February 2008

I am never going to be a size six. I am never going to be a size six. Okay, how about a size 16 minus 10?

As much as I wanted to wish away my roundness with a blink of an eye, it taught me only two things.  That television and magical genies named Jeannie are misleading and my curves were given to me like my name. At birth and with no opinion of my own.

Nowadays, I am inundated with images of these young girls who crave for their bodies to fit into a shirt made for a 1o-year-old, I wonder that when I have a little girl, how will I shield her from ever feeling that she is not good enough.  It saddens me from the inside when I see girls who dislike the reflection in the mirror or walk with their heads down when because they would rather look stick thin than embrace themselves.

For years, I was told that my baby fat would melt off.  My cheeks looked as if two golf balls had been stuffed on either side. My hair resembled a science experiment gone completely wrong and my glasses were two steps away from declaring me legally blind.  I would sit and dream that I would wake up with the baby fat gone. That it had melted off like ice-cream off of a cone on a Texas summer day.

My confidence dipped low.  I wanted to wear trends like all my skinny friends. Rock the cute shorts and nice shirts.  What looked good on me was not a trend.  Well, it may have been at some point in time. I would compare my legs to theirs, my arms to theirs, and even my face.  There was not one inch of me that felt normal.

It was not until college (yeah, talk about time travel) that I realized that I was not THAT bad.  I'll tell you when it happened. When my baby fat melted.   I was at a party and a girl (yes! a girl!) came up to me and told me she wished she had an ass like mine.  My.....ass?  The bane of my existence?  THAT monstrosity? She wished she could have an ass like mine? In disbelief, I questioned her and the next thing that came out of her mouth started my evolution. "Yeah! you're so hot!"

The next day I walked a little taller.  Because I was hot! and I had an ass! (which is apparently better than having a butt, FYI).

But I still saw those girls with their head down and I wondered if anyone ever told them how hot they were.  Or if they had something that someone wanted.  I hoped someone had. 

And that's when I learned that we all have people who will tell us that "you are such a beautiful person and I do not understand why you don't see that!".  But that's it! They just DON'T understand.  How could they? How do you explain to someone that you feel 10 times larger than you actually are? That you feel that every time you want a milkshake or an ice-cream you opt for the fruit instead because you do not want to be judged or get snickered at? Somewhere you know it is in your head, but somewhere else you make it real.

I know that feeling. I still have fat days.  But if you have curves, embrace them.  I hate seeing girls walking with their head down, because they have that figure that is sexy. Stop looking at the scale. Stop asking does this make me look fat.  Even Gisele Bundchen has clothes that make her look fat. Women should carry themselves like Jennifer Lopez, Sara Ramirez, Alicia Keys, Beyonce Knowles.  Those women are curvy, curvy and sexy, sexy.  And I am sure they had those days that they held their head down and wanted to subtract ten off of their size.  But someone must have told them that they were hot.  And that's when their baby fat melted must have melted too.