there are limitations on love and compassion. All those individuals who choose to think or believe or live differently are labeled as depraved and marked for condemnation.
God the Ignorant Choosing:
II Samuel 3:1
"The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker."
God the Ignorant Choosing does not make a whole lot of good decisions. Such is evidenced when he picks Saul for the first king of Israel. He really should have given the issue a considerable more amount of thought as the deal with Saul really did not end that well at all. God the Ignorant Choosing is like the sexy blonde college student who, in a B-rated horror flick, chooses to go up to the attic or down to the basement in the dark, by herself, without any weapon whatsoever. Total ditz.
God the Manic:
Genesis 9:11, Matthew 24:39
"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."
"...and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man."
The problem here is that with an individual who is manic you never really know what it is you are going to get, right? One moment they are ready to love you and forgive you...then the next day you are fighting for your life because they want to kill you because you forgot to dump the trash or you put a spoon in the wrong drawer.
God the Taker:
Job 27:8, Ecclesiastes 5:4
"For what hope have the godless when they are cut off, when God takes away their life?"
"When you make a promise to God, don't delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him."
God the Taker is an abusive thug who purposely seeks out the weaknesses of those who follow him so that he may use such things against people in order that they fear him and he better control them. Watch what you do. Why? If you do not obey God the Taker will strip you of everything that you love, enjoy, live for, and desire. Punk. Complete and total punk.
Now, the descendants of the God of Moses:
God the Thousand Points of Light:
I John 1:5, II Corinthians 4:4
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all."
"The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."
How many times have we heard that God is light? There have to be a thousand verses in the Bible that tout that God is light. But, the dark reality is revealed once you take a look at history and the many, many instances and verifiable reports as to the dark evil that is brought upon humanity under the guise of some nut-job or other acting under the instruction of God and the desire to bring light into the world.
In a different post that is to be forth coming, we will discuss in more detail the lineage of the grandsons of the grandsons of God the Everlasting that were left out of this post.
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Movies that Never Made it Off the Cutting Room Floor
By: Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock
Over the last one hundred years or so the motion picture business has bloomed and blossomed into something spectacular. Outstanding acting, riveting stories, and unbelievable special effects have welded the movie business to the hearts and souls of the movie-hungry public. While many individuals are familiar with great cinematic works such as Gone With the Wind, Ben Hur, and Taming of the Shrew, most of these same individuals are not in the least bit aware that these very same cinematic greats owe their existence to their less glamorous predecessors.
Many of the really great movies came about when film producers and executives were unhappy with or appalled by the first completed versions of films that were brought before them. When this happened the film producers and executives would often change the script a bit, change the movie title, shuffle the actors around, and then re-shoot the movie. The result, more often than not, would be a cinematic gem for the ages.
It great pleasure to present to you an extensive list of original movies that never made it off the cutting room floor. While I do number them please understand that this does not mean they were developed in this particular order. I number them for simplicity’s sake. The movie titles will be given and then followed by a brief plot explanation. I hope you enjoy this rare cinematic treat.is my
1. Blast From My Ass
NASA discovers a very cheap, yet effective way to travel through time.
A docu-drama of the administration of a country’s politician who twice cheated in presidential elections in order to win.
3. Gone With My Wind
Grandpa loses his ‘cork’ and clears the house of all the Thanksgiving guests.
4. Three Days After the Day Before the Day After Tomorrow
Climatologists attempt to accurately predict the weather. Includes a feature-length commentary that explains how ‘weather predicting’ is the only job a person is able to keep though that person may be totally wrong in their predictions eighty percent of the time.
5. Leprechaun IX
The demonic little green freak experiences emotional melt-down after standing in line at the unemployment office for six hours.
6. Fried Green Potatoes
A fast-food chain recycles uneaten French fries.
7. Batteries are Included
A local porn shop decides to do the right thing and sell the vibrators with the necessary batteries.
8. Butch Cassidy and the Sun Block Kid
Butch Cassidy meanders the Old West while trying to sell cattle ranchers and Native Americans SPF45 sun block.
9. Interview With an Umpire
The vampire Gestalt secures a job as a major league baseball umpire for night games.
10. Totaled Recall
A gripping film that chronicles the horrible truth that the Florida vote recount was purposely botched.
11. The Blizzard of Oz
Dorothy tries to warn the Wicked Witch of an impending severe climate shift.
12. Malice in Wonderland
This movie portrays the sad tale of the Mad Hatter murdering the Red Queen after the Jabberwocky refuses to marry him.
13. Beauty and the Yeast
Belle sends Gaston to the pharmacist for some nystatin.
The son of Zeus opens up a coffee shop on Mount Olympus.
15. The Bitches of Eastwick
Three women take revenge on their ex-husbands.
16. The Tell Tale Fart
Odiferous methane emanations from downstairs tenants tortures the family in the apartment above them.
17. Mission Improbable
You don’t really think all of the votes in the botched Florida elections were recounted, do you?
18. Seven Years of Bitch
One man relates his horrific struggle during seven years of wedded un-bliss to a real bitch of a woman.
19. Mogli Dick
Our little jungle boy Mogli takes up whaling in order to support his village.
20. Jungle Nook
Beer-Sheba opens up a rattan furniture store.
21. Barbie of Seville
Damn! That blonde bitch is everywhere!
22. Herbie the Bedbug
Our VW pal turns out to be one hell of a marriage counselor.
23. Yellow Snow White
That asshole dwarf Dopey keeps pissing the bed.
24. Vinnie the Pooh
Vinnie the Pooh takes out Christopher Robin on Kanga’s orders.
25. Snappy Dragon, Grouchy Tiger
A movie about women with severe PMS.
David Koresh, Jim Jones, and Charlie Manson all fight for the title ‘Lamb of God’.
27. Harry is Stoned on the Sorcerer’s Pot
Harry finds out why Hagrid has such a huge appetite.
28. Stir of Geckos
Our little insurance reptiles wreak havoc by raising the deductible rates for collision insurance.
29. Office Spaced
Office personnel devise new and novel ways to do as little as possible while at work.
30. Amnesty-Ville Horror
Castro empties Cuba’s prisons and sends the cons to the United States as political refugees.
31. Top Guns
Documents the frightening truth about the availability of weapons to America’s youth.
32. National Lampooned Penitentiary Vacation
Chronicles the life and times of Martha Stewart during her incarceration.
33. True Lie
An attempt to explain the real reason for the United States military presence in the Middle East.
34. The Santa Clod
Jolly Saint Nick fights Hodgkin’s and high cholesterol.
35. Clear and Present Ranger
Casper the Ghost takes a job as Texas law enforcement.
36. Sleepy Fellow
The Headless Horseman fights severe narcolepsy.
37. Super-Duper Size Me
A fast-food chain offers Viagra in kid meals.
38. Shorted Circuit
Documents the staggering amount of idiot politicians within government.
39. 28 Minutes Later
Chronicles the amount of time a former child-movie star can stay out of trouble and sober after being released from jail…yet again.
40. Indianapolis Jones and the Raiders of My Panty Drawer
Who knew joining a fraternity could be so fun!
41. Star Warts
Hand Solo tries to explain to Doc Vader that he got his newest case of genital warts from Princess Laid-a-Lot.
