In Praise of Step Moms - Article by Ocean
I was raised by a step mom.
And, my own mother was a step mom.
Steps are prevalent in American society, if not in most of the world.
Just having spoken with a bitter person in my family, someone who’s abandoned a number of children and who has just unloaded an unruly teenager onto his father and his current wife’s care, I had learned that the child, who had before, made good grades, is now, apparently, following the directives of this parent - the bitter one - who now wants to “play” the “fun” parent, meanwhile sticking all the daily work, wear and tear, and responsibility onto the step mom.
The real father, of course, is also a runaway parent, via being a workaholic.
I, myself, even if I had the slightest inclination to further overburden the already overpopulated world with another child, would never take on the responsibility of a step child - not for anything.
I have seen first hand how difficult is this task.
Thankless at best, vilified universally, surrounded by a hostile pack, a step parent who even tries this impossible job is a hero or heroine, and, by default, a martyr.
Passing the buck, shirking the job of raising a pre-teen, a toddler, an infant, or even a well-behaved little kid, is in itself reprehensible, and, as in this case, understandable as only the great good luck of the child who at least will not now be exposed to the bi-polar nightmare of his genetic parent - the craziest of two, that is.
So, in this plane of excuses, of meddling, envious parents, of each one jockeying for position, of gossip, spying, and viciousness - observe any monkey colony and you’ll understand what I mean, or watch any Jerry Springer show, for that matter - and you’ll realize that, especially in the case of females, the one who got away from parenting and dumped the child onto a step mom and the old spouse- father, or even the grandmother of the kid, behaves as a maniac, usually, keeping the child in question tethered to an unquestioning loyalty, making sure to have the fun time - keeping secrets about the step mom, who has to be, by default, the un-fun parent, making sure the kid’s clothes are clean, driving to and from school, seeing to the homework doing, and keeping the child alive, monitoring encounters with the opposite sex and with alcohol, etc.
Back-stabbing, and, in this case, sabotaging any attempts by the step mom to encourage the child to keep grades up, the “real” mom snickering, saying it’s fine to make bad grades, “Who cares?”,
and delighting in getting the kid to say he “hates” the step parent.
Turning the formerly good child into, now, a truancy nightmare, into someone who behaves badly, drinks, and now, parties with older kids, and happy as long as she, the real mom, appears to be “fun”, stays popular with the kid, and - with a child’s limited understanding - looks like the one who’s the “victim” of circumstances, a child will lie to himself, will go to any lengths to avoid these hurtful truths - that the real mom ditched the kid, wouldn’t raise him, and prefers to have a remote, easy, conditional relationship with her own kid.
And, that the pathetic step mom, not having asked for this job, has had to take it on, and has to do the best with what she’s been dealt with in life - trying hard to get the kid raised properly, despite the secretive alliance with her bitterest enemy.
Before the kid lived with the step mom and his father, by the way, the mom loved the step mom, as did the kid.
Now, within a month or two, the situation has completely dissolved into some old battlefield from the mother’s past - some sort of sibling rivalry or envious hell that she has resurrected in order to keeping playing the role of hater, rival, and creep.
Will the kid, someday at least, realize the truth?
Too few ever realize it, or will even penetrate the painful truth that they were abandoned by their own parent, for whatever reason.
And far too many will forever blame, hate, and resent actively the, often, sole true parent they’ll ever have - their step mother or father.
Far too many will go on, hungering for their loss, following, craving the attention and deep, true love they never got - and never will get - from the absent parent, romanticizing the relationship, hanging on every word, and taking sides, always, in favor of the perpetrator of the crime of child abandonment/and/or abuse.
Never remembering the one who actually cared - active caring for someone is the real definition of love - the one who listened to your inanities about grade school, the one who made sure your socks were clean, the one who drove you places you needed to go, and who was left, holding the "bag", the baby, actually, or kid, while the blood parent danced through life, scott-free.
Yes, one day you'll miss the true parent - the one who actually stood by you, tended you, and put up with you - it's not easy to raise a child in the very best of circumstances, so find some appreciation, and yes, pity, for the step who, with all the odds against her, became the true mom to you.
Realize this : all moms, DNA'd or otherwise, real moms, that is - meaning the ones who actually stay and parent - scold, fuss, teach things, are on occasion bitchy and impatient, want you to put things away, want you to come home at a decent hour and to make good grades - all the unpopular things that make kids rankled and "hate" their moms or stepmoms.
Did you ever stop to think that being a mom - meaning, actually momming, is elective? Anyone can just trapse off, abandoning kids, (but, thankfully, only the most evil among us do so), creating excuses as they create havoc in innocent lives - so think of it - if you're lucky enough to have a mother, step or blood, who tends you and keeps you, remember that it's really a hard, thankless job, a long, long job, and one that takes the very life away from the stepmom or actually mommying mom.
Don't you think they, too, if they lacked morals, could just free themselves, live for themselves, and take the easy route out, despite the unhealable wound abandoners inflict on their children?
Yes, even if you're better off without the offending runaway parent, still, the hurt is unfillable. Look among all the addicts and find either absent or abusive mothers, the pathetic ones who try their whole lives to fill that void by either forcing mates to take the rage they carry for the abandoner and/or by doing drugs or drinking themselves, ultimately, to death - still pining away for the mother love they will never get - and will die still needing.
If you have a brain, think of all your stepmom has done - and did not have to do - remembering that all moms get in different moods, so don't think that only stepmoms are crabby and make rules you don't want to follow - (actually, it's the ones who care enough to go against your own wishes who truly care - the compliant, "yes, it's OK...whatever..." mothers just don't care enough) - and go and thank her, if she's still alive, and cherish her for the very fact that she chose to be your mother.
And drop the lie you tell yourself about your blood mother caring about you.
If she had, she would have raised you. No excuses. Billions of others manage, despite all the hardships. Face the truth - it will set you free.
And read Alice Miller's excellent work on this.
Do us all a favor in life, will you all?
If you’re not prepared to get married, stay married, be spiritual, make lifetime commitments and honor them no matter what - do not have babies.
And, no matter what, adopt instead - there are millions of unwanted, starving babies right this second dying while selfish Westerners shop for hyper-expensive clothing for some unwanted accessory of an expected child who will, one day, become one of the step children of whom I speak.
For whom I speak.
Being green and eco means caring.
Caring means thinking of the world as a whole.
Read this too, please:
Think of the world as one household. The house is small, the income fixed, and they cannot move. The family already has a child, and cannot feed another, and yet they think of having another child. Either the quality of life will suffer and each will have less food, they will put one out to starve, close the windows, and not heed his cries, or they will stop having children.
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