posted Dec 14, 2010, 6:38 PM by Ellen Mahloy
updated May 12, 2015, 4:11 PM
an online dating service is very popular now a days. And many people
have mixed viewpoints and feelings about it. I've met folks who love
and thrive in the process and I've met those who hate it and think it is
horrible (and they have horror stories to prove it).
noticed is that people who dislike the process of dating, dislike
online dating and the people who enjoy the process of dating, love
online dating. If a person is comfortable with and confident in themselves, online dating plays to their strengths. If not, it brings
out insecurities, which come through in the composition of their
profile, and the result is to go into the process from a position of
If you wish to online date I have some thoughts and suggestions.
greatest power a person's profile has is to rule them out as a
potential date. This might sound pessimistic and unromantic, but it is
about compatibility and efficiency. If you know you will never be
compatible with a smoker, a republican, someone practicing a different
faith, etc., don't date people with these qualities. In other words,
know your deal breakers and abide by them.
- A profile is
not and never will be a substitute for in person chemistry. There are
many factors that go into chemistry - eye contact, body language, how
someone smells, tone of the person's voice, etc. that cannot be assessed
online (not even with a video camera).
- If there are no
deal breakers, accept a date with the person. Most men take terrible
online photos of themselves. My husband held the camera
himself, in bad light on a bad hair day, and he looked like Lurch from
the Adam's Family. Turns out Jeff is quite attractive, but you would never
have known from the photo.
- Your first date should always be short - such as meeting over coffee/tea.
not meet for drinks or dinner or a movie or anything where you are
stuck with someone you don't know for a long period of time. Meet in
the afternoon or early evening for less than an hour. If you really
like the person, go on another date.
- Spend some time
planning the best way to present yourself online. The first thing you
should do is plan to be honest. About half the female profiles go
overboard in one of two directions. Women either lie to make themselves
seem better (that includes putting up an out of date photo) or they
disclose every personal failure they've ever had in an attempt to be
- Keep your expectations realistic. If
you have dated lot of different people you probably don't need this
advice. I find that people who have never dated much or have been in
serial monogamous relationships tend to have unrealistic expectations of
their dates in terms of chemistry and other factors.
people you date will not be your Mr. or Ms. Right. And dating the
person for 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years won't change that fact. You can
get upset about it or you can realize that this is just how it goes
with dating and not take it personally or blame your date.
isn't just about mate selection. It is about learning about yourself
and other people. It is about social interaction and having fun. And
in the process you will likely find someone who fits you like a puzzle
piece. If you expect everyone you date to match your puzzle piece, you will become
hurt and dating will not be fun.
- Don't play games with
yourself or others. I've met men who attempt to sweep every woman they
date off their feet. This is a date type I mention in my workshop. I
call him the Prince Charming. A savvy female dater can spot him, a
naive woman may swoon.
If you think of dating as a game and you
treat dating as a game, you will loose. If you treat other people's
feelings with little regard, you will attract someone who will do the
same to you.
Food for thought.