42. Seven Crimes for Seven Mothers
Documents crimes by women with children such as Ma Barker and the Texas Cheerleader Mom.
43. The Hunt for Dead October
Major League Baseball’s team the Kansas City Royals disappoint fans yet again by finishing dead last in everything.
44. Shitty-Shitty Bang-Bang
A gripping film that presents clear and concise arguments as to why every state should have a Lemon Law in regards to selling used vehicles.
45. The Little Barmaid
Ariel has to get a second job at a local pub when the lazy Prince Eric refuses to work.
46. The Slutty Professor
A true story of a teacher who decided it was okay to sleep with one of her fourteen-year-old students.
When you shower…use the soap AND use it EVERYWHERE!
48. Fatal Distraction
An in-depth film on the staggering number of vehicle collisions caused by using cell phones while driving.
49. Jacks With My Beanstalk
A garden shop gives away free carjacks with each sale of a beanstalk. What? What were you thinking I was going to put here? Shame on you!
50. Maiming of the Shrew
A harrowing story of a man who plans revenge on his mother-in-law after she tries to drive him crazy by telling him how to raise his kids, treat his wife, and spend his money.
Ester Lighthorse's Second Book:
All the Fish in the Sea
searching for a good man. Whether a woman finds herself to be surrounded
by men going absolutely nowhere in their lives, finds herself on a date with a man who looks nowhere near his dating profile photo, finds herself with a man who has lied terribly about what his line of work is (if he does indeed have work), or finds herself on a date with a man who expects some type of sexual favor or other on a first date this book offers excellent advice and step-by-step instructions of how a woman can use internet dating services to get absolutely everything she wants while in the process of looking for a good man. This book is a work of fiction.
"All the Fish in the Sea" is the only written work by Ester Lighthorse that has absolutely nothing to do with religious issues. A great laugh! If you wish to read this book simply go to the link provided:
Ester Lighthorse's Third Book:
The Tenement Gospel
This book serves as the newest and most accurate version of the New Testament. It is the literal interpretation of the original New Testament and boldly presents the original teachings of Jesus before the inept zealots of the thought police censored it and removed a ton of text, the true foundations of Christianity, and the level of morality that all humans must practice in order to secure real estate next to Jesus in heaven. "The Tenement Gospel" is also every bit as trustworthy and God-inspired and as reliable a source as ANY version of the New Testament. The entire book of Revelatin' is presented as a reading sample.
This entire ebook is available on Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0ITIY/ref=r_soa_s_i
Author's note: Much like that of various holy books and scriptural texts quotations are not utilized. In addition, to be completely sure that the original meaning of each book in "The Tenement Gospel" maintains its integrity, proper English translation was abandoned in favor of the original tenement language.
The Book of Revelatin’
1 What it is, my brotha? This here be me revelatin’ to you about the Tenement Gospel as so stated by God his own self, so that the muthas who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster might be doin’ something to be settin’ theyselfs free.
2 Now, the folks who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that they scriptures be the complete and indelible truth, but this be a bunch of horse shit.
3 The reason for this be simple, ‘aight? They main problem be that they faith be based on a load of frightening prophecies that be making no damn sense no how. Now that be what we gonna be talkin’ about here, you dig?
4 But before I gets into tellin’ ya’ll what ya’ll should be lookin’ out for an’ shit, I wanna be greeting you and thankin’ you for being here and readin’ this, ‘aight?
5 So, with all the love in the universe that be making up what God be, I bless you and hope that all thangs be goin’ well for you and all of yours, you dig? Know in your heart that wherever you are, so God is there also regardless of whether or not you want him to be.
6 I have been charged by God and all that be making up what God be to write this book so that ya’ll know the truth about what to be expectin’ from the nut cases who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster.
7 Now, these things be coming to me through a dream, granted a really whacked out dream that in all fairness could have been a direct result of the mow I smoked. I am writin’ these things exactly as I herd ‘em or saw ‘em in my dream, ‘aight?
8 In my dream I be standin’ on the most beautiful, white sand beach that be havin’ the most gorgeous blue water. And stuck in the white sand be these really cool lookin’ tiki torches.
9 And standin’ near these tiki torches was this servant guy who be bringin’ anything I be askin’ for. So, I gots a really cool drink in a pineapple. Now the guy standin’ near the torches be havin’ Rasta braids and be smokin’ really great mow.
10 And dude says to me, Ya’ll be writin’ this down, foh-shizzle, so people be payin’ attention to what they should be doin’. And if people be sayin’ to youz that they don’t be havin’ the info that they be needin’ you tell them they full of shit,
11 For everything that people be needin’ to be knowing in order to be livin’ happy and healthy and abundant lives be all around them if only they be openin’ they eyes and they minds and they hearts and they spirits. This be the truth, my dizzle.
12 And tell this to people so that they be knowing that there ain’t no alpha and no omega, for everything be now and all at once, you dig? That be what Jesus be tryin’ to tell people about what the ‘I Am’ be meanin’. It be meanin’ oneness with the ‘now’, you dig?
13 Now folks needin’ to be knowin’ that there ain’t no big damn tribulation that all that be makin’ up God in this universe be making people to be going through. Don’t ya’ll know you be making all your own tribulations?
14 God ain’t tryin’ to put people through more of that shit! Hell no! God be trying to help ya’ll get yo asses out of the bad things you done gone and did to ya’lls selfs.
15 So youz go and be writing down everything that I be telling’ you so that hopefully somebody be payin’ attentions an’ start gettin’ shit right, you dig?
16 So, I done told the guy with the Rasta braids who be smokin’ a doobie that I be doin’ exactly like he be tellin’ me an’ writin’ everything down.
1 And a voice said to look and I looked, and I saw nine golden pot bongs standing in a thick haze of smoke from the most holy mow. Then did the voice say, It is four and twenty.
2 Then was a righteous doobie passed unto me and I did smoke of the most holiest of mows. Then a voice said, You must be hungry.
3 I turned toward the sound of the voice and, behold! I saw a man clothed in the garment of an ice cream man, girded about the chest with cinnamon buns, his hair was the blinding salmon pink of cotton candy,
4 His head was a nacho tortilla chip and his eyes were watermelon flavored ring-pops; his arms were fruit roll-ups and his fingers were golden corndogs; his thighs were carne asada burritos and his calves were churros;
5 His ankles were hickory smoked turkey drumsticks and his feet were buttermilk biscuits with sweet potato toes.
6 As I began to eat the ankles and the toes of the man before me he spoke, saying, Know that the things I am about to tell you are the things that those of the Gospel of Disaster say are about to take place, but never will,
7 Or they are things that those of the Gospel of Disaster normally be spoutin’ off about for one reason or other.
8 And I be fallin’ at the feet of this fella an I told him that I was not into lisnin’ to some puffed up scriptural mumbo-jumbo that said I was going to be burning in somebody’s hell. And he said to me,
9 No, Bozo! I am not gonna preach that crap to you. I am telling you what to look out for from the people who do preach that crapola for shits and giggles and for the purpose of scarin’ the beejesus out of everybody on the planet who don’t be believin’ like they do.
