From: Terry Feckless
To: Express English
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 7:50 PM
Dear Express English
I am interested in working at your school. How much do you pay? My CV is attached.
From attached CV:
From: Express English
To: Terry Feckless
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 9:23 AM
Subject: Re: Vacancies
Dear Mr Feckless
Thank you for your interest in working at Express English, a dynamic school in the heart of Turdsville. Owing to our runaway success in attracting new students, we are expanding rapidly and do have vacancies for instructors.
The salary affords a comfortable standard of living within Dystopia compared to that of most local people.
I note from your CV that you do not appear to have a university degree. Is this correct? Also, please could you tell me where you did your “TEFL certificate”.
Express English, Blok Z KR-3678/9 III, Outer Expressway 7, Northwest Turdsville 12089, Dystopia
I did one year of a BA in Media Studies & Swimming at the University of Bakerloo, but I could not continue because of circumstances beyond my control. My TEFL certificate is from www.eflquals_r_us.com.
How much is the salary? What is Turdsville like? Is there a good night life?
While we usually require a university degree and an ELT certificate from an approved institution, I am prepared to make an exception in your case, based on your experience.
Tursdville is a bustling city which has largely been constructed in the last eight months. While it lacks some of the modern facilities we associate with Western cities, it has a lively atmosphere that blends the traditional customs of the Dystopians with their eagerness to acquire the benefits of rapid development.
As a home bird myself, I can’t tell you much about the night life. Of course, there is Turdsville’s huge red-light district, serving the needs of the migrant workforce, and I believe there is a monthly disco in the Sheraton Hotel (a bit pricey).
I have a few questions:
I read on the Internet that there were riots in Turdsville last year and some foreigners were killed. Is it safe now?
First, let me reassure you about the security situation here. Obviously, the embassies have to protect themselves, so they bend over backwards to be cautious. The recent advice from the British Embassy—Do not under any circumstances go to Turdsville, Dystopia, unless you are stark raving bonkers—should be taken with a pinch of salt. I have lived here now for several months and seen hardly any incidents.
To answer your other points:
So, when are you coming?
Thanks for the information. I still have a few questions.
Promotion prospects at Express English are excellent. There is every chance you will become a Senior Teacher, if not the Director of Studies, within a month or two.
I may not be the right person to ask about Dystopian women! You will have to ask Emilio. They are certainly very strong.
Sorry, I thought I had already told you about the salary. It is being reviewed, so it may increase before you arrive. At present it is 136 billion wobli a month (after tax).
There are about 270,000,000 wobli to the US dollar, so this means the monthly salary is $503.70. How can you live on that?
I never was any good at maths, I’m afraid, but if you say it’s around $500, I expect you’re right!
Frankly, it’s best not to think in terms of other currencies, but about how far the money will go in Turdsville. Obviously, if you choose to frequent places like the Sheraton (where a small bottle of imported beer costs 2.7 billion wobli), your salary will not go very far. However, at a roadside food stall a large serving of the staple food, blup (a sort of dumpling boiled with cabbage), costs only 29 million. Some local people earn as little as 3 billion a month, so you will be 45 times richer than them!
We really want to open a TOEFL class next week, so can you get here before then?
Dear Mr Terry
How do you do? Yes please, I am, and to introduce.
Maureen go and Emilio also, very bad peoples, now we have nothing foreigner so please to come at once we answer all question after you here, I make Special Offer good salary you DOS and have plenty Dystopia girl they very like Western man even old and ugly man they still like, no problem.
P.S. Also many homo boy here, also like Western man.
Dear Mr Wondo
I’m booked on Dystopian Airlines flight DY 4562 arriving Turdsville 10 August 2230 hours local time. My friend Kevin is also coming. (Can he be a Senior Teacher?) Please meet us at the airport.