Whos got barber
 

Bud Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know lilangel, DPI's director, gave me a job as officer for as long as you’re in the agency.

Lou Costello: Look, if you’re an officer, you must know all the detectives in the agency.

Bud Abbott: I certainly do.

Lou Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who to talk to when I need help on a case.

Bud Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these detectives now-a-days very peculiar names.

Lou Costello: You mean funny names?

 
 
Bud Abbott: Strange names, pet names...crunchpatty...

Lou Costello: His friend Secret Squirrel.

Bud Abbott: Yes, Secret Squirrel...

Lou Costello: And the head honcho.

Bud Abbott: head honcho?

Lou Costello: Sleuth Admin.

Bud Abbott: Sleuth Admin, yes. Well, let's see, we have for the contacts, Who's got barber, What's got banker, I Don't Know has tailor...

Lou Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Bud Abbott: I say Who's got barber, What's got banker, I Don't Know has tailor...


Lou Costello: Are you an officer

Bud Abbott: Yes.

Lou Costello: You gonna be a detective too?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

Lou Costello: And you don't know the detectives' names?

Bud Abbott: Well I should.

Lou Costello: Well then who's got barber?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

Lou Costello: I mean the detectives name.

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: The barber contact.

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: The detective who has barber

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: The guy taht has...

Bud Abbott: Who has barber!

Lou Costello: I'm asking YOU who's got barber.

Bud Abbott: That's the detectives name.

Lou Costello: That's who's name?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

Lou Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Bud Abbott: That's it.

Lou Costello: That's who?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Look, you gotta barber contact?

Bud Abbott: Certainly.

Lou Costello: Who's got barber?

Bud Abbott: That's right.

Lou Costello: When the barber contact solves a case, who gets the reward money?

Bud Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Lou Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the detectives name that has a barber contact

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: The detective that gets...

Bud Abbott: That's it.

Lou Costello: Who gets the reward money...

Bud Abbott: He does, every dollar. After all, he's earned it

Lou Costello: Who?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Bud Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Lou Costello: Look, all I wanna know is the barber contact posts on the boards, how does his name look?

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: The detective.

Bud Abbott: Who.

Lou Costello: How does it look...

Bud Abbott: That's how it looks.

Lou Costello: Who?

Bud Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Lou Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the gdetectives name that has the barber contact.

Bud Abbott: No. What has banker.

Lou Costello: I'm not asking you who's got banker.

Bud Abbott: Who's got barber.

Lou Costello: One contact at a time!

Bud Abbott: Well, don't change the detectives around.

Lou Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Bud Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Lou Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the detective that has barber?

Bud Abbott: That's right.

Lou Costello: Ok.

Bud Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Lou Costello: What's the detectives name that has barber?

Bud Abbott: No. What has banker.

Lou Costello: I'm not asking you who's got banker.

Bud Abbott: Who's got barber.

Lou Costello: I don't know.

Bud Abbott: He's got tailor, we're not talking about him.

Lou Costello: Now how did I get to the tailor contact?

Bud Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Lou Costello: If I mentioned the contact's  name, who did I say has tailor?

Bud Abbott: No. Who's got barber.

Lou Costello: Stay away from the barber, now whats the detectives name that has tailor contact?

Bud Abbott: What's got banker.

Lou Costello: I'm not asking whos got banker

Bud Abbott: Who's got barber

Lou costello: I don't know

Bud Abbott: He's got tailor.

Lou Costello: There I go, back to tailor again!

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Would you just stick with tailor and lets stay there.

Bud Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Lou Costello: What is the detectives name that has the tailor contact?

Bud Abbott: what is the detectives name that has the banker contact

Lou Costello: I'm not asking you who has banker

Bud Abbott: Who has barber

Lou Costello: I don't know

Abbott & Costello Together:Tailor

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Look, you got witness evidence contacts

Bud Abbott: Sure.

Lou Costello: The priest contacts name?

Bud Abbott: Why.

Lou Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Bud Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Lou Costello: Then tell me who's got priest.

Bud Abbott: Who's got barber.

Lou Costello: I'm not... stay away from physical evidence! I want to know what's the detectives name that has the priest contact?

Bud Abbott: No, What has banker.

Lou Costello: I'm not asking you who's got banker.

Bud Abbott: Who's got barber

Lou Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Tailor!

PAUSE

Lou Costello: The priest contacts name?

Bud Abbott: Why.

Lou Costello: Because!

Bud Abbott: Oh, he's got fortune teller

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Look, You gotta music teacher contact in this agency?

Bud Abbott: Sure.

Lou Costello: The the music teachers contact name?

Bud Abbott: Tomorrow.

Lou Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Bud Abbott: I'm telling you now.

Lou Costello: Then go ahead.

Bud Abbott: Tomorrow!

Lou Costello: What time?

Bud Abbott: What time what?

Lou Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's got the music teacher?

Bud Abbott: Now listen. Who is does not have the music teacher.

Lou Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's got barber! I want to know what's the music teacher contacts name?

Bud Abbott: What's got banker.

Lou Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Tailor!

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Gotta a waitress contact?

Bud Abbott: Certainly.

Lou Costello: The waitress contacts name?

Bud Abbott: Today.

Lou Costello: Today, and tomorrow's got music teacher.

Bud Abbott: Now you've got it.

Lou Costello: All we got is a couple of days in the agency.

PAUSE

Lou Costello: You know I have a waitress contact too

Bud Abbott: So they tell me.

Lou Costello: Now, I'm working a case.  I have all the suspects and all the alibis.  I need help from the barber contact though.  So I put the case in the files and I go talk to who?

Bud Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Lou Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Bud Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Lou Costello: Is go talk to the barber contact?

Bud Abbott: Yes!

Lou Costello: Now who's looking at it?

Bud Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Lou Costello: Look, if I file a case for the barber contact, somebody's gotta look at it. Now who's looking at it?

Bud Abbott: Naturally.

Lou Costello: Who?

Bud Abbott: Naturally.

Lou Costello: Naturally?

Bud Abbott: Naturally.

Lou Costello: So I file the case and go talk to Naturally.

Bud Abbott: No you don't, you go talk to Who.

Lou Costello: Naturally.

Bud Abbott: That's different.

Lou Costello: That's what I said.

Bud Abbott: You're not saying it...

Lou Costello: I go talk to Naturally.

Bud Abbott: No, You go talk to Who.

Lou Costello: Naturally.

Bud Abbott: That's it.

Lou Costello: That's what I said!

Bud Abbott: You ask me.

Lou Costello: I go talk to who?

Bud Abbott: Naturally.

Lou Costello: Now you ask me.

Bud Abbott: You go talk to Who?

Lou Costello: Naturally.

Bud Abbott: That's it.

Lou Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I go talk to who.  whoever looks at it and it needs banker help.  the banker contact files it and goes and talks to what.  What files it and talks to I don't know.  I don't know files it and goes and talks to tomorrow.  Case solved.  A new case gets opened and needs a lot of help from because.  Why?  I don't know!  He's got tailor, and I dont give a darn

Bud Abbott: What?

Lou Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Bud Abbott: Oh, that's our Shoemaker contact!