10 Now, listen up! The folk who be teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster shall be claimin’ all kinds of signs and symbols and messages in damn near anything that be happnin’ or not happnin’, you dig?
11 Now some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster claim to know that the works and labors of those of the Tenement Gospel are evil and that the preachers of the Tenement Gospel are false apostles.
12 The reason why those of the Gospel of Disaster claim the teachings of the Tenement Gospel to be false is because such a message preached is not one they wish to hear about,
13 For the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster do not wish to hear that they have completely departed from the message of love of the universe, and in doing so they have also left God,
14 And instead of treating their fellow men with acceptance they point to them and say, Look! They are doing this wrong! Look! They are doing that wrong!
15 He who has half a mind to hear don’t listen to those of the Gospel of Disaster, for such say nothing worth hearing when they preach about the things they hate and the people they hate and the practices they hate.
16 It is true, however, that those of the Gospel of Disaster who overcome the urge to hate and detest and abuse others shall in turn overcome the fruits of the Tree of Disaster, therefore reverting back to the love that comprises what God is.
17 And some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that to suffer tribulation and poverty and grueling life demands is in reality to live with richness and wealth in life,
18 Yet, these very same messengers become very rich and live comfortable lives with the very same money they beg for and take from those who really are poor and suffering in the depths of poverty.
19 Such messengers slander the faith and the love that they supposedly preach, and in doing so neglect all that is God.
20 And they tell their flocks to not fear or worry about their seemingly endless well of suffering in the now, for those suffering are told they will be rewarded most richly in a distant, later life,
21 For the Gospel of Disaster states that its followers must be faithful in everything, even unto death. In return the faithful are promised crowns of life, but a faith that preaches death in the now and life in the later is doomed to disarray.
1 And some messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths are like double-edged swords and cut the hearts of those who hold alternate faiths or no faith at all, and cut the ears of all who hear messages of different faiths,
2 For the Gospel of Disaster claims that all other faiths are stumbling blocks and not intended to bring people to God, but rather to take people away from God. Such messengers say,
3 Lo! Faiths of a different origin are from Satan and therefore do not qualify as a valid belief.
4 The messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths and members of such faiths must immediately repent of their wicked faiths and their wicked ways lest they be cut-off from the truth of the Gospel of Disaster,
5 For those who believe differently than peddlers of the Gospel of Disaster will find that a holy war has been declared upon them under the guise of preaching a peaceful gospel,
6 And it is in such a cause that those of the Gospel of Disaster say that their faith is the one, true faith that is above all others, saying,
7 To the man who has ears to hear, let him plug them up so he will not have to listen to the sin of all other faiths,
8 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster promises that those who listen only to him shall be given special stones that no one else shall receive or even know about.
9 And there are those messengers who claim that God hates the tolerance of any faith other than theirs, calling all other faiths sinful and evil and filled with idol worship. 10 The same messengers even accuse believers of other faiths of being wicked fornicators and of purposely sacrificing the truth, therefore giving just cause to treat other religions as adulterous in nature,
11 For according to the Gospel of Disaster members of different faiths or no faith at all shall be thrown into the fires of a great tribulation,
12 But I say to you to never fear these things for they shall never be. Those of the message of disaster shall claim to have authority over all other nations and religions, but this is one of the biggest bullshit lies in the history of religion.
13 If a man has the ears to hear then he shall do himself a favor and never lend an ear to the Gospel of Disaster, for such a gospel that is steeped in fear can never bring about anything nurturing or beneficial.
14 And much like a neglectful parent toward an unwanted child the Gospel of Disaster labels all other beliefs as dead in faith, ignoring them as though they were bastard children.
15 Messengers of the disastrous faith say that no man is saved by works, but then these same muthas turn around and point to other faiths, saying,
16 Look what they are saying, look what they are doing, look at what they are believing, and look at what they do not do. We are better than they are for the works we live by are loved by the one, true God.
17 The messengers of disaster become a source of great distain amongst many nations, and they claim such distain as a sign of their longsuffering, but in reality it is everyone else who suffers at the hands of those that are caked with the muddiness hate.
18 It is God that blesses anyone who has the endurance and tenacity and the patience to ignore and put up with the crap of the Gospel of Disaster.
1 The scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be truth since they were penned by a bunch of picky bastards who only chose to write about what they liked, what they wanted to hear, and about those things they could use to control people with.
2 Such people are blind so long as they hold onto the Gospel of Disaster, for so long as they fail to see the many paths that lead to God, they shall not have eyes that recognize anything of great or lasting value.
3 When venomous men such as these come to your door and ask for the ears of your heart, do not let them in for they will only devour you and the objectiveness of your spirit.
4 After I was shown all of these things I was given another mega doobie of the most holy of mows and told, Smoke up, for you will now be shown those things the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster shall say and do during what they think is the end.
5 Then I was made non-corporeal and taken before a very large throne made of skeletons that had been dipped in gold, and upon the golden skeletons were green emeralds with many small rainbows seeping out from them.
6 And around this large throne of golden skeletons were many, many smaller thrones identical in appearance, and upon the miniature thrones were many different manifestations of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster,
7 And behold! A voice said unto me, Look at these who sit here one these thrones made of skeletons dipped in gold. They have convinced themselves that they are above all because they have built a throne similar to the one they claim to be God’s throne,
8 But the very throne they claim to be God’s throne is the same throne they created in secret and labeled in secret to be God’s own. Though they claim to have discovered this throne it is not so, for they worship their own creation.
9 One cannot discover what one has created. That is some stupid shit.
10 Standing in the midst of all the thrones is a great beast with many sharp teeth, hateful red eyes, razor sharp talons of the hardest metal, a tongue of fire, the belly of a dragon, the feathers of a chicken, and the whiskers of a catfish.
11 And the beast had many eyes and many mouths from which came many negative words and phrases, and those sitting on the thrones looked upon the beast with awe, bowed to it and prayed to it. Then a voice said to me,
12 See these people on the thrones worshiping this beast? These are the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster. Do you know what the beast they worship is? It is the fear that they rely on in order that they control people with their blind rhetoric.
13 And behold, a dead horse, and the men standing astride of it were beating it in order to get it to comply with their wishes, but it would not respond for it was dead. Crowns with the word ‘Dunce’ were given unto the men who beat the horse,
14 For they were trying to sell the dead horse in an effort to pass it off as something valuable. Unto the people who passed them by they said, Come, buy this horse and it shall till your gardens and take you anywhere you wish to go.
15 And when some people passing by asked why the men were trying to sell a dead horse the men said, It is not dead, only resting. For the men who buy this horse and manage to wake it, it shall be an asset unto them.
16 It came to be that some of those passing by the men with the dead horse paid them no mind at all while others simply wanted to stare at the carcass and yet others wanted to buy it.
17 And behold, I saw a green horse, and the man who sat on him wore golden armor and held a great sack of money. The horse had a bridle and a saddle made of pure silver. And this man had the ability to speak sweet words to people in order that they give him their money,
18 For he promised them that if they gave him money he would lead them to the eternal way and to a special seat in heaven next to Jesus.
