Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
with thanks to Ray
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
" Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was hi s job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him !!.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
with thanks to Ray
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
*1. Life isn't fair,** **but it's still good.*
*2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.*
*3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.*
*4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch**.*
*5. Pay off your credit cards every month.*
*6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.*
*7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.*
*8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.*
*9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.*
*10. When it comes to chocolate,** **resistance is futile.*
*11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.*
*12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.*
*13. Don't compare your life to others.** **You have no idea what their journey is all about.*
*14. If a relationship has to be a secret,** **you shouldn't be in it.*
*15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.*
*16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.*
*17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful,** **beautiful ** or joyful.*
*18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.*
*19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.*
*20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.*
*21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.*
*22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.*
*23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.*
*24. The most important sex organ is the brain.*
*25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.*
*26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words** **'In five years, will this matter?'*
*27. Always choose life.*
*28. Forgive everyone everything.*
*29. What other people think of you is none of your business.*
*30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.*
*31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.*
*32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.*
*33. Believe in miracles.*
*34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.*
*35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.*
*36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.*
*37. Your children get only one childhood.*
*38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.*
*39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.*
*40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.*
*41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.*
*42. The best is yet to come.*
*43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.*
*45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."*
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
with thanks to Cindy
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it.wait for it..
You're just gonna love this..
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