Jokes
 

News Flash - Hell is Frozen Over

HELL EXPLAINED BY A
CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

 

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If Men Really Ruled The World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be"Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make cards saying, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

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A Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but
it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's
sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love
Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and
dugup the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances. Love Bubba.


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No Pun Intended...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was superb.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
 
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17 Top Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped


17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your dork is ajar.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. I can see your Gap dancers.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has left the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

6. Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I see you have an opening in senior management.


and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..

1. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
 
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10 TOP SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
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39 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid


1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
4. A few beers short of six-pack
5. A few peas short of a casserole
6. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
8. One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
9. One taco short of a combination plate
10. A few feathers short of a whole duck
11. All foam, no beer
12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
13. Has an I. Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
14. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
15. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions on the heel
16. Too much yardage between the goalposts
17. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
18. As smart as bait
19. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
20. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
21. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
22. Forgot to pay his brain bill
23. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
24. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
25. If he had another brain, it would be lonely
26. No grain in the silo
27. Proof that evolution can go in reverse
28. Receiver is off the hook
29. Several nuts short of a full pouch
30. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
31. Dumber than a box of hair.
32. The cheese slid off her cracker.
33. Chimney’s clogged.
34. Her sewing machines’ out of thread.
35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
36. Skylight leaks a little.
37. Slinky’s kinked.
38. Surfing in Nebraska.
39. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
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A Bit Senile

A couple are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary-they go down to their old school-there, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you,
Sally."

On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.

The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."

So they sit the man down and begin to question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get the hell out of here."
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A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

11. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

12. Always drink upstream from the herd.

13. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

14. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

16. There are three kinds of men:

1. The one that learns by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. And the rest of them have to pee pee on the electric fence for themselves.
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A Fractured Fairytale

A modern day Momma Bear !

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty, "Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first,
"It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house,
"It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee,
"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
"It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, "It was Momma Bear who set the table,
"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish,
"And, now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time ...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"
 
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A Little Chilly


Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.

A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.

Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"

"Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too. "

 
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A Little Chinese

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano...wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right ... war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
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10" Bic



Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie??" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimminy!! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
 
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The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:


You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.


You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's the Governor of California .


You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.

That's America .
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You have mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
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EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
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A bad smell

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose".

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the shit out of him died at the scene.
 
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A Little Common Sense

On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
 
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The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".


"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"


"Well, husband#1 was a
Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in
Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from
Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"
Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, ...he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,
he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration;
he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist;
all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a
Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector;
all he ever did was  lick me. God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?


"You're with the

 

GOVERNMENT"..

This time I KNOW I'M gonna

 

get SCREWED."   

 

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