19 Then I turned, and behold, I saw a blue horse, and the man who sat on him was crying and his expression was one of great sorrow. And to this man was given the burden of a heavy heart,
20 For he allowed the destructive promises of his supposed faith to divide him from his family and from his friends and from society.
21 And I looked again, and behold, I saw a yellow horse, and the man who sat on him was trembling with great fear. And this man was consumed by the non-sensical rumors of what might happen to him when he would die,
22 For this man chose his faith according to the terrible tribulations that that particular faith promised to save him from if he would only believe.
23 Then there came a great noise like an air horn at a football game, and I saw all of the lives of people who chose to wage war in the name of God and of faith, and they cried out, What is this that we have done to each other?
24 For we say we know the mind and the love of God and then we murder each other, burn one another’s cities and towns, lay waste to lands meant to sustain the life of people, and even commit heinous suicides thinking it makes us martyrs.
25 And as these people are reborn many consign themselves to try to compensate for the atrocities they enacted in their previous lives.
1 Then a loud voice said unto me, Listen and write this shit down, ’aight? Now those of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ some crazy ass shit about some supposed End Times Tribulation and a great Judgment Day.
2 And they say that the End Times will happen when God no longer wishes to allow people the chance to choose either the Gospel of Disaster or death, and will instead choose death for those who never made the right choice to begin with.
3 Those of the Gospel of Disaster will use absolutely every tactic possible in an effort to scare people into believing their crap spin on the spiritual matters of the universe, and with each natural disaster and with each great war waged they shall say,
4 The end is near! And with each great quake, each tidal wave, each volcanic explosion, each collapse of a mountain, each outbreak of any plague, each downfall of a government, each shortage of food,
5 Each violent political volley, each great war waged between nations great and small, each uprising against political despots, each unusual occurrence in the heavens, and each misunderstanding of supernatural matters those of the Gospel of Disaster say,
6 Look, these are the signs that all is going to end! These are the signs that we are right and have always been right in clinging to our destructive faith. God is angry and this is why all of these terrible things are happening!
7 For those of the Gospel of Disaster just can’t seem to get it through their thick heads that an earthquake is an earthquake, a tidal wave is a tidal wave, and a volcanic eruption is a volcanic eruption,
8 And all of such things naturally occur in and on the earth upon which people live, for the earth is living and growing and changing at all times, just as the men who walk upon its surface.
9 But the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster persist to misinterpret natural processes as confirmation of their twisted faith, taking the descriptions of such and forcing them to fit into whatever prophecies they can conjure up from their scriptures.
10 And in the last book of their prophecies those who preach the Gospel of Disaster go all out and say some really, really crazy shit. Write these things down so you will remember them. And I did as I was commanded by the voice and wrote.
11 And the voice said, There is a prophecy that there will be four angels at the four corners of the earth that shall withhold the wind and its power. The problem with this prophecy is the fact that the earth don’t be having no goddamn corners, ‘aight?
12 But these prophecies were written in a time when men still thought the earth was fucking flat. So, there goes the prophecy of four angels holding the winds from the four corners of the earth.
13 Right after that prophecy is one that says that an angel commands the other angels to not harm the earth and the sea until the slaves of the God of the Gospel of Disaster have been sealed upon their heads.
14 Now, not only does this make an absolutely absurd picture in one’s mind, but do you get the strange sense of detachment when instead of saying everyone who does not believe is going to get killed the angel says the earth and the sea will be harmed?
15 This is a classic example of trying to disassociate with those who are considered doomed, right? Never mind the people who are supposedly going to be harmed, let’s just talk about the earth and the sea getting harmed. How stupid is that?
16 So, those who are supposedly doomed are not worth talking about or mentioning, but the earth and the sea are. That right there ought to give people a real sense of the lack of appreciation and respect the Gospel of Disaster has towards a lot of people.
17 What I find of particular interest about this particular prophecy is the fact that it states that the slaves of the Gospel of Disaster will be sealed with a mark upon their heads. Slaves. Notice it does not say believers, it says slaves. Need I say more?
18 Another prophecy says that the throne of God will be surrounded with a mass of people in white robes which have been made white in the blood of what they believe. There are actually quite a few of these types of prophecies,
19 And it is these prophecies in particular that the fundamentalist-terrorist-whack jobs latch onto to defend their maniacal religious behavior. They spilled blood, their own or someone else’s, in an effort to overcome and sit about the throne of God.
20 They are martyrs who receive even greater favor from the God of the Gospel of Disaster for sacrificing themselves. Again, this type of crappy-doo religious philosophy only encourages idiots to do stupid shit in an effort to gain God’s favor.
1 Then was another mega doobie of the most holiest of mows passed unto me, and I was commanded to smoke, and I did. Then the voice commanded me that I continue to listen to the absurdities of the Gospel of Disaster. And the voice said,
2 Listen to these hypocrisies of the Gospel of Disaster. Now it says in its last book of prophecies that angels stand before a golden altar and light incense to go with the prayers of people to God,
3 So you tell me how the Gospel of Disaster can pass judgment on those different religions that also use altars and also burn incense to go with prayer? How is it okay for one faith and not for another? Maybe because the angels are doing it. Whatever, man.
4 Then there is a lengthy description of hail and fire and all kinds of crazy shit falling from the sky along with the sun and moon being darkened. Now, those of the Gospel of Disaster are crafty in trying to make all of this sound like doomsday,
5 But the simple truth is they are describing meteor showers, asteroids, comets, and solar and lunar eclipses. They can try all they want to make it sound as scary and horrible as possible, but these things are what they are and it is no mystery.
6 Now we get to the crazy of the crazy prophecies where there is a great hole that opens up that thick smoke spews out of, and with the smoke these mega locusts with scorpion stingers come out and hurt all the people who do not believe the Gospel of Disaster.
7 Now, what is interesting is these scorpion-locust thingies are supposedly given the power to torture all men without the seal of the God of Disaster, torture them for not believing in the Gospel of Disaster. Nice.
8 So, never mind freewill, right? Because if you have to believe in something in order to not get tortured and burned in hell forever, well then your ass don’t be havin’ no goddamn freewill, you dig?
9 Getting to the part where the four angels who were supposedly holding the four corners of the earth, quite a feat considering the roundness of this planet, were loosed these same angels are supposedly given the power to kill a third of the people on earth.
10 And why would they be given this most dastardly assignment? Why, all of this mayhem is intended to turn the hearts of men to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. Sound like a nice God to you? Believe in me or die? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that?
11 It gets better, though. Another angel makes yet another announcement in which followers of the Gospel of Disaster are referred to as the slaves of the God of Disaster. Here we go again with the disastrous faithful being labeled as slaves.
12 True faith never, ever enslaves anyone. But that is typical of the Gospel of Disaster to try to force their bitter pills down the throats of people under the promise that someday it shall taste sweet. It is all a big giant crock.
13 Then there are the two witnesses that have all kinds of power over the natural processes of the earth. They can make rain or stop rain. They can make fire come from out of their mouths to devour their enemies and turn water to blood.
14 And why would these men do this? Again, it is supposedly all for the purpose of making people believe in the Gospel of Disaster. People do not choose to believe the Gospel of Disaster, they are frightened into believing it.
