Realistic Expectations

posted Dec 14, 2010, 6:45 PM by Ellen Mahloy
It is not uncommon for me to hear women express confusion, frustration and dismay regarding ordinary dating experiences.  I often find myself re-setting expectations of what ordinary dating is like now a days.

Here are some realistic expectations:
  1. The vast majority of the single population is using online dating services (my favorites are OkCupid and Match, thus far).

  2. Most people you date will not be a fit for you for one reason or another.  That isn't a bad thing and it does not mean you are rejected by many.  Everyone has a handful of ideal mates.  Everyone who isn't your ideal mate is a potential friend, life lesson or a person you may set-up with someone else. 

  3. If you date someone slowly - without sex and deep emotional bonding - for 1 to 3 months you will begin to observe deeper levels of compatibility and incompatibility. 

  4. If you remain unattached to the ultimate outcome when dating someone slowly, you will be able to decide objectively if you should invest more time, energy and emotion in taking things to the next level. 

  5. When women have sex with men soon into their acquaintance, men are less likely to pursue a serious relationship with them.  Waiting for men to pursue respectfully and conduct a courtship demonstrates high self esteem, high self love and high value.

  6. The average person does not practice etiquette now a days.  If you do, you will have the advantage of refinement, though your date may or may not recognize or value it. 

  7. Once upon a time, practicing etiquette made most people feel comfortable.  Because most people do not practice etiquette, practicing etiquette today may confuse your date and/or make them uncomfortable. 

  8. If you value the practice of etiquette, it is best if you also cultivate being mannerly so you will be graceful on all dates, not just when your date also practices etiquette. 

  9. Gender roles are all kind of mixed up in romantic social situations in America.  This can be confusing for men and women and I suggest practicing forgiveness when people do not act as you might expect.

  10. Things work best if masculine people pursue feminine people.  Notice I said masculine and feminine, not men and women. 

  11. Masculine women generally prefer feminine men and can pursue them with no issue. 

  12. Truly romantically masculine (straight) women are rare.  What I see often is women who are masculine in their career and feminine romantically.  And many of these women do not know how or when to switch the masculine energy off and turn the feminine energy on.

  13. Things work best when feminine women allure masculine men.  And the men then pursue the women (it's a primal hunter thingy).  Things don't go as well when feminine women pursue masculine men because it neutralizes attraction (masculine energy toward a masculine man = fizzle not sizzle).

  14. The dating process happens in stages.  Experts have different ideas about the stages.  Here is one concept that is generally accepted as a norm: 
    1. Stage 1 is casual dating.  The time frame ranges from 1 to 3 dates with a person and is an initial evaluation period for both people.  It may also be dating someone intermittently or infrequently over a longer period of time.
    2. Stage 2 is steady dating (non-exclusive).  The time frame ranges from date 4 until 3 to 6 months, maybe 9 or 12 months.  Couples generally date this long when they have the potential to develop a deeper connection that may lead to commitment.
    3. Stage 3 is commitment (exclusive and sexual).  And is no longer dating, you're into relationship now.

  15. Some people confuse dating (casual or steady) for being in a committed relationship.  Open communication is the only way to clear things up if a misunderstanding occurs. 

  16. If you have to ask a man if he is your boyfriend, he is not.  If you have to ask a man to become closer to you, he is not interested or able to do so.  Men who wish to be close to and committed to women say it and show it. 

  17. The only men who are mysterious are the ones who are Just Not That Into You.
Food for thought.

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