Episode Five - Part Two


created by British Naval Dude

written & directed by BND



:::back from commercial break and oh, I’m now saving money on my Run-About insurance:::

---Continuing Scene, Doomsday Machine approaches ship, down bearing maw it’s:

DOOMSDAY MACHINE: I can has starship? Nom Nom Nom


:::lights dim:::

HONEY BLIGH: What the hell? Didn't we pay our power bill? Get those damned lights back up! That thing is shaking us apart and we need to be able to see.

:::ship rocks back and forth, a door to an escape pod jostels open, 7 of 9 and Harry Kim are inside:::



ROBERT BELTRAN: Seven, why are you out of your uniform?

7 OF 9: Uh... that entity outisde sucked it off... a tachyon burst... yes, that's it.

HARRY KIM: Hi, Commander! (waves excitedly, has bra on head) Wheeee! Woo-hoooo! I'm a man now! Where's my pants?

7 OF 9: Just shut the door. Now!

COLONEL KIRA: There’s an unauthorized shuttle launch in progress.

HONEY BLIGH: Who’s this taking my shuttle? Don’t we have any security? Just leave the keys in them, I suppose.

COLONEL KIRA: Whoever it is, they’re keeping the left turn indicator on yet continuing straight. Well, weaving around quite a bit. A can just flew out its port window. Captain- I think they’re drunk.

HONEY BLIGH: Open channel! Shuttlecraft!

BND: (from shuttle, vomiting a bit) Cap’n! Be me! I’m gunna go all pooty-pooty on tha’ blue corn crisp. It’s tha’ only way to plug up that daft goonie boy thingee!

HONEY BLIGH: Ensign- you won’t succeed. Even if you fire all weapons at close range, I calculate a 2% chance of any harm to that thing and a 100% chance of you getting all blowed up. Get back to my ship now.

BND: Awwww… ya do care aboot me!

HONEY BLIGH: My commemorative Quark china-plates are on that shuttle. I was going to make a fortune shipping them out- everyone knows you can’t have a family holiday dinner without some ass-head ruining it.

SISKO: (to BND) Ensign, listen carefully to me. We’re weaker with you than without you. I’ll have Lt. Nog put a tractor beam on your shuttle.

NOG: To try to pull him back?

SISKO: No, Nog. See if you can push him into that thing faster. And, for the prophet’s sake, don’t let that pervert Gore Vidal make a comment about that.

BND: (in shuttle, drinking) Thank Crom that Rom, lobey lad’s dopey dad, left his ear beer here whilst fixin’ dis daft craft. Too bad I’m aboot ta’ dis-repair it. Aaaawk! Damn’d CBS didg-ya-tell made dis here beastie more bloatey bent on Viarrrrgra! Yon pixilated pummelarrr! I’m arming tha’ X-Lax targeting computer…

NOG: Ensign…

BND: What’s that in me head? It’s a voice! Lobey lad’s voice!

NOG: Ensign, trust your feelings. Use the core.

BND: Am I having a spiritual experience hearin’ tha’ voice o’ me master lobey lad and his cabootie?

NOG: No, you idiot. Your com badge is open. See if you can breach the shuttle’s warp core. An explosion could cause considerable damage inside that thing.

BND: Shuttles have a’warp cores? Who knew? Arrrr…

--- Next time on "British Naval Dude":

HONEY BLIGH: Can we pull BND back with the transporter?

SISKO: I suppose we could…

::: Robert Beltran phazors transporter controls:::

SISKO: You really are after my job, aren’t you, you latino loather?

ROBERT BELTRAN: Look, I’m only here to steal from the catering table. And did you just imply that I hate Hispanics?

SISKO: No… it’s a pun on "latino lover"… you see…

NOG: For Negus’ sake! Can’t anyone here concentrate? No wonder we are all constipated.

COLONEL KIRA: The shuttle has an imminent core breach and BND’s about to enter the whatever that is!

HONEY BLIGH: Prepare to warp out while it’s chewing on him. And log-on to E-bay. I can pay for my ski holiday to Aspen with BND’s collection of "Gul’s Gone Wild" videos.

DUKAT’s GHOST: Hey, baby doll, all those swankie chicks told me they were 18. I swear upon butchered Bajoran bowels everywhere… ouch and double bite down in the afterlife! You chicks are even groovier when you’re dead.

COLONEL KIRA: Preparing to warp us out. Shuttle core breach in ten seconds…And there he goes into that thing!

DOOMSDAY MACHINE: ahhh… I can has fish and chips… nom nom nom nom nom

BND: Oh, nooooo! Is this tha’ end o’ British Naval Dude and Wesley’s wunderbar wang? Arrrrr…I had many a’plans for tha’ boy… Uh… Hey… mates? ...no one really dies in Star Trek, right?

KIRK: You’re screwed.

TRIP: Yup, royally screwed.

YAR: Hope your life insurance is paid up.

425 REDSHIRT GHOSTS: Kiiiiiiirrrrrrk…. Kiiiiirk… We’ll get you… revenge!

GORE VIDAL: Death comes without prejudice to the proudest; to the palest. But it’s surely not as horrid as known mortal concerns. How we face death, how we face life- we must persevere, no matter what ghastly and garrish horrors arise… like the fist-shaped Darth Vader Anal Invader. And it has a…

BND: Arrrrrrrrr! Help me lobey lad! Yer me only hope! And fire Vidal so-soon as ya can! Arrrrrrr…