15 The voice said to me, Look into their scriptures and you will find mention of a mighty quake that kills thousands and thousands of people, and those still alive are so scared and terrified that they immediately praise and give glory to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. This is not choice. This is not freewill. This is not the love of God.
16 The very idea that any being would rule by persistent and consistent use of fear is indicative of such a ruler being a tyrant and not in the least bit worthy of a leadership position, much less the adoration of followers.
17 Then comes the description of a whole bunch of stories that all sound incredibly similar to the stories of creation and destruction found in cultures all over the earth and from many different times in history.
18 There are descriptions of a dragon chasing a lady who is helped by an eagle and who eventually has some kids. Then the dragon gets pissed and spits out a river to destroy the woman, but the earth opens up and swallows the water, helping the woman.
19 Then you have a mega beast loaded with heads and horns coming up out of the ocean. Not only that, but this beast is a patch quilt since it has body parts from a lion, a bear, and a leopard. Sounds like someone went shopping for monster parts at the thrift shop.
20 It gets better. So, then this mega beast has another mega beast pal come up out of the earth. This beast don’t look no prettier than his predecessor.
21 Together the two beasts go about the world trying to force people to believe their brand of religious hodge-podge, and if they don’t believe it then they cannot buy or sell food, an shit. Sounds awfully similar to not allowing people to live unless they believe in the Gospel of Disaster.
22 These stories are nothing new in reality. They are all the same stories people have swapped over thousands and thousands of years in an effort to amuse themselves, and somewhere along the line people started taking the shit for real.
23 None of it is anything new or special or unusual or enlightening. All that happens is throughout history the characters are shuffled around a bit, names are changed, and ta-da! You’ve got a whole new set of religious stories on your hands.
1 And the voice once again said to me, Listen and write these things down so that people may know of the absolute stupidity with which they try to control each other through what they hold as faith,
2 For their ridiculousness travels to the furthest reaches of the mind and of the universe and all that is.
3 And they say some of the wackiest shit, like when they say that one hundred and forty-four thousand men will be standing around a throne and singing a song no one else can learn since they, the guys singing, are virgins and the other people aren’t.
4 Then comes this gi-normous war called Armageddon where everything and everyone that is contrary in the least bit to what those of the Gospel of Disaster preach are completely decimated and destroyed,
5 And as if that were not enough of a punishment, after these rabble rousers are decimated they are made to live an eternity in absolute torment.
6 And all of this po-dunk crap is what the Gospel of Disaster is about, ‘aight? Destruction and torture of those who either wish to believe otherwise, or maybe not even believe in anything at all.
7 That is not a message of salvation.
8 All those who choose to worship all that is divine from a different angle are called idolatrous and evil and wicked, never mind that all of these religions have the same symbols, albeit under different names and in different orders.
9 That is not a message of redemption.
10 All those who do not live according to how those of the Gospel of Disaster say to live are automatic enemies of the God of Disaster and his followers, unless, of course, they change their minds and decide to live as they are told.
11 That is not a valid message of hope and faith, and absolutely nowhere near anything even remotely similar to freewill or the exercise thereof.
12 So, what happens when the supposed end of time passes? Why, there will be celebration in heaven, but only a celebration attended by those who bought the Gospel of Disaster hook, line, and sinker.
13 The Gospel of Disaster is nothing but a vengeful conglomeration of spiteful words and prophecies intended only to divide people and give just cause to those who would wreak terrible destruction on those who believe differently, or not at all.
14 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches so much hate and so much destruction and so much misery.
15 It is wrong to rejoice in something that devours hope and revokes even the half-assed promises made to men.
16 It is wrong to rejoice in something that is persistent in preaching the cutting down of those who believe differently, smiting here and smiting there wherever a differing faith and opinion can be found.
17 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches only one way and one answer and one vision and one faith and one understanding of love and one path, for just as there are men and have been and ever will be, there are many paths and faiths and answers and understandings of all that love is.
18 And no matter how much death and destruction is preached by anyone this cannot change the truth of love and the truth of everything in love and of love and for love and to love that comprises all of that which is God.
1 Do not be deceived by the fear that so many will try to teach and preach, for giving into such fear can only take from the goodness of all that surrounds you.
2 Of course, that does not mean your ass needs to go out and start harassing those of the Gospel of Disaster, no. Simply don’t listen or give into their bullshit that always ends up dividing people one way or another.
3 God and salvation and redemption and everything that is love is not just for those who chose to worship the Gospel of Disaster or any other similar faith or any different faith, or whatever.
4 God and salvation and redemption and love and wealth of being and of who the individual is, well that is for everyone, and it doesn’t matter what the fuck you choose to believe, you dig?
5 So, contrary to what some faiths may believe they do not own the sole rights to these things.
6 Simply live you for who you are. Find your joy and run with it, developing it unto perfection and adding something beautiful to the world and the earth and the people around you with each life that you live.
7 There are so very many beautiful things to experience and to share, and that simply cannot be done by limiting faith and love and hope and peace and all such things.
8 Find the faith that fits you, a healthy faith that does not preach salvation through fear. And if you grow out of that faith then find another. And if you decide you do not wish to have a faith, then don’t have one.
9 It really isn’t that difficult for a mind to grasp.
10 Live to love, and love to live.
11 Do not live to instill fear. Do not live to instill hate. Do not live to encourage division. Do not live to hold one faith over another.
12 Live to love, and love to live.
13 When someone tries to bully you with hellfire and damnation, walk away. Do not allow such ridiculous fear into your life and heart and mind.
14 And live for the day! Everyday is a good day, ‘aight? Sometimes the situations of the day can be pretty shitty, but the day is all good so take that and run with it and do something wonderful and beautiful with it.
15 Do not waste your time neglecting the present in exchange for something that is less than a giant maybe. Maybe does not cut the mustard. This is a precise universe that does not deal with maybes. Maybes are only in the minds of people.
16 And the more that people decide to live with an open heart and mind the more and more beautiful life everywhere becomes, because that is life. You don’t have to be a member of a special faith in order to see the beauty of life. Just open your eyes.
17 Live the way you are intended to live and bring honor and joy everywhere you go, and when you converse with your fellow man look at the things that you have in common instead of distorting the things you think separate you,
18 For the supposed separation perceived by so many who are steeped in fear is a lie. And wars have been fought and continue to be fought and will be fought because of this lie,
19 And it is this terrible lie that says, My God is better than your God. My faith is better than your faith. My understanding is better than your understanding. Yea, even, I am going to heaven and you are going to hell. But do not allow this lie to become your truth.
20 Live in compassion and love and joy and peace and hope and happiness and you will find all is yours.
21 This is the truth, and no amount of fear or spiritual terrorist teaching can change it. No amount of any faith claiming to be the one and only truth can change this. No amount of threats of an Armageddon or final judgment can change this.
22 Living in fear, spiritual or otherwise, is not a normal way of life. This being the case, stop living as if it were.
23 May all that is great and grand and glorious in this most excellent universe find its way to you, and may the love of all that comprises what God is always be seeded deep within your heart, an’ that shit, my homey, be how it really be goin’ down.
