Sunday Family Humour 15th March
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons, presentations and humour for all the family, 15th March and every Sunday
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TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS
Have a fabulous STRESS FREE Day!
Thought for the day
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Piss on it and walk away.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.
Since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The
Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped
and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle
of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
It's all organized by the Swiss..
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
All worth a watch
Beer bottle Dominoes
Having a bad day - (How did they film this?)
This week's spoofs
Government officially registered insane
After a psychological test, all members of the government have been officially registered as insane, and have been transferred out of harms way to a very comfortable nursing home-cum-asylum somewhere near Brighton.
The crunch came as a result of the final question in the test.
Q. What is the best way to solve a financial crisis if you have 65 billion pounds available
a) Give it to a few rich bankers, with no strings attached.
b) Give one thousand pounds to every citizen on the condition that they spend it before Christmas.
All those who answered a) are obviously insane.
Having disposed of the trouble makers, the cleaning staff in Westminster met last night to determine what to do with the bailout money, which had been found in a litter basket in Gordon Brown's old office.
Having traced the ownership of all central and reserve banks to the Rothschild and Rockefeller families and their close relations, they have now deliberated over the validity of this monopoly, and concluded that the banks must be closed down.
Consequently, the bail out originally planned by Gordon Brown is not to go to the monopolised banks as planned, but will go to Florence and Zebidee Blankhouse of 10 Cragg Street, Upper Willesden, whose cousin is the longest serving member of Westminster, having been cleaning the gents toilet for thirty five years.
When asked what he would do with the money, Zebidee said "I will do exactly what the government would do if it wasn't working to some weird agenda. Sixty five billion quid is a huge amount of money, so I will issue vouchers which must be spent in the next year."
"I will issue these vouchers to every legal UK citizen, all sixty plus million of them. Do you realise that Gordon Brown's 'stimulus package' of 65 billion pounds represents over 1000 pounds for every citizen. If every citizen had to spend an additional 1000 pounds within the next 12 months, anyone with an IQ above room temperature can see that would be far more effective at kick-starting the economy than giving the money to a handful of people who have an amazing propensity to making money disappear."
"These people can use their money as they see fit. Each one will receive just over a thousand pounds, so a family of four has over four thousand pounds."
"Our recommendation would be that these people get together, under the newly formed party called The Sane People's Party. They will start their own usury free bank, and completely ignore anything to do with the previous government. Parliament will be treated with the disdain it deserves. HM Government will become as a minority race amongst the indigenous populace, who are extremely grateful for this opportunity to get rid of the oppressive tyrants and to become free of their lunatic machinations."
"Individual small societies will declare themselves as sovereign villages, and will remove all semblance of anything to do with HM Government, and HM.
Squatters rights will be declared on land and all mortgages cancelled, banks will operate without usury, medicine will be placed in the hands of healers instead of business men, education will be placed in the hands of students instead of teachers, military will be abandoned as unnecessary, taxation if any will be purely local and democratically agreed upon, and newspapers will be allowed to be used for packaging on fish and chips.
The changeover to the new arrangements is expected to take place at half past three in the morning, in order to avoid people losing sleep over it.
For those who are unfamiliar with the value of one pound, think of it this way.
The American stimulus fund is 750 billion, for 300 million people. So under these new policies, every American citizen will receive 2500 dollars, to be spent before Christmas. That's ten thousand dollars for a family of four.
During Zebidee's enquiries, he had discovered that today's youngsters are completely disillusioned by the total complexity of Westminster and Washington's politics and sheer lunacy of Wall street and the Square Mile's finance. He confirmed that all citizens had complete free will on what to do with their money, but he recommended that they all contact each other, and decide what the new government will look like.
They had already nominated a spokesman, a brilliant break dancer from Liverpool, who said "In any form of representation, it is essential that the representative understands the desires of every single person they represent. With each of the current 659 MPs representing about 93,000 people, this is impossible. So we have decided to devolve government down to a size where representatives are able to personally know each of their constituents.
We estimate that the maximum number of people that anyone can know well is about 500, so that means a total of just over a million representatives.
Now that the previous incumbents of the palace of Westminster have been transferred to H.M. Asylum, Brighton, everything becomes clear.
Obviously the Palace of Westminster could not hold the required one million plus people, so the palace will revert to its original usage as a Royal Palace, a fitting celebration for its 150th birthday this year. However, in keeping with our concept of disposing of all the ancient stupidity from past paradigms, we are going to create a new Royal Family, who will become responsible for organising raves and concerts throughout the land.
Anyone can enter the National break-dancing and singing contest which will start the day after we receive our vouchers. The winner will be crowned the new King or Queen of England.
Elizabeth is said to be taking lessons in the hopes of retaining her status, but the favourite is a young lady from Wrexham, who hasn't stopped dancing since the day she could first stand upright. Another favourite competitor is the cockney-rhyming rap singer, Wunch Delight.
Ben, in P
Israel declared a terror organisation
A speaking parrot called Ben accompanying George Galloway in the VIVA Palestinian convoy, gave a speech on his experiences in Parrotstine.
He said "It is terrifying - terror is all around - whoever is responsible for the devastation here is obviously a terror organisation. These terrorists must be brought to justice".
It is unusual to hear a parrot making political speeches - they usually talk about football.
In discussion with parrots in Parrotstine, Ben had discovered a cockatoo, who exclaimed "I've had a beak full of terrorists and something just has to be done." He thanked the Viva convoy for their aid, and was especially appreciative of the nuts and sunflower seeds.
The cockatoo, Alec Itt, said that there was such a carry on (carrion) by crows and rooks, who had been given weapons of bird destruction, a form of explosive guano, which set fire to parrots feathers. The source of explosive guano was traced to a house in Washington, that had been white before the guano tests.
However both Ben and Alec were certain that the camel dung used by Iran was far more effective than Israel's bird guano, so they hoped that Iranian parrots would aid Parrotstine against the carrion that surrounded them.
Iran has dangerous stockpile of camel dung
"Iran has enough camel dung to give you the hump" said the world's most senior expert in bull dung, who has also studied the difference between bull's and camels.
At the third Annual Symposium of Shi'ites (ASS), the spokesman said "Iran having a nuclear weapon is a dangerous thing, and we seriously believe that they have developed a method of refining and enriching camel dung to turn it into a weapon of mass distraction."
In response, Saudi Arabia's senior camel driver did confirm that the smell from the camels was often massively distracting. When asked if castrating camels with two stones was painful, he replied "Only of you get your fingers caught between the stones".
A report by the IEAA (Institute of Excrement and Anal Analogies) said "Camel dung is one of the most dangerous weapons of mass distraction".
"There are serious concerns that Iran has more than enough dromedary dung to outsmell America's huge volumes of bovine dung, and it is important that America retains control of the world's dung".
When asked how this dangerous situation had been allowed to arise, the main author of the report, Drom Adery said "We underestimated the Iranians. While we have been collection dung from the male sex only , the bull, they have been collecting dung from both sexes, and as we all know, the female sex is just as full of dung as the male sex".
The US defence secretary said "If anyone in Iran was to strike a match within a five mile radius of the stock pile, the resultant flame could have sufficient power to change the orbit of the planet. In fact it doesn't have to be a match - a Zippo would cause the same result".