24 Peace out.
Ester Lighthorse's Fourth Book:
The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops
This book is a novella presentation of the short-comings, persecutions, destructive nature, and lies of Christianity. The following presents chapters five and six of "The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops" as a reading sample.
The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops
Regina Stoops was a woman of many talents. Highly intelligent and gifted in the arts of persuasion she was the master manipulator of all manipulators. Her intuitive powers were uncanny, and if a person was afraid of her she could smell that fear from a long ways away. She did not hesitate to utilize the fear she sensed in others to suit her own means and ends.
A woman of old, Regina had more than just been around the block a few times. She was the one who had designed and built the block. She knew every nook and cranny, every shortcut, every alley way, every shadow. With ruthless precision she delegated the who, what, when, where, and why. It was not very often that she was bested by anyone, and whenever something like that did happen it was always a direct result of some asshole or other failing to follow instruction.
She prided herself in the manner in which she had raised her only son, Christianity Stoops. From his very birth she taught him how to garner respect and instill fear. She taught him how to control and direct the minds of men. And in the event that those he led turned on him, she also taught her son how to slip through the judgments of humanity, re-create and re-invent himself, and then re-integrate into society.
The death of her son was not a complete surprise to her. She knew damn well he was more than in just a little trouble health-wise. So, she had been biding her time and planning everything perfectly so that she would be able to render the proper treatment to cure that which ailed him. Unfortunately, for all of her intuitive abilities she had underestimated just how very deathly ill her son was. That was okay, though. She could work this out. She could make it work to her advantage. There was always a way to get done what needed to be done, and she always found that way.
Something wasn’t quite right, though, and ever since leaving Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital she had felt an uneasy queasiness pecking away at her gut. At first it was relatively easy to push such thoughts away, marking it up to the stress of the situation. As the day pressed on it became harder and harder to ignore the feeling that something was terribly wrong. And now the feeling had settled over everything within her and without her like the thick blankets of doom that would settle over the Midwestern farms right before a brigade of tornadoes tore everything to shreds.
Looking at Don as he gazed forlornly through the airport terminal window she immediately regretted not acting on her gut instincts to personally check whether or not the body of her son had been switched according to plan. In many respects, seeing was believing for Regina Stoops. She considered herself to be a woman of honor and expected people to take her at her word, yet detested taking people at their word. She liked to see things for herself, needed to see things for herself. It was better that way because then she could say without a doubt that she knew something for sure.
It would have been as simple as unzipping the body bag upon arrival at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology and giving her ‘son’ a goodbye kiss on the forehead. In the few seconds it would have taken to do so she would have been able to tell whether or not her son was still in the bag or if he had been switched as instructed. The ringer corpse she had arranged to switch with her son’s body had all of the same tattoos, but was in far better physical condition. Under no circumstance did she want anyone to discover the true condition of the health of her son.
After leaving Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology in the hearse, Don had received a text on his cell phone that said “It is done.” It had been from Mordecai. Sitting so close together in the front of the hearse Regina had seen that the text had been from Mordecai. But, not wanting to make a scene in front of the hearse driver she had said nothing. Instead she looked straight ahead out of the windshield, forcing her bubbling temper to remain in check.
And there was something else bothering her and gnawing at the fringes of her mind and begging to be brought front and center. It was something that had to do with the loading of her son’s body onto the hearse at Kelsey Memorial. Was it the hearse? No. Was it the gurney? No. Had she left something important at the hospital, maybe her identification or her purse? No. She had those things with her. What was it?
She continued to brood over it and systematically began replaying the entire morning in her mind, checking things off as she recollected them. She was absolutely confident she would figure it out, probably in a rogue thought of instant illumination.
Now as she approached Don in the airport terminal she wondered what in the hell else had gone wrong? And there was so very much that felt wrong, wasn’t there? Even though Mordecai (one of Regina’s least favorite people on the planet, a person whom she had given strict instruction to Don to NOT use in any part of their planning) had indicated that the switch had been done there were a million other things that could have gone wrong.
Maybe someone noticed the extra-wide shape of the hearse and the extended thickness of the floor and decided to investigate. Maybe the mechanism in the floor that held the body of her son malfunctioned and they were having trouble getting him out. Maybe the private plane she had chartered to fly her son’s body out to Hawaii had met with disaster. Even if all of these things had happened she could fix them. It sure as hell would not be easy, but it could be done. Besides, what were the odds that so much or everything would go wrong?
But with each step back to the airport terminal where she had left Don she wished she would have at least tried to look in the body bag before leaving Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. She would have felt much better at least seeing to that part for herself. If it was up to her, hell, she would do everything that needed to be done all by herself. Why? Because she trusted no one more that she trusted herself.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to read Don’s body language and tell something was very wrong. He was resting his head on the window, hands stuffed in his pockets and shoulders sagging forward. His posture gave Regina the impression that he was desperately trying to disappear, or at least make himself smaller so that he would be more difficult for her to spot. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had known that this was going to happen. She knew that somewhere along the line Don would stray from her path of instruction and end up fucking things over royally. This had happened every single time she had needed to come to the aid of her son in such an over-the-top, dramatic fashion.
“Don?” Regina called to him. She watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. She felt the anger within her building up in her heart and filling it, metamorphosing into rage. That rage increased exponentially with each breath she took in, sharply slicing away at the self-control she used to tame her temper. She felt her control slipping, the white-hot embers of her wrath beginning to spill over and course through her veins to every part of her body. She would kill him for sure. Not here in the airport, but she would definitely kill him. And just to show him how true to her word she was she would make his death long and suffering and terrible.
And make no mistake about it he would deserve every bit of it.
“Don?” Regina called out to him again. “ Don?” She thought for a moment he was doing something he had never done before. Ignoring her. “Don!” She absentmindedly clenched her fists. “I am talking to YOU, Don! Turn around!”
He didn’t want to turn around, but he did. She saw that his eyes were wide with fear and tendrils of approval shot through her body. Now standing only a few feet from him she saw the sweat that beaded on his forehead and she knew that whatever news he had for her it was going to be the worst. Far worse than she would have ever expected.
“R-Regina,” he stammered, “there’s, ah, there’s been some unfortunate developments.” He swallowed and his throat clicked dryly.
“Has there been?”
“Yes. The, uhm…our son-”
“MY son,” Regina corrected Don.
“Yes. Your son. He…uhm…” Don began to fiddle with the change in his pockets. Regina’s hands twitched, begging to fly to Don’s throat, to interlock their fingers, and then to shake whatever information this happy asshole was trying to say out of his mouth.
“You know, Don, it would be better for you to just get out whatever it is you are having trouble with. You already know I am pissed. At the very least that should be obvious. So, why not save us both the added trouble and come out with it?”
“He’s not on the plane to Hawaii.”
“Uhm-hum. So, where is he?” She took a step forward directly into Don’s personal space. He tried to take a step back and met with the wall.
“He’s not here at the airport,” Don almost whispered.
“Then WHERE is he, Don? Or maybe you would rather play twenty questions?” Regina’s voice had started to rise. Her lips pulled back from her teeth in a snarl as she spoke, “Is he still in the hearse?”
“No,” Don answered in a very small voice.
“Did the hearse driver go back to Kelsey? Is his body still there?”
“No,” Don answered, and Regina could smell the sour acid that was bubbling in his stomach on his breath.
“Then WHERE is he?”
“At Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology.”
Christ. This was very bad news indeed.
“Is that so?” Regina’s expression darkened. “And why, pray tell, is my son still there?” Don saw that Regina’s expression was not the only thing that had darkened. He could no longer see the pupils in her aqua blue eyes. Neither could he see the aqua blue of the iris.
Regina’s eyes were completely and totally black.
Don felt his bladder spasm, and if it hadn’t been for the fact he had emptied his bladder twenty minutes ago in the men’s room of the terminal he would have urinated on himself.
“They are doing…an autopsy…on him. As we speak the doctors are examining his body-” Don’s words were cut short. Regina’s hand had moved with a swiftness that ninjas only dreamt about, leaving a perfect, red hand mark that covered the majority of the right side of his face. Don cried out in pain and terror, pissing off Regina even more who promptly brought her other hand across the other side of Don’s face.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Regina screamed into his face, and just like that her conscious mind locked onto what was wrong about loading her son onto the hearse over at Kelsey Memorial.
There were no camera crews filming the event.
Not her special camera crew or anyone else’s. At least none that she could see, at any rate.
“You STUPID mother fucker!” she exclaimed through clenched teeth. The cords in her neck stood out ferociously and her face burned crimson. “You forgot to call the mother FUCKING camera crew? What the fuckey-DOO am I gonna tell everyone now, you goddamn imbecile?!”
Don instinctively looked around the terminal for help, but save for the mother and two children who were scurrying away from that particular airport terminal and down the hallway to, well, to someplace else, there was no one.
“Regina! Please!” Don begged as he brought his hands up to protect his face. “I didn’t know! I didn’t know!”
“Didn’t know what? Huh? How to follow fucking simple instructions?” Regina roared, violently grabbing him by the lapels and jerking his face so close to her own that their noses almost touched.
“Mordecai! Mordecai! He didn’t mean to send the text saying it was done to me! He made a mistake! A mistake! He was sending the text to-” Don broke off mid sentence as he felt himself lifted and thrown like a child’s rag doll over three rows of chairs. His body turned and twisted in the air, and when he came down he landed awkwardly on the side of his head, his neck twisting, shoulder crunching, and back painfully scraping the metal armrest of one of the chairs.
“YOU!” Regina screamed like a banshee in pain, moving with the eerie swiftness of an owl’s shadow in the light of a midnight moon.
“No! Regina, please!” Don begged as he righted himself and tried to stand up. “Mordecai didn’t even make it into the hearse! H-he was h-high on m-meth-” Don screamed as Regina half crouched and grabbed his testicles in one hand and his neck in the other. She threw him again, this time her uncontrolled anger propelling him even further. He hit the top of the airline check-in desk and skittered across the top sending papers flying every which way. His momentum carried him off of the desk and he promptly landed in a large clay flowerpot that broke.
Don rolled to his side amidst the dark, peaty dirt and broken pieces of pottery. He knew Regina was coming for him. He could feel her coming for him, her black agate eyes shining with hate and the fingers of both her hands pulled into talons that were more than ready and willing to quite literally reduce him to a pile of ribbons.
He lost his balance as he tried to stand up and thrust his hands out to catch himself. His hands came down on the razor sharp pieces of broken pottery and he cried out in pain and fear. He had hit his temple quite hard when he landed on the desk and his ears were ringing so he sensed more that heard Regina moving behind him. He swayed as he stood up and turned to face her, his bleeding palms held out in surrender.
“Plea-” Don had intended to tell Regina that he was pretty sure that the only people who had seen the real body of Christianity Stoops were the two doctors performing the autopsy. Well, the two doctors and maybe their assistants who probably didn’t do much more than measure, weigh, and take pictures of the body, however that went. He didn’t get very far with what he wanted to say when an explosion of stars speckled his vision.
Regina had spun smartly around on the ball of one foot and connected one of her fists with Don’s jaw. Three of Don’s molars broke off where the crowns met the gum-line and he fell back, arms pin wheeling and legs collapsing. Feeling a sharp pain in his throat he numbly realized in a far away thought that he had swallowed a tooth. He fell hard on the floor and a random thought flitted across his mind: My foot feels different. He had lost one of his shoes.
Then Regina was upon him like a great and terrible monster released from a pit, wrapping her hands around his throat and squeezing with hellish force. She kicked one leg back mimicking a donkey kick and then brought her knee straight into his crotch with deadly aim. The world started to swim away from Don in a wave of white-hot sparks that occurred in a realm of pain he never knew existed, much less ever experienced.
Right before he passed out he realized he had indeed peed his pants after all.
It was one of the few times in her life that she was almost NOT able to take control of her temper and make herself stop. She very nearly killed Don right there in the airport terminal. It would not have been the end of the world if she had, but it wouldn’t exactly have been an easy situation to deal with.
Instead she found herself coming out of her haze of rage as she saw that her fingers were buried deep in the neck of Don, his lifeblood seeping around the fingers that finally realized what they were doing.
Regina’s breath caught in her throat as her brain registered the red blood that poured forth from Don and onto her hands. She pulled her hands away from his throat and it seemed as though they cried out in silent protest, begging to finish the job of silencing yet another unworthy comrade whom they had detested for so long.
She felt the ebb of his life tip-toeing in the precipice of death. She was not sorry for what she had done, but she was sorry she found it necessary to save him when she was so close to completely and totally expunging the idiot from the face of the planet.
Closing her horribly solid black agate eyes Regina took a slow, deep breath and reopened her eyes. They were back to their normal aqua blue color. She realized she was still atop Don, her right knee buried in his groin, and she moved her knee and straddled him. She took his arms and arranged each one straight out and then moved from her straddling position to pull Don’s legs straight.
Then she reached over to where the broken flowerpot pieces lay scattered amidst the dark, peaty soil that it had once held and grabbed two fistfuls of the soil.
She did not feel the pair of young eyes watching her.
Taking the soil over to Don she placed it on his neck, laying it thickly where the blood had been draining from his body. Three more times she grabbed large fistfuls of the soil and placed it on Don’s neck and face and in his ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. When she was done she leaned forward and whispered into one of his soil-clogged ears.
Don’s eyes flickered open and he sat up suddenly.
“Regina! You’re all right!” Don spat clots of soil from his mouth and began to furiously slap the soil from his face and eyes and ears and nose. “Where is he? Where did he go?!” Don demanded as he tried to stand up. His ankle buckled and cried out at the sharpness of the hot pain, crumpling back down to the floor.
“Yes, Don! I’m all right!” Regina said in a frightened voice. She caught Don as he crumpled to the floor after trying to stand, “No, Don. Don’t try standing. Your ankle might be broken. Oh, Don!” She threw her arms around her husband and hugged him fiercely. “The man threw the flowerpot at you and then ran. I was worried you were badly hurt and did not see which way he ran as I was tending to you. Oh, thank God you’re okay!”
Regina helped Don slap away the soft clumps of soil that clung to his shirt. His hair stood out from his head in crazy directions, the silver of his age darkened by the dirt in his hair. Don felt the moisture on his neck and his shirt felt sticky with it. He touched his hand to his shirt and then looked at his hand. For some reason he was sure he would see that the moisture on his hand would be his own blood. It wasn’t.
“Oh you poor dear,” Regina crooned. “He threw his drink on you right before he punched you! You stumbled back and gave him quite a kick to the chest, and then he fell, picked up the flowerpot, and threw it at you!” She touched his cheek and he winced away in pain. “Don’t worry, Hon. I called security from the phone over there. They will be here any minute. Don?” He was looking at something on the floor with a curious expression. “What is it?” He put a finger in his mouth, felt around a moment, and then picked up two small items from the floor.
“The attacker knocked out three of my molars!” Don exclaimed and then put his finger back into his mouth to confirm. “Here are two of them,” he held out his palm. Two crowns of two molars stared up at Regina from his palm. She took in the sight with genuine surprise. Don began to look around on the floor for the third crown, not that finding it would really make any difference. “Do you see the third tooth?” he asked her.
“Uhm, no,” she answered as she too began to search for it. “Maybe you swallowed it.”
Two hours later Don and Regina Stoops were the only passengers on a specially chartered flight from Los Angeles, California, to Epperson, Colorado. Don’s right leg was in a cast from the knee down. His ankle had been broken. When the security personnel at the airport had discovered that Don and Regina Stoops had been attacked they initiated an immediate shut-down of that section of the airport and embarked on a room by room search for the perpetrator. Unfortunately, the wily attacker had made his getaway.
The attack on Don and Regina Stoops was all over the news, national and international. Regularly scheduled shows had been excitedly pushed aside on nearly every television station to instead focus on bringing to the public the latest information of the unfolding drama of what was now being referred to as the ‘Crisis on Calvary.’
News anchors around the world relayed the story of how Don and Regina Stoops had found their son collapsed on the kitchen floor of his home just that morning. He had come around and complained to his parents that he was having a hard time breathing and his chest ached terribly. At first he had refused his parents’ pleas to be taken to the hospital, but when he felt his breathing become more difficult and his chest hurt even more Christianity relented. Don and Regina had taken him to Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital where he died a short time later. Memorial services were pending the autopsy results.
The television channels would flash pictures of Christianity and his parents at various stages of his life as the voice of the news anchors continued in the background. Arial pictures of the swelling crowds at Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital were also shown. The crowds there had grown ten times in size after the news of Christianity Stoops’ death had been broadcast.
The news reported that after their son had died Don and Regina Stoops left Epperson, Colorado, and took a flight to Los Angeles, California, to be with family members. Upon arriving at the airport Don and Regina had deplaned and were exiting the terminal when a man approached Don Stoops and yelled at him that he (Don) and Regina were guilty of taking away the light of the world by allowing their son to die. The man then threw his milkshake on Don and punched him. A short fight ensued wherein Don had three teeth knocked out. By the time security had arrived the attacker had made his getaway.
Regina Stoops stared out of the small plane window onto the white cotton candy accumulation of clouds below. To her the story that she had spun on such short notice and planted in Don’s mind sounded thin, quite thin indeed. But, it would simply have to do until she came up with something better. All she needed was a short nap and a little bit of time to focus more clearly on what her objectives were.
She took her eyes away from the window and closed her eyes and breathed in a deep and silent sigh. Without opening her eyes she reached for the button on her armrest that would put her seat into a declining position and pushed it. The seat eased back, not quite as much as she would have liked, but it would do.
Pushing all other concerns from her mind Regina began to focus on what she needed most. First of all, she needed to figure out how she would deal with the discoveries that the doctors doing the autopsy on her son had no doubt already made and would eventually release to the public. What were they likely to say? That they had been doing an autopsy on a man that had two fully functioning hearts? It really didn’t matter whether or not the people receiving such absurd news believed what the doctors had to say. The very assertion of such a thing would dig up and revive too many old arguments, and this time more people would be willing to listen to what the opposition of Regina Stoops had to say. She simply could not have that.
Then there was the fact that almost no one knew that Christianity Stoops was at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. This would have been so much easier to deal with if the bodies had been switched as planned, but it was a moot point to think of such. She had to be the first to mention that her son’s body was no longer at Kelsey Memorial. And wherever she decided to say that her son’s body was it sure as hell could not be Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. This meant she had a hell of a lot of lying to do.
Mordecai was a loose end (a loose end of Don’s creation) that would definitely have to be tied or burnt off. The doctors at Kelsey Memorial were not really a problem since Regina knew they would say whatever she asked them to. Don might think he was in control of that top of the line, state-of-the-art facility, but he was sadly mistaken. She was the one who was really behind the decisions of which doctors got to work there, which health programs and insurances were accepted, which new and amazing treatment discoveries were released to the public, and the protocol by which walk-in patients were accepted or turned away. The driver of the hearse that had held her son was nothing more than a sniveling idiot who could very easily be controlled with even the faintest promise of an Eight-Ball. And even if she decided to kill him, which she just might, no one would miss such a forgettable human being.
No. The good folks over at Kelsey Memorial were not the ones that really concerned her. It was the good-for-nothing snoops over at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology that worried her. Doctors Roe and Seng had quite the reputation for getting directly to the heart of a matter, defining the problem, and suggesting a course of treatment that almost always worked. She had no control whatsoever over that facility. It was privately run and privately funded, and the doctors that worked there were the cream of the creamiest crop. They were brain-buster men and women who made a very good living leaving nothing to mere chance or simple belief. They were the most dangerous of people since they questioned everything, even their own conclusions.
Regina had never really wanted her son sent to Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. All she wanted was the reputation that they had for finding and defining the truth, truth that was supposed to be found in what was the ringer corpse for her son. Unfortunately for her, the situation had more than gotten a little out of hand. It had taken a complete nose-dive into the realm of the Twilight Zone where everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong, and then some.
In the long distant past Regina had had some run-ins with the faculty of Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. At first whenever they released a study or a treatment that she did not approve of she set about digging in her heels and doing everything possible to discredit them. However, because of their strict policy of finding solutions through consistent questioning and reasoning she had great difficulty in denouncing any of their claims. Eventually she resorted to agreeing with them on a limited basis, or simply taking whatever findings they made public and misinterpreting them in ways that were subtle, yet terribly damaging to those receptive of the misinterpreted information.
She did not know how much information the doctors performing the autopsy had shared within the walls of their own institution. Deciding to play it safe she told herself to assume they had shared everything with everyone inside their own walls. Yet, without any current negative press about either herself or her son on the news she felt confident that they had not yet shared any of their information with anyone on the outside.
Doctors Roe and Seng would definitely have to go, along with anyone else they told. But you just said they probably shared everything they discovered with everyone in their facility, she told herself. True. Very true. That left only one solution.
Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology, all of it, would have to go…lock, stock, and barrel.
Regina opened her eyes with a start and glanced over at Don. He was in the next row over, plaster cast ankle propped up on the seat across from him, and head tilted back in a snore. Her lips slowly curled into a slight smile. She knew just how to deal with Roe and Seng and their special little facility.
And as an added bonus, hell, she could get rid of the idiot sitting across the